The Sun is Gone

Stability

Six Months Later

I stared at Craig's silhouette in the dim light of our bedroom.  He was sound asleep, as usual, and I was wide awake--again.  I wanted to forget Kurt.  I wanted so badly to wipe his whole existence out of my memory.  But I couldn't. I dreamt about him almost every night. That's why I was lying here, awake. I didn't want to have to see his face again. It hurt too much.

My life with Craig was stable, if nothing else.  He took me back so easily when I returned home as a complete wreck.  He apologized profusely about my mother, and wasn't angry at all about the ring.  We waited a little while and eventually got engaged again.  

We had graduated and gotten a beautiful apartment in San Francisco.  Craig had taken a job offer from a magazine right after graduation, and I'd accepted an entry-level editing job that I was enjoying.  We were doing well.  Life was moving along as it should have been.  And yet, something was always missing.  I loved Craig.  I did.  I had decided that. He would never be Kurt, but Kurt and I never managed to be good together and I had to let that part of my life go.

Why was it so hard?

Craig's alarm went of promptly at 4:30 am.  He was traveling again. He'd been doing that a lot for work lately.  He was headed for New York for a few days and had to fly out on a Sunday so he could be there first thing Monday morning.  

He grumbled and yawned as he turned to face me.  

"Morning, Lizzy," he muttered sleepily.

"Morning." I kissed him quickly on the lips.  "Let me get you some coffee for the road."

"Sounds perfect," he answered as he climbed from bed and began dressing in one of his work suits.  

His taxi arrived shortly thereafter, and I bid him farewell.  He was off to the airport and I had the whole apartment to myself for the day.  I couldn't wait to relax. 

I perched on the couch with my own cup of coffee, flipping through channels on the TV.  There wasn't anything good on.  I glanced through titles on our bookshelf, but nothing grabbed my attention.  I thought about my own writing project, but dreaded sitting down at my typewriter.  I spaced out, sitting in my living room, doing nothing but sipping my coffee and thinking too much.

I was startled by the doorbell ringing.  I wasn't expecting anyone.  

I tiptoed to the doorway and peeked through the peephole.  Oh no.  No, no, no.  How?  Why was he here?  How dare he?  Drawing in a deep breath, I pulled the door open.

"Kurt?"  He stared at me for a moment, silently. His blue eyes were intense and sad.  I could tell he was nervous.

"Liz."  The way he looked at me melted my heart.  But I still felt like slamming the door in his face.  "Please, Liz," he added after a moment.  "I, um... I've been really upset with myself over how we left things before... um, could we talk?  Just for a few minutes?" I stared at him in disbelief.

"What are you even doing here, Kurt? This is weird."

"I'm in the area for a couple of days. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I didn't at least try to come and talk to you."  I stared at him.  His hair was messy and he hadn't shaved in a while. His clothes were as tattered as ever, and he looked tired, like I felt.  I swung the door open wider.

"Come in."  

"Thanks," Kurt answered awkwardly, stepping into my living room.

"Have a seat." I gestured towards one of our armchairs.  He sat down and I took a seat opposite him on the couch.  

"I hope you're doing well, Liz.  I really do." Kurt's eyes softened as he looked over at me.  He was so beautiful. I nodded my head.

"I am," I managed, my voice wavering.  "I'm doing really well."

"And you're with him."  It wasn't a question.  I nodded slowly.  

"Okay then.  All I want to do is apologize.  When we were together last, I got so angry and so hurt by what happened... I wasn't thinking clearly, Liz.  And I'm so sorry that I let my emotions get the best of me."  He started to tear up, and tears started forming in my own eyes too.

"And I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you the truth sooner, Kurt.  You deserved to know. I never should have kept it from you." I started to cry.  Kurt was too.

"I wish... I wish I would have taken more time to think things through," Kurt said softly.  "Every single day, I think, what if I just would have given myself some time to think?  I wish I never would have left you, Liz.  I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but I just needed you to know.  I made a mistake.  And I know that you're with him now.  I'm happy for you as long as you are happy.  I just need you to know that I screwed up, and I'll never stop regretting it."

I fought to keep myself from sobbing, but I eventually lost it.  I pulled my knees up to my chest and let all the emotions I'd held inside for six months come pouring out.  

"I--I think I should go," Kurt said awkwardly through his own tears.  

"Please don't," I managed.  "Not yet."  

"Okay."  Kurt stood awkwardly in the center of the living room.

"Come here, please." I motioned to the spot next to me on the couch.  Kurt tentatively took a seat.  I scooted closer and rested against him.  "I can't believe you're here."

"I know it makes no difference anymore, but I just needed you to know the truth."

"Thank you, Kurt."  Leaning against him, I could smell the intoxicating scent of his aftershave and cigarettes.  I remembered the way his lips fit perfectly against mine, and how it felt to run my fingers through his golden hair.  I couldn't let this happen again, I told myself.  But I wanted to, so badly.  He placed his hand on my back and rubbed gentle circles.  Just his simple touch drove me crazy.  

"Kurt, I'll never be able to deny that I love you," I admitted softly.

"No, Liz. Don't do that. Please."  

"It's the honest to God's truth.  I can't help it."

"I'll always love you too," Kurt answered.  "But it means nothing anymore."

"Then why are you here?" my voice wavered.

"I--I don't know."  Kurt turned to look into my eyes.  "I just needed to know that you're okay."  His voice cracked and tears lingered in his eyes.

"Well, I'm not okay," I blurted out, a fresh stream of tears running down my cheeks.  Kurt reached out his hand to brush a tear from my cheek. I leaned towards him, staring into his infinitely blue eyes. "Kurt," I breathed, leaning even closer to him.  

He froze, but he didn't pull away.  I couldn't help myself.  I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his.  He hesitated at first, but eventually responded.  Kissing him was even better than I remembered.  I tangled my hands in his soft blonde hair.  He pulled me closer to him and put his hand on the side of my face.  

When we stopped, we stared into each others' eyes, catching our breath.  I suddenly needed him so badly.  I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself.  

"I've missed you so much, Kurt."

"I've missed you too."  We stared at one another, both of us communicating without words.  I didn't want him to leave.  I couldn't let him go again. 

"Kurt, stay," I said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.  

"I want you here with me. Craig's away. Please stay with me."  

"I really shouldn't," Kurt started.  

"I know," I replied, before cutting off his answer with a kiss.  He wrapped his arms around me as our hands wandered.  When I grabbed his hand to lead him to the bedroom, he made no objection.