The Sun is Gone

Shift

Late March, 1994

Liz's POV

I cradled Kurt against me, holding him as tightly as I could. He didn't return my embrace, he just rested against me, his blue eyes staring blankly off into space.
I brushed my fingers through his blonde hair, memorizing the way it felt between my fingers. Kurt was starting to feel more like a memory, like a shell of himself, and it terrified me.
"I don't understand why you are here," he said dismally. His voice was flat, almost monotone.
"Because I love you, Kurt," I answered, fighting back my tears.
"I don't see why," he answered. "All I do is cause pain. You'll be better off when I'm gone."
"Please don't talk that way," I begged.
"It's the truth," he answered bitterly.
"You're not going anywhere," I answered softly, holding him even tighter.
"One way or another, I will die," Kurt answered. "I can't help it."
"But you can!" I raised my voice a little now. "Kurt, you can get help. There is help for what you are going through."
"I don't want to be helped," Kurt answered, his voice calm and even.
"I need you, Kurt. I've always needed you. Please?"
"I'm sorry, Liz. There's just nothing left for me."
"You are killing me, too."
"Your pain will go away when I'm gone. You'll soon forget me."
"Kurt, God damn it!" I snapped, untangling myself from him so I could sit up and get a good look at his face. "You know all about the people I've lost in my life! Do you think a fucking day in my life has gone by where I don't think of Danny? Where I don't still wonder if I could have done something to save him? Or when I don't feel guilty about leaving my dad to die? Or when I don't wonder about my mother? When I don't picture her face from my stupid birthday party and wonder why she never tried to come back into my life again? I've lost everything, Kurt, but I don't fucking want to lose you!"  My voice cracked.
For a second I saw something stir in Kurt's eyes, but it was fleeting. He stayed silent. I turned from him and sighed, burying my face in my hands. He took the opportunity to bolt to the bathroom and slam shut the door. I knew without a doubt what he was doing. There was no way to get through to him.
I walked into the bathroom a few moments later to find him slumped over against the edge of his bathtub, nodding out, barely conscious. I sat down next to him, wondering how this had become so normal to me that I hardly even flinched at it anymore. I wrapped my arms around him.
"I refuse to abandon you, Kurt," I told him. "You're the love of my life, do you understand? I cannot live without you. I need you."
Kurt slumped his head over on my shoulder, the only sort of acknowledgement he gave to hearing me at all.
I guess I must have fallen asleep while sitting there with him, my exhaustion having gotten the better of me. I felt a soft kiss on my cheek.
"Liz," I felt Kurt's lips brush against my ear as he whispered softly to me. I finished waking and turned my head to look at him. I could see life in his blue eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. He leaned his face close to mine.
"I'm so sorry, Liz," he whispered hoarsely. "I don't want to hurt you."
"Then don't," I answered. "Get help. Stop killing yourself." He drew in a deep sigh.
"I'm thinking about it," he answered quietly. That was the most progress I had made with him so far.
"That's good, Kurt," I answered him. "I'm so glad to hear that." I wrapped my arms around him and he kissed me gently on the lips. I could feel genuine love in his kiss for the first time in a long while and it made tears spring to my eyes.
When he stopped, he looked me dead in the eyes and I swear I could see the bright blue pair of eyes that had greeted me on that bench in Aberdeen nearly seven long years ago. He was still there, somewhere.
"C'mon, let's get off the floor," I said.
We walked out of the bathroom and back into Kurt's bedroom. I felt him walk up behind me and slip his arms around my waist. I turned to face him.
"I love you so much, Liz," he choked. "Please don't think I don't love you. You're everything to me."
"I love you too, Kurt," I answered, caught completely off guard.
He pressed his lips against mine urgently and I returned his eagerness, placing my hands on either side of his face. It had been months since he had shown emotion as strongly as this. I didn't want to let him go.
We fell onto his bed, making quick work of removing one another's clothes. His lips seared my skin every place they touched. He kept his ocean blue eyes locked into mine the entire time he made love to me. I felt like I had a piece of my old Kurt back. I tried to convey back every ounce of love that he was showing to me, desperately needing him to understand.
When we finished he wrapped me tightly against his chest, something I realized he hadn't done in ages. That thought alone nearly brought me to tears.
I listened to his heart beating away raggedly in his chest. Neither of us spoke a word for a long time, we just stayed here, just that way, for what might have been hours.
"Kurt?" I asked finally.
"Yes, sweetheart?" He answered, in a voice that was closer to his old one than the blank, monotone one he'd had as of late.
"Were you serious when you said you might get help?" I asked timidly, worried for the answer I was going to get.
"Yes, Liz. I'm considering it."