The Sun is Gone

Steal the sun from the sky

I want to make sure everything is perfect for you
If you only knew, that's not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up all these dead end dreams
Just to be with you, but you don't know that's nothing like me
Hey yeah I wonder how you already figured out
All these things that I try to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside
I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

["Invincible" Crossfade]

Kurt's Journal 5/19/87

Society has its conventions about what love should be, like it does for everything. It's fucking bullshit. I myself have never been able to define a feeling such as love using only words. It's all-encompassing and life altering, heart racing and nervous shaking, stomach on the floor in pieces, spilling my guts out when I've held the poisoned bile inside for too long. It's freedom and capture, like her blood could be my blood and we're both bleeding but we can bleed together into one and heal. Like your ragged soul is finally alight with feelings that give you chills and turn your stomach and let you breathe when you thought you were going to suffocate. 

What I feel for Elizabeth scares me.  This sick twisting feeling in my gut that happens as soon as I think about her because the thought of losing her would be too much to bear. Do I love her?  Yes, certainly. Fuck, how could I not? She's drawn me right in to her web without trying.  And I'm content to be tangled here, floating in this serene place where the monsters in my head have stopped screaming. She brings me peace and I drink it in like its my fucking salvation. I let it flood my veins and it's the best drug and I've never been so high to reach this level of clarity.

The first time I saw her eyes I was captivated. I already knew I wanted this woman in my life, and I think she felt it too.  It scared me so much I thought I might puke getting her back to Krist's that night.  Her strength and courage awe me.  She's a firecracker in a tiny shell— she is my sunshine in this gloomy place. If I had been through everything that she has, I would have given up by now.  But she's a fighter.  The day she punched her crazy old boss in the face, I couldn't have been more proud.  I could tell we were two of a kind, and I was glad she wouldn't take any shit from anyone. I'm glad I never gave up. Because now I have her. 

I'm still in shock that this beautiful girl just appeared into my life one night and stayed.  Why did she stay, Kurt? Why does she want YOU? Scrawny little scraggly dude, practically homeless... and she hasn't even seen your music yet. But she says she loves you and she means it! You know she mean it by her eyes!!! THE most BEAUTIFUL eyes in the WORLD.

Now she sleeps in my bed, her tiny arms wrapped around me as I watch her dream. I'm scared of keeping a person so close.  I never have before.  But it's different with her.  It's like I can't push her away.  She can walk effortlessly right through any walls I've put up. I'm truly caught up in her orbit, spinning dizzy lovesick for her warm hands to touch my face and her soft lips against mine. 

She's so easy to be around.  It seems like we're always in sync, like we emit the same frequency or some shit, and no one else can feel it but us.   We laugh at the same jokes.  She's not afraid to chime in with Krist and Aaron when they start joking around. She's gotten in some good burns.  We can sit quietly together for hours doing our separate things and still enjoy each others' company. 

I don't know what is happening to me.  I'm allowing this beautiful spirit the entire way into my heart.  She hasn't noticed yet that it's godawful hideous ugly, a black tarry pit of guilt and shame. She hasn't seen my demons, the torment that so often consumes me inside.  But I feel so calm when I am with her.  It's almost like the demons retreat away, blinded by the light she floods into my world.  I want to be better when I'm with her.  I want to make her proud and take care of her. I VOW to do THIS. If NOTHING ELSE, THIS.

No more wandering off on your own, KURT, you have to stay here with her. I couldn't imagine leaving her. I think my heart would break in half and spill right out of my chest onto the ground still beating until I'd stomp it with my own feet for being so stupid as to let her go. I'd rather die. NO MORE carelessly using drugs and passing out. NO more running off for days on end to Olympia or where ever without telling anybody (unless of course she comes with you and then that would be the definition of perfection, the two of you on your own.)

We made love for the first time the other day. There are no words in the English language (or any other) that could do justice to this experience.  She surprised me because it was so soon, especially after losing her last boyfriend in such a devastating way.  But she assured me she was certain. The feeling I got when she asked me was so intense I thought I might pass out or die right there on the spot. Sure, I've had sex, but this was different.  It was like our bodies were on fire, like there was some sort of force of the universe being channeled through us.  I sound so dumb and cliche, but I don't know how else to describe it.  I guess this is what it feels like to be happy.

I think about having sex with her way too often now. I'm a pig, like those men at the strip club who would leer at her. I think if I ever saw anyone look at her like that I'd kill them. They have no right— looking at her like a piece of meat when she is my entire world.

I know I'm no better when I imagine the feeling of being with her again--making her feel how much I love her.  I want to fuck her hard and fast, pressed up against the wall.  I want to drive her crazy.  I want to hear her scream my name. I want to taste her and hear her soft moans as I make her feel better than she's ever felt. I wonder if she'd like that? I wonder if she wants me as much as I want her. Because I want her forever. Not just for sex, but for everything. For life. For whatever comes next.

This feeling overwhelms me to the point of puking but it's fucking great.

KURT IS IN LOVE. (can you fucking believe it because I still can't. someone wake me up.)