The Sun is Gone

Alone

I sat in shock for quite a while, not wanting to allow reality sink in.  I couldn't admit that Kurt was gone.  I couldn't admit that I had sent him away.  I was terrified that I had made the wrong decision.  What if I couldn't do this on my own?  I was afraid to let my mind go to that dark place right now. 

I retreated to my bedroom, knowing that it would be hours before I'd receive the phone call I was desperately awaiting.  Already, I missed the sound of Kurt's voice.  My heart ached for his embrace.  I missed the safe feeling I got around him.  I missed the warmth of his presence.  I felt sick.

The door to my bedroom was closed.  I didn't remember closing it.  Curiously, I twisted the handle and walked in.  I immediately noticed a pile of things sitting on my bed and I couldn't help but smile through the tears that were about to escape my eyes. 

There was a candid polaroid of Kurt and I that Shelli had taken months ago.  She had captured the two of us grinning at each other while talking, completely oblivious to the picture being taken.  Kurt had drawn a heart around the two of us in black sharpie and simply written the caption Kurt + Elizabeth = Forever.  I picked up the photo and held it close to my heart as I took a look at what else he had left me. 

There was a stack of clothing with a note on top.  Of course, the first garment was the offensive thrift store sweater that I still thought was hideous. 

My favorite sweater for my favorite girl.  I hope you learn to appreciate its glory in my absence.  I'll picture you wearing it when I miss you, which will be always. 

Love, Kurt

I teared up when I read the note on top of the sweater.  I immediately took off the shirt I was wearing and pulled the sweater over my head, wanting it as close to my skin as possible.  It still smelled just like Kurt and I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, feeling comforted.  I didn't care that it was ugly, or that it almost came to my knees.  It was suddenly my favorite article of clothing. 

The rest of the clothes were mostly flannels and some of his t-shirts.  I wondered if he had any clothes left to wear since he left most of his favorites with me.  But my heart swelled at the sentiment.

There was also a square box painted black and decorated with planets and stars, with a sun right on top.  I lifted the lid and found a note. 

Liz,

Read one of these every day that I am gone and know that I am always thinking of you.  I love you so much.  -Kurt

Inside the box were probably about thirty or forty neatly folded pieces of paper.  Tears leaked from my eyes now.  I didn't deserve him.  I never had.  I desperately wanted to read all of the notes right now, but I held myself back.  There was also two cassette tapes in the box and a tiny box too. 

I opened the tiny box and gasped.  Inside was a beautiful handmade necklace.  It was a clay sun, painted gold, with a tiny planet next to it, linked on a long silver chain.  It was obvious Kurt had made it, and I instantly fell in love with it.  As I pulled it out of the box, the sun flipped over and I noticed something on the other side. 

In tiny, messy handwriting Kurt had written, You'll Always Be My Sunshine -K.  I clasped the necklace around my neck.  The sun and planet fell right over my heart.  I felt myself smile.  As much as I wanted to read the notes and listen to the cassettes, I held back.  I leaned back on my pillow and thought only of Kurt.  We were going to be okay.  No matter what, we would make this work.  He was my everything. 

Hours later, I was glued to a stool by the phone, willing it to ring.  I checked the clock.  It was six-thirty.  I knew his plane should land soon if it was on time.  At six-forty-seven, the phone rang.  I answered on the first ring with a breathless hello.