The Sun is Gone

Breaking Open

Now all those feelings, those yesterday's feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

["Yesterday's Feelings" The Used]

Kurt stared at me with such compassion as I cried.  Not wanting to cause a scene in the restaurant, we'd left and walked to a secluded area under a bridge.  Kurt admitted that he liked to come here alone to think, and I got the feeling that he rarely shared this with anyone.  I would have found it serene had I not been feeling so broken beyond repair.  But now that we were here, I felt like it was okay to let all my feelings flow out of me.

So far, I had only told Kurt about my mother leaving. Revisiting the past that I had tried to suppress for so long made me feel like I'd stabbed a knife right through my chest.  Kurt and I were sitting side by side on the ground.  I had dissolved from coherent words to quiet sobs, curling my body up as tightly as I could.  Kurt reached out his hand as though he was going to put his arm around me to comfort me, but he hesitated a moment and pulled back.  Instead he pulled out his cigarettes and offered me one, which I gratefully accepted. 

I slowed my crying as I lit the cigarette.  I took a deep drag and regained a bit of composure.  I felt my shoulders relax and realized how tense I'd been. I glanced at Kurt.  There was a small smile on his lips as he watched me.  His presence was so comforting that a warm sensation washed over me despite the chilly air and damp ground.

"I'm so sorry about your mom.  She didn't deserve someone like you for a daughter."  I didn't know that I could agree with him, but I felt a faint blush appear on my cheeks at his compliment.

"Well... thanks," I replied awkwardly, not knowing what to say.  Kurt's eyes grew intense--back to that piercing blue that seemed to penetrate through every single wall I'd built up around myself for so many years.  How could this man be a total stranger to me?

"There's more that's hurting you."  He stated it as a fact rather than a question.  "We don't have to talk about it right now."  His voice was so smooth and gentle.  Once again I felt that endearing sense of comfort wrap around me like a warm blanket.  If there was anyone in my life right now to whom I could truly confess my feelings, it was Kurt.  Even though it was so painful knowing that I had no one else anymore, Kurt's presence felt like enough to me.  I was slowly starting to believe that meeting him had saved me.  Even though I'd known him for less than a full day, I knew in my heart that we were going to be good friends.

"I think I need to let everything out," I confessed.  "It's been a long time since I've had anyone to listen."

"I'm listening.  I'll listen for as long as you need."  My heart swelled with that little statement.

I described my dad's downward spiral into alcoholism.  I told Kurt how I lost my popular status at school because I didn't keep up with my appearance or social skills anymore.  I explained that I eventually found a new friend group at school, and that they helped me through a lot.

"Your friends from school sound a lot like my friends, actually," Kurt said.  "You know-- the ones that are probably all still passed out from partying too hard last night."  He flashed a beautiful full smile at me this time, and even though I was hurting so badly, I couldn't help but smile back.  "Those popular kids are dicks anyway.  Everyone's so goddamned fake.  They're just a bunch of pathetic clones of one another who have no individuality whatsoever."

"That's so true.  Those kids dropped me in an instant the second I didn't look the part anymore.  But I'm so glad they did, because I never had truly great friends until I got to know Lisa and Danny.  They were like my family."