The Sun is Gone

Nerves

Don't cry
Steady your eyes and fall
The sun in both hands
Sink in his blood
Know love is evergreen
This night is long
And my fire's burning out
Help me be strong
Help me
[Night- Mosa Wild]

"We landed a gig!" Kurt shouted to me as he burst through our apartment door. 

"Oh my gosh! Yes!" I shrieked, running to hug him.  I planted a kiss on his cheek.  "That's amazing.  You guys deserve it so much!"

"It's just a small club in Olympia, but it's a start," Kurt said. 

"It's awesome.  You guys will rock.  When is it?"

"Friday night.  Seven-thirty to nine-thirty." 

"I wouldn't miss it for the world.  I'm so proud of you."  Kurt beamed and it was amazing to see him so happy.  I gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

"Thanks, sweetheart.  We're going to be spending a lot of extra time rehearsing this week, of course.  You're welcome to come," he added. 

"Sounds great," I replied excitedly. 

Things were going so well for us.  I never could have imagined that my life would turn around so quickly, considering where I had been just a few short months ago.  I truly believed that Kurt was my soulmate.  We could chase away each others' darkness and give one another strength.  I had never had such a complete connection to another human being on so many levels.  I felt like I was whole again. 

There was one thing that was weighing on my mind, though.  My best friend, Lisa.  I hadn't contacted her since I left home.  And I hadn't given her any way to contact me.  She didn't even know where I was.  I missed her like crazy and I was sure she missed me too.  But for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to call.  I was afraid of facing all the memories I'd left behind.  Maybe I just needed some more time. 

Kurt's stomach had been a wreck with nerves about the upcoming show.  I wished so badly that he could see himself the way I did--incredibly handsome and amazingly talented.  But he struggled with his self-esteem so much. 

It broke my heart hearing him continually throwing up in the bathroom with the door shut.  Any time I asked him if I could do anything to help he just told me to leave him alone.  It stung, but I knew he just didn't want me to worry about him. 

On Tuesday night, he was in the bathroom for over an hour.  I had checked on him twice and he insisted he was fine.  But he still hadn't come out. 

"Kurt," I said softly, knocking on the door.  He didn't answer.   "Kurt?"  I pushed open the door.  My heart shattered to pieces.  Kurt was curled up on the floor clutching his stomach, quietly whimpering. 

"Oh, sweetheart."  I knelt beside him. 

"I'll be okay," he said quietly, his body shaking and forehead covered with sweat.  "It just hurts a lot."

I took his hand and squeezed it, wishing with all my heart that he'd feel better. 

"Do you need some medicine?"

"I don't think I can keep anything down," he said, sounding miserable. 

"I love you so much," I said, not knowing what else to offer. 

"I'm sorry," Kurt said quietly. 

"There's nothing to be sorry about," I said, brushing my hand through his messy hair.  

"I hate making you worry like this.  I hate that I'm stuck here instead of spending time with you."

"You can't help it.  It's not your fault.  When we get some more money we have to get you to see a doctor."

"I'll get through it," Kurt said, wincing in pain again. 

"Do you think some weed might help?" I asked.  "We have some left from the other day."  Kurt thought a moment as he curled his body more tightly into a ball. 

"I could give it a try, I guess." 

"I'll be right back."  I jumped up and got our bowl, the weed and a lighter.   I returned to the bathroom and packed the bowl. 

"Here you go, honey, can you sit up?" I asked.  Kurt struggled to get himself into a sitting position.  He reached for the bowl and lighter and took a long hit.  He passed it to me and I took a hit as well.  We finished the bowl and I saw the tension in Kurt's body start to relax.  I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly.  He squeezed mine back in return.   

"How are you feeling now?" I asked after a few moments. 

"Better," he said, sounding relieved.  "Thank you, Liz.  I love you so much."

"I love you more," I teased. 

"That's absolutely impossible," Kurt answered, smiling for the first time in a while.  It meant everything in the world to me, seeing his smile.  My heart swelled in my chest as I smiled back at him. 

"You want to see if we can get you to the bedroom so you can be comfortable?"  I knew he needed rest.

"Yeah, I think I can get up now." 

I stood and watched Kurt slowly pull himself upright, using the edge of the tub.  He made it to his feet without much trouble.  I put my arm around him and guided him to the bedroom.  I pulled back the covers and he slid into bed.  I rested next to him and rubbed circles on his back.  He soon fell asleep and I was relieved that he was able to rest.  Still, I cried myself to sleep that night because his pain was my pain, too.  And it hurt like hell today. 

When I woke up, Kurt wasn't in bed anymore.  Concerned, I got up to check the bathroom.  I didn't make it that far when I noticed a lamp on in the living room.  I walked out to find Kurt sitting on the couch with his knees up, cigarette in his hand and a notebook resting in his lap.  He was writing furiously, like he his thoughts would poison him if he didn't get them out of his head and onto paper.  As a writer, I completely understood, which is why I waited patiently in the doorway rather than interrupting him. 

After a moment he looked up at me, taking a long drag on his cigarette as his eyes met mine.  I could see something there. Pain.  He was feeling troubled. 

"Hey, sweetheart," I said gently to him.  He stared silently again, but this time he shifted his eyes away from mine.  He took another long drag before smashing his cigarette in the ashtray and sighing loudly. 

I knew better than to keep trying to talk to him when he got this way.  It only made him worse.  Instead I walked over to the couch and sat down next to him.  He sat his notebook aside and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his lap.  I kissed him on the cheek and leaned my head against his shoulder.  We were silent for a few long moments. 

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Kurt finally spoke quietly. 

"What do you mean, babe?" I asked gently, my gaze meeting his eyes.  He quickly looked away. 

"I don't know why I get so fucking nervous.  This show.  It's not even a big deal.  Except it is... to me.  I need everything to be perfect and I'm scared it won't be.  I'm afraid I'll screw it up." 

"Oh Kurt."  I put my hand on his cheek. 

"Don't pity me," he said firmly but gently.  I pulled my hand away, feeling a bit hurt. 

"You know, Kurt, I don't pity you," I said finally.  "I'll never pity you for thinking that you're not going to perform well enough, because I know you will.  I believe in you.  I know you'll be amazing."  There was a moment of silence. 

"Thanks," Kurt muttered finally.  "How do you do it, Elizabeth?"  He asked suddenly, his tone brighter. 

"Do what?" I asked. 

"My anxiety always feels better when I have you around.  You calm me."  Now he met my eyes with a small smirk on his face.  I smiled in return. 

"I just love you," I said simply. 

"And that's enough," Kurt said finally, as though he was realizing it for the first time.  "I love you too."