The Sun is Gone

Promises

Kurt's POV

By some small miracle, Liz was here, sleeping in my arms, even though I didn't deserve it—even though she had seen the absolute worst of me last night.
Damn it, Cobain! I chastised myself. You're the biggest piece of shit on the planet for doing this to her. I felt guilty. So horribly fucking guilty.
And yet, she had come back. She had stayed. So maybe all hope was not lost. I knew I was making bad decisions. I fucking knew it. But everything about my life now was so fucking stressful. And my stomach hurt so fucking much that I could barely function. The heroin helped. It took the pain away. I'd never been able to find anything else that did.
I knew I was playing a dangerous game. But I wasn't addicted. I could stop if I wanted. I just needed a way to function when I had a bunch of things to do. Maybe when I explained that to Liz, she would understand.
She was finally asleep now. She had been restless all night as I held her against me. I felt guilty. I knew I had made some mistakes, but she still loved me despite them, just like I would always love her. I needed to apologize—really apologize. And I needed to stop doing this dumb shit.
I knew heroin was stupid. Fuck, I didn't want to be some kind of junkie. If the media ever found out they'd have a field day with that shit. It was humiliating. But so was crippling stomach pain that kept me from being able to function. Maybe there was no helping me.
I pulled Elizabeth closer to me, burying my face in her hair. She made me feel better. She always did. I felt calm in her presence. I felt like I was enough, just as I was. Why had I been idiotic enough to almost ruin that? Especially when things between us were already strained with all this sneaking around? I had to believe that one day it would all be okay, somehow. I had to believe that.
Elizabeth stirred and shifted around to face me as she woke up. My heart raced. I feared her being angry. I feared her leaving. Whatever she did, I deserved it.
"Kurt," she sighed sleepily. She placed her hands on either side of my face, staring into my eyes, her own hazel eyes filled with a mixture of sadness and pain.
Unexpectedly, she leaned forward and kissed me. And kept kissing me. She ran her hands through my hair and down over my bare chest.
"I need you, Kurt," she whispered softly. It certainly wasn't how I expected to spend my morning, but I definitely wasn't complaining.

Afterwards, Liz snuggled against me again. I knew we were going to have to talk, and now that we had just done that, I had no idea what to expect anymore. I kind of hoped she'd speak first. Then, I noticed her softly sobbing, trying to hide it from me.
"Sweetheart," I said gently, rubbing my hand over her back. "What is it?"
"I can't lose you, Kurt. I can't." She sobbed harder now. "If you don't want to be with me, that's fine. I understand. But I can't let you die." Her breaths became shallow and fast.
"Liz. Liz?" I gently tried to calm her. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I only want to be with you, trust me."
"Kurt. I've lost everyone, you know that. Everyone. Danny to suicide, my dad to alcoholism, my mom to running away. When you didn't show up yesterday, I feared the worst. And I couldn't reach you. Then you showed up all drunk, hours late. And then I catch you shooting up in the bathroom. I'm so afraid for you, Kurt," she sobbed.
"Sweetheart, listen." I looked into her eyes and drew in a deep breath. "I owe you a huge apology for yesterday. I don't know how or if I can ever make it better, but I fucked up. A lot. I should have let you know where I was. Honestly, I should have just ditched that responsibility and come to you instead. Either way, what I did was wrong. My friends all started drinking before the show yesterday and I got caught up in it and distracted. I fucked up and lost track of time. And I drank too much. By the time I got here, I was panicking, drunk and sick. I was so angry with myself, too. I knew the heroin would temporarily take all those feelings away. And that's why I did it. It's no justification, but it's just the honest to God's truth."
"Kurt, I forgive you." Liz stared at me like she was looking straight at my soul. "I forgive you for all of it. I just want you to be okay. Seeing you shooting up put all the other dumb things in perspective for me. But I cannot let you die from drugs."
"I can stop with the heroin," I told her. "I'm not addicted to it. It helps my stomach sometimes, but I know how stupid it is. And I'm so sorry I scared you so much. I thought for sure you were gone for good."
"I understand, Kurt. I understand wanting to kill pain. All kinds of pain. God, remember when I used to take my dad's old morphine prescription? But heroin terrifies me. I'm so scared of you overdosing."
"I won't, Liz. I won't. I'm going to stop. For you. You forgave me for all this stupid shit and you're still giving me a chance. I have to do better for you. And I will."
"All I want is for you to be okay. Kurt. I know your life can't be easy, but those types of drugs aren't going to help." She rested her head against my heart. I could feel it beating in my chest.
Everyone was counting on me to be here, to show up, to perform show after show until I screamed so much I had no voice left, and then sign autographs, take pictures, give interviews. It was exhausting—sickening even—to think that people were somehow obsessed with me. I couldn't bear the thought of any of those kids thinking that drugs were cool because they found out I did them. I had to stop using while I still had a chance.
I couldn't disappoint the world. But mostly, I couldn't disappoint Elizabeth.