The Sun is Gone

Epiphany

Kurt's POV

As I held Liz, I felt the flood of emotions I shouldn't feel anymore. I felt the intensity of the love I held in my heart for her. It was so much stronger than any other love I ever felt. It should have been her baby I was having—not Courtney's.
I loved Courtney. I truly, honestly did. But Liz was the one I always wanted to spend my life with. Now that future was gone. And I had to accept it because it was all my fault.
I didn't want to let Liz go. She held onto me so tightly. I knew she still cared about me. I could feel it. I felt terrible about everything. I wanted my little baby to have a family, with mom and dad together. But, God, I wished that mother could have been Liz. I'd been so irresponsible. Now I would pay for the consequences.
Liz started to pull away from me, and I looked her dead in the eyes. She looked started from the intensity of my gaze.
"Liz. I need you." I noticed the desperation in my voice. Pathetic. I would do anything for this woman.
"Kurt, I don't think we should." Liz leaned back and I immediately loosened my grip on her. She was right. I was terrible.
"Well, anyway." I gathered my thoughts. "I brought you were to apologize to you. So. I'm horribly, terribly sorry for what happened. I wish I could fix it. I love my baby, but I would give anything for things to be different." I noticed Liz starting to cry and it broke me. She sat down on the edge of the bed, looking too weak to stay standing. "I wish it was your baby, Liz. God, I want a life together for us. And now it will never be. And I'm so, so deeply sorry to you for that."
"It's not all your fault, Kurt," Liz answered between sobs. "I should have been with you openly sooner. I'm partially to blame."
"No, no. This isn't about you," I replied, taking a seat next to her on the bed. "This is my fault."
I rested my hand on her back, rubbing small circles. I couldn't help it. It was instinctual for me to be close to her. She leaned in against me, and we both sat in silence, forcing back tears from falling.
"I—I think I should go, Kurt," Liz said finally. "I'm getting a headache. I need to get home."
"Please don't go, Liz," I blurted out. I would have done anything to keep her here. "Have a smoke with me," I suggested. "Take a nap. Anything. Please, I just don't want to be alone." I could hear the desperation in my own voice. Sad. Pathetic.
"Okay," Liz answered very quietly. She took a cigarette from me. "I haven't smoked in months," she commented, lighting it.
"Great. Now I'm a bad influence." Liz actually chuckled at that.
"Nah. I mostly only quit because it annoys Craig," she answered before taking a long drag. I grabbed an ashtray and put it between us.
"Maybe we can be friends or something," I commented awkwardly, after a pause.
"Kurt, I don't think I can ever be just your friend," Liz answered sadly.
"I guess today is it then?" I asked, my heart shattering in a million pieces again.
"I think it has to be." Liz nodded. I stamped out my cigarette in the ashtray.
"Liz, I can't. I can't stay away from you. I don't know how I ever will."
"We have to now," she answered, tears starting to fall.
"Well, we're already here today," I suggested. "So the damage is done, right?" Liz looked at me wide-eyed. I was more than pathetic and I knew it. All I wanted was her, no matter the consequences.
"Kurt,"she said softly, moving the ashtray aside and scooting closer to me. She placed a hand on my cheek and stared into my eyes. Her skin against mine was everything.
She studied me intently for a long moment, neither of us saying anything.
"I love you," she whispered very softly.
"I love you too," I answered. I leaned towards her and she didn't object. I pressed my lips softly to hers and she responded instantly, just like always. I didn't want to stop kissing her, but something in the back of my mind told me how wrong it was. I think she felt it too.
We pulled apart, staring at one another, our eyes communicating more than words could. I pulled her close and very gently placed a kiss on her forehead.
"Kurt, we can't..." she started.
"I know," I answered. I couldn't do that to Courtney again. I was already ashamed that I had done it once.
"Will you just lie here with me for a little while, Kurt?" Liz asked. I didn't want her to leave yet. I knew we wouldn't do anything when both of us were feeling like it was so wrong. I nodded, and we stretched out facing one another on the king-sized bed, too much space between us.
"Come here, Liz," I said after a moment, feeling ridiculous that we were so distant. She cautiously scooted closer. I turned onto my back and pulled her against my chest, over my heart. She was hesitant, but relaxed after a moment.
"I will miss you so much, Liz."
"Kurt, don't. Please. Can we just skip that conversation?"
"Okay," I answered softly, realizing that she'd started to cry. "It's okay."
"I just don't want to say goodbye to you," she said, tears streaming from her eyes and soaking my shirt. "I know this is goodbye but I don't want to have to say it."
"I understand," I answered. "No goodbyes then. Just lie here with me like we can do this forever." She nodded, snuggling closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her.
What we were doing was probably still wrong, but I hadn't slept with her. In that regard, I didn't treat on Courtney again. I didn't betray the woman who was carrying my child. As I held Liz, I couldn't help but worry about the well-being of my baby, and I knew once and for all where my mind needed to focus its energy—on being a good dad.