The Sun is Gone

Risks

Kurt's POV

I couldn't believe what Liz and I had agreed to. I wanted to be with her all the time. But it wasn't possible when I was always busy and constantly on the road. The thought of what we were doing nagged at my stomach, making it churn and feel worse than usual, but I didn't care. I would take every moment I could spend with her, regardless of the consequences for me. I only cared about her. I wished she'd let me give up music. I would do it for her in an instant but I knew she never agree to it. And it wouldn't be easy to just walk away now. But more and more often I wished I could.
It had been a week since I had last seen her and that was already too long. We talked in the phone a few times but it wasn't the same. I felt so lost without her sometimes that I didn't know what to do with my restless, moody self.
Dave had taken to nagging me about it a little. Usually we tried to stay away from talking about each other's personal lives but I knew he was sick of seeing me so down all the time. His intentions were good, I knew that.
One night we were hanging out on the balcony of the hotel where we were staying. Krist had decided to call it an early night. Dave and I were still a little stoned and bullshitting.
"Kurt, I want to see you happy, don't get me wrong," Dave told me. We had been talking about how we were feeling now that the band had taken off. It was rare having serious conversations with him. It almost made me laugh because he could be so over-protective and parent-like at times. "But Liz, man. I know you love her. You've been caught up on her forever. But things are different now. If she truly doesn't want to be in the spotlight then you are playing a really dangerous game by seeing her. Someone will recognize you."
"That's one of my worst fears," I admitted, kicking my foot against the balcony railing nervously from the chair where I was sitting. "I try to be really careful though."
"You know they always find you now," Dave answered.
"Yeah, I'm well aware." My response was a bit harsher in tone than I had intended.
"I'm just saying, be careful." Dave pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "And if you keep doing it, just know that you'll eventually get caught and it's going to cause her problems." He rested his forearms on the balcony ledge and exhaled smoke.
"How do you know that?" I demanded, lighting my own cigarette and taking a long drag. Dave shrugged.
"It's just inevitable that someone will figure it out. Most people on this earth recognize you now."
"Yeah, okay, rub it in." That fact was still too surreal to even sink in. But it didn't sit well with me.
"Isn't that what you wanted?" Dave asked, turning towards me, genuinely curious.
"I want to make music that people like, sure. But I never predicted all this, Dave. Swarms of teenage kids going nuts over me. It's kind of terrifying. I'm no role model. Not a good one." My foot kept repeatedly kicking the railing. There was a moment of silence.
"I think you're doing pretty well with it, Kurt," Dave said finally.
"Thanks, man." I flicked my cigarette butt off of the balcony and immediately lit another.
"I mean, maybe not that smoking habit," Dave added, with one of his signature grins.
"You've got no room to talk!"
"I'm just the drummer, man. Nobody gives a fuck what I do." Dave sighed and stared down from the balcony to the street below.
"Must be nice," I muttered.
"Dude, did you think people wouldn't pay attention to you?" Dave asked, turning his glance back to me.
"I didn't know my every move would be scrutinized." I fidgeted with my fingers and didn't meet Dave's eyes.
"Well, you kind of asked for it, Kurt." He struck a nerve with that comment.
"You try having no fucking privacy and see how you like it!" I snapped, immediately feeling a bit of guilt.
"Again, that's why I'm the drummer." This time Dave's tone was sarcastic.
"Fuck you, man!" I exclaimed, half joking. He shook his head and walked back into the hotel, leaving me to finish my cigarette alone.

"I'm free on Monday. Most of Tuesday, too," I told Liz on the phone, hoping desperately that I could see her.
"I'd love to, Kurt. But I know Craig will be home Monday night."
"Can you tell him you're going out with Shelli? Say you're drinking and spend the night?"
"I hate lying, Kurt."
"Well, we're kind of already living a lie, so..."
"God, I hate myself." I could hear the pain in Liz's voice. I should have left her alone. I should have just walked away. But I was a selfish son-of-a-bitch. "But I'll do it," Liz added. I knew she needed me just as desperately as I needed her. She was my peace in this chaotic life I now led.
"You could always leave him, Liz," I said softly, wishing she would get the courage to do it, even though she hadn't after all this time.
"I can't, Kurt. Not without a job. I don't want to blow through all of what's left of my inheritance. And I haven't been able to find work yet."
"I can give you money, Liz. I can get you a place if you want. Anything you want." It was true. I had an incomprehensible amount of money now. But it didn't mean anything to me without her.
"I could never let you do that, Kurt. I don't want your money. I couldn't take it."
"Liz, you loved me when I had nothing. I feel like I owe you something, at least."
"Kurt, I will always love you, no matter what you have or don't have. And I only want you, not your money or anything else."
"How did I ever get so lucky to find you?" I asked, my heart feeling the intense, familiar ache of missing her.
"Kurt," she said quietly and I could tell she was blushing.
"Listen, just see me on Monday, okay?"
"Yes, okay," she agreed. I gave her the information on where to meet and we hung up. I hardly knew how I'd wait out the days until I got to see her again. Thank goodness for all the shit that kept me busy, because I was feeling a certain kind of restlessness all the time now. Nothing fixed it—weed, alcohol, nothing could chase this feeling away from me. Except Liz.
She was the peace that I desperately needed. I didn't know how to find it any other way. I hated myself for putting her in danger, but I was a selfish motherfucker who couldn't live without her. And so, I'd eagerly count the days until Monday.