The Sun is Gone

Idealism

Liz's POV

After we left Dave's house, neither Kurt nor I wanted to be apart. We made out in my car like ridiculous teenagers, and started driving far outside of the city, the windows rolled down and the cool night breeze making us feel alive. We sang along to the radio.
Everything felt so normal. It felt like years ago, before Kurt's fame and back when we were just kids. It made me smile. Neither of us cared about our responsibilities; only about each other.
Our little hotel room along a stretch of highway was a perfect oasis for us to abandon all of our problems. We shared a heavenly night there together. We stayed awake late, never wanting it to end.
When I awoke the next morning, I was still in Kurt's arms, listening to the steady beat of his heart. He was alive and with me. He was starting to seem like himself again. I was proud of him, for staying away from heroin. I knew it couldn't have been easy for him, but he was doing it.
I watched him now—one of those rare instances where he was still asleep and I wasn't. His face was relaxed and he looked younger and at peace. The worries that plagued him when he was awake were far away. I could hardly believe that someone so handsome and wonderful existed, let alone that he wanted me.
I admired him for a long time until his eyes eventually fluttered open.
"Liz," he breathed, still half-asleep, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I tucked my head under his chin and held tightly onto him.
"I love you, Kurt."
"I love you, too, Liz. I'm so sorry I..."
"Shh," I cut him off. "It's okay. It's all okay. I just want to move forward, Kurt." The last thing I wanted was for him to get caught up in his guilt. We were good in this moment.
"You're right," he agreed. "Honestly, I wish we could stay right here just like this forever."
"Ha. Me too, Kurt," I agreed. "Me too."
"I don't understand it, Liz. I have everything I could ever want. Like, I have more money than I can even imagine what to do with. I'm so much luckier than most people ever get to be. But it doesn't make me happy. Things were mostly easier when I was poor and unknown."
"I'm sorry, Kurt."
"No, don't feel sorry for me. Like I said, I have everything. I'm just whiney."
"I understand that it's difficult, Kurt. Especially the fame part. And I know the physical toll that performing takes on you. You give all of yourself to what you do, and I love that about you." I pictured Kurt on stage, screaming his heart out with his powerful, gravelly voice.
"Yeah, it's exhausting," he answered.
"You can't pressure yourself to feel perfect all the time. You're still only human."
"You're right, Liz. Thank you for always seeing me for me."
"When I look at you, sometimes I still see that sweet young guy that found me sitting on a bench in the rain, years ago. And I know in your heart that's who you still are."
"You don't think I've changed?" Kurt asked. "I'm so afraid that this is changing me and I don't want it to."
"I think you are very much the same, Kurt," I answered honestly. "I think you were starting to change with the drugs a little. But you stopped that and I am so proud of you."
"I'm so glad I stopped, Liz. I have to be honest. It was harder than I ever thought. And if it hadn't have been for you, I don't know that I would have stopped. But I couldn't stand breaking your heart like that. And I'm starting to feel so much better now."
"I'm so thankful, Kurt, that you decided to stop. So glad. I can't imagine losing you to heroin. I don't even want to think about it."
"Then don't. I swear, I am done."
"I want to make this work for us, Kurt. I honestly do."
"I want that too, Liz. I still don't know how right now, but eventually we will find a way."
"We have to," I agreed. "I don't think we'll ever be able to stay apart."
"Well, we've never managed it even when we tried," Kurt added.
"No, we certainly have not. I think we are meant to be."
"I know we are." Kurt kissed me softly, lightly, caressing my face as he did so. He rolled me onto my back. He pressed soft kisses all over my face while I smiled at him.
"God, you are so beautiful," he said. "You are everything." He kissed my lips again, and then very slowly across my jaw line, and then down my neck.
When he made love to me, I could feel everything we felt for one another flood through us so powerfully. Afterwards, I tried to hide my tears, but that never worked with Kurt. He just gazed at me gently as he brushed my tears away from my eyes.
"I know, baby. I know," he whispered softly. "Everything will be okay, someday."
"I sure hope so," I answered, pulling him close to me.
"I just want to grow old with you in obscurity, where no one recognizes me anymore. Where we can wake up together every morning and fall asleep together every night."
"Aww, Kurt." His idealism could get the best of him sometimes. "Of course I want that too." And it was true—I did. I just wasn't sure it would ever be possible. But for right now I had today with him, and that would have to be enough.