The Sun is Gone

Self-Inflicted

Kurt's POV

Life was always easier when I got to see Liz. Unfortunately with my schedule that hadn't been often lately. Touring was exhausting and it sucked. I could scarcely even find the time to call her.
I had done a good job of sticking to weed and liquor, but there was a tiny little black piece of my soul that cried out for heroin no matter how much I tried to squelch it out entirely. I could fight and fight it, but it seemed like it was never going to leave.
Dave and Krist were getting on my nerves a bit. I loved those guys but spending every second together was taxing. I dreaded to think what would happen when we went the whole way to Europe. Short of talking Liz into coming to visit me, I didn't know how I would get through it. And as much as she wanted to visit, she didn't think she'd be able to.
We were in Los Angeles—too far from Seattle, but closer than we had been. At least we were in the same time zone. I was exhausted, having barely slept in days. My body was killing me and my stomach was even worse.
We had finished playing a show with Hole and now everyone was hanging out together partying. I wasn't feeling it, but I sat on the floor, watered down drink in one hand, smoke in the other. Fuck, I felt so awful. If I drank anymore I'd be puking.
"Hey Kurt!" I heard a bright voice greet me. Courtney from Hole sat down on the floor next to me. Her blue eyes gleamed in the dim light. "Mind if I bum a smoke?"
"Not at all," I answered, grabbing her a cigarette and handing her my lighter.
"Thanks." She took a puff and handed my lighter back. "Great show tonight, by the way."
"You guys were really good too," I answered, although I honestly hadn't paid any attention. My head was throbbing.
"You okay, Kurt?" I looked up and Courtney was giving me a concerned look. She sat a hand on my shoulder.
"I—I'm fine. Uh, just not feeling the best tonight."
"You look really pale. You wanna get some air?" She offered. "It's stuffy in here."
"Sure," I answered, struggling to get to my feet. She gave me a hand. Suddenly I felt claustrophobic.
I quickly followed Courtney, not knowing where we were going. The next thing I knew we were climbing onto the roof of the building. My knees shook as I climbed the ladder, but I desperately wanted the air and the space. Finally, we emerged onto the rooftop.
"Isn't it nice up here?" Courtney asked. It was better than being around a bunch of people, but it was still the smoggy, city air.
"Yeah, it's alright," I answered, gazing out at the skyline. Courtney slowly wandered away from me and sat down, facing the other direction closer the building's edge. I started to meander over to her.
"Hey just give me a minute, Kurt," she said. I didn't listen though. I still slinked over and peeked over her shoulder just in time to see her jab a needle into her arm. Fuck. How had I allowed myself to get into this situation?
I was going to be sick. I took a few paces away from Courtney before I started losing the contents of my guts all over the roof of this building. I gagged and heaved and choked.
"Kurt?" asked Courtney, sounding a little dazed. "Are you alright?" She still sat on the ground.
"I'm... I'm fine." I answered. "My stomach is killing me." I collapsed to me knees beside her. I couldn't take it anymore.
"You...umm... you got any more of that?" Only this one time. Just this once to make the pain go away. I didn't even know how I'd make it off of this roof otherwise.
"Kurt, you don't do that shit," Courtney said. "And you don't want to."
"No, I have a few times," I argued.
"Fuck. I still don't think it's a good idea, Kurt."
"Please? I'm too damn fucking sick. Too fucking sick. Please, Court?" The pain was killing me. I had never felt worse in my life. I just needed it to stop. Desperate tears sprung to my eyes.
Courtney finally agreed.

I awoke in an unfamiliar room. I stretched and squinted my eyes, noticing it was light outside but wanting more sleep. My reached out arm brushed against someone else. I jumped a mile. Courtney. Fuck.
The events of the night before came flooding back to me in the blurry, dreamlike way I remembered them— but they were very real. No, I told myself. No, no, no. Fuck.
I remembered shooting up on the top of that roof. Everything had suddenly felt heavenly. I remembered slumping against Courtney for a bit as we both enjoyed our high. And I remembered deciding to kiss her... it was definitely me who had initiated it. I was so lonely and miserable.
And it got so much worse.
I vaguely remembered getting to her hotel room... and bits and pieces of what had followed. I was fueled by the need for contact with another human being, desperately kissing Courtney, who led by removing most of our clothing... climbing into bed with her... feeling the rush of the drugs in my veins as we had sex, and little else. I hadn't meant for things to go that far. What the hell was wrong with me?
How could I have done this to Liz? Any of it? I used again, I cheated on her. I was pure garbage. I could never do so much as allow myself to be in her presence again. She was too good for me.
I looked over at Courtney's sleeping form. She was beautiful, with her short blonde hair and pretty face. She was no Liz, by any stretch. But she was like me. She understood the struggle of fame and still embraced it. She used drugs too. I didn't feel ashamed of myself around her. There was a certain comfort in that. I couldn't deny it.
Fuck it. Liz had Craig. She had never gotten rid of him. Surely I deserved someone too. And Courtney seemed like an obvious choice. I was lonely, and miserable. And a sick part of me wanted Liz to feel the pain I felt when I thought of her with Craig.
When I woke up Courtney, she seemed more than eager for us to be together again. I didn't protest. I was too numb to everything. Life was too hard and I simply didn't care. Maybe this was the so-called rockstar life I was supposed to lead that had never made sense to me. Liz wanted me to have the fame and everything that came with it. So, maybe being a hedonist was just part of the job.