Living In The Mind's Cage

108.

Tears

I told myself I wouldn't cry
over you

But I do it anyhow

They spill from me
regardless of what I want

They burn my face
With clarity
And loss
Of something I thought
I wouldn't miss

They suffocate me
and fill my insides
with raw pain that can
no longer be contained

I am breathless
Trapped in a body
that functions as it does
And yet
Nothing escapes me

I feel it in my bones
The heaviness
that you have left for me
The emotions who don't dare emerge
in fear of what you'll do
just as you always did

But you are no longer here

Why do I function the same way
you programmed me?
After so long

You are gone.

I tell myself that
but you haunt my every night
you skip across my thoughts
and you steal my ability to feel

I am powerless
to stop you from roaming my mind
I sit
With no indication
of what's going on inside

My body hums
and vibrates in the chill
and fear you gave me

The helplessness

The anxiety

I'm choked up
I breathe
but feel as though I am not

I cry
but I am not crying

I'm in pain
I'm grieving
and the weight of it fills my limbs
But not for everyone to see
how painful each step can be

I go on about my day
as I normally would

Checked out
and saying things my logical brain
decides is right
and forget the conversation

Forget to move my face
Forget I feel

But I can't

I watch myself do these things
seemingly without effort
as I stay on auto pilot

Playing my part

I am trapped

I can't leave

I scream
and thrash
Tormented

By the very thing that protected me
from you

That now only serves
as the reminder

Of why you aren't good for me

And still
I cry

Wondering why I still care.

~~RDP~~