Living In The Mind's Cage

100.

3 am thoughts lead
To endless consciousness
Yet nothing at all

I can talk to you all night
I can grasp your hand
You can weep your soul to sleep
As my emotions are buried in sand

I can look at you
So peaceful
Relaxed

Feeling detached
And small
I gaze out the window
That's slowly lighting up
As another hour goes by

I blink
Encased in a steel embrace
Of shallow breathing
And racing thoughts
Whilst not really caring
About anything at all

My throat will dry
With cotton mouth
And the sun has risen again

I think back to just 3 hours ago
Your were laying with shaking hands

I tried as much as I could
To shed as much tears as you
To feel something
At least close enough to what you felt

But I remained the same
I normally always feel your pain
As mine

As if we were one
The distance has lessened
Something in me

To make it so
I can't be
Me

I always cry with you
I always share your grief

But as you say so few words
I knew what you meant underneath

I could only blink
And reassure you
Holding your hand

We listen to music
Drowning out the silence
That was so
Utterly apparent

The silence
We didn't want to think about
But we spoke of only

Cracking jokes to lighten the mood
And wiping your face
Laughing as if nothing was wrong

And although your pain
Was on the surface
You did not feel it alone

I know deep down I could
I couldn't reach far enough down
Just to scratch that memory of feeling
And be right there with you

But I'm faded into a shell
In which appears
Just as I do

I can only stare and say words
I normally would
And be there for you
As I have
I can hold you as you weep
Although I cannot replace what you had

I tried
But I could never measure up
To something we can't explain
I never would take that spot
As I couldn't if I tried
And I've tried
 
But that was just for comfort
I'm not that confident
In something that large
I will not leave your side
As the sun comes up

You toss and turn
I lay on my back
Arms numbing under my head
Looking at the window
Just in front of my bed

It's bright outside I stifle a yawn
Trying to figure out
Whether I could feel anything
At all

Or if I was a robot
Inside and out

I'm used to deactivating
Like this

Although it's not wise
I haven't a care in the world
I wouldn't bat an eye

I couldn't cry
I didn't have the function
Programmed in this head

I would not spare your feelings
If I wanted to be dead
 
I would do it
And that would be all
Troubling
Dangerous
This setting was

Self destruct mode
Is powered on
And you need to stay away

So I'll distance myself
Be alone
Hurt you if I must

I need to be utterly alone
Because deep down in my crust
I know you can't see

Because when this setting turns off
And I break down
Into rubble

You can't be there to fix me
Because I'd rather be
Secretly broken

~~RDP~~

A/N: We'll I've made it to 100 chapters.☺I didn't think I'd make it. I've been reminiscing lately about some things as I continue on the journey of life and with the people around me. Late nights are a big theme in my writings and in my memories. Lots happen then. So much has happened in just a short time and everything has spiraled out of control. I'm trying to focus on the good parts, but my brain seems to want something else entirely as I try to move forward. I'd like to post more on here but another WIP has my full attention right now as I'm co-writing a story with someone and it's exciting and fun. I like how it's been coming along these past few weeks. And maybe I'll start posting it on here, with their permission of course. Anyway it's been a while and I just had an idea pop in my head, so of course I put it here. Vote, comment what you think, let me know if you'd be interested in the fantasy book I'm co-writing and I'll ask for permission to start posting chapters. We have a lot of material so far and it continues to grow a lot very fast. I really do miss being on here though, writing my feelings out, but I've been in such a weird headspace I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'll try though.
Until then.