Living In The Mind's Cage

101.

I had paradise in my hands
But she ripped it away
I had paradise in my grasp
But it wasn't here to stay

I had paradise

I had warmth
In my bed, in my heart
I had warmth within myself
Now I'm without a spark

I had warmth

I had safety
In my arms, in my head
I had safety
And it stayed in my bed

I had safety

I had certainty
In my life, in my shoes
I had certainty
But I don't get to choose

I had certainty

I had hope
In the future, in you
I had hope
That this was something you could do

I had hope

I had love
From above and below
I had love
Though it never seemed to know

I had love

I had heard
Your pain and your confusion
I had heard your voice
And from then on I was disillusioned

Paradise is far
And the pain doesn't stop
Your voice rings in my ears
With each time that we fought

I was content with what I had
Grieved over what I had not
I accepted you would never
Be someone that you're not

You ripped away my safety
Your ripped away my bed
You ripped away my life
As if just a little thread

That you liked to pull
From your shoe
Or the thread of your hair
From your scalp
Just something you couldn't help

You ripped away my warmth
You ripped away my life
You ripped away my certainty
Just with one unhinged night

You ripped away my hope
And you ripped away my love
In you

And you ask me to forgive you?

Not a chance

Paradise was mine
And you didn't spare a glance

You ripped the wings off the butterfly
Like you were a child

You did what you wanted
And everyone else you beguiled

I am no fool
And you can't decieve me
You're the sweetest monster
So no one believed me

Though you've torn apart everything
Straight from the root
You may have ruined us
But you've ruined you too.

A/N: Hello readers. I didn't even realize how much time had passed without updating. So much has happened, my life had literally taken a whole new route. I was doing so well, mentally and with my classes, writing other stories that may come to wattpad and so much positive things to turn my life for the better. Then it all crashed and burned and my life has turned to the worst. I suppose things have their balance. I just thought I was through the worst of my life and boy was I wrong. It's been a very long 5 months away and so many changes have occurred. I was only able to write today about what happened weeks ago. I just couldn't find the words to let any of my feelings out. It's been a confusing and dark time. I hope I didn't worry anyone while I disappeared. Things are still not that great, but I hope to be able to write more as I know it will be good for me. I've come to more realizations on what has really been going on a majority of my life and although I knew, I guess I shut away that part of myself as to not feel anything about it. I hope you all will bare with me. I may not update for a while again. It's just hard to write about something so painful and terrifying. I hope you all forgive me for not leaving a note on here that I'd be disappearing, I honestly didn't think I was going to. I just remember how excited I was with so many things coming together, despite the pandemic. I should've figured that life wouldn't have been so kind to me for that long. I got so hopeful that I was actually going to be okay and push through a lot. Only to be disappointed again when it always turns to shit. I don't know why I continue to get my hopes up, maybe it's the constant wishing of things to be better when I know the other shoe will drop eventually, no matter how good something turns out to be. Anyway I guess I just wanted to let you all know a little bit of what was going on even though it's extremely vague. I am not doing well, but I am alive, so that's a bonus. Hopefully I'll find some motivation to write again or make myself write about these things soon.
Until then.

~~RDP~~