Living In The Mind's Cage

65.

Another month goes by
And here I am
Just always me
Doing the same thing
Everyday

I do the same self destructive behavior
The same nothingness that surrounds my life

But
I have him
And I have my friends

And though they may be gone from my life forever
I still have so much

I've lived and lost so much
And I'm still here

I've fought and lost and managed to stay
Another year, another birthday

Another day of being tired
Of being happy
Of being sad
Living

I don't think I truly grasped that there's variety
Of living life

I just existed
I wasn't much of anything
I still am not much
But I'm more than I was

I was a shell pretending things were okay
I lived for others, instead of myself
I didn't feel
I wasn't allowed to

I wasn't allowed to be happy
I wasn't allowed to feel
I wasn't allowed to just be
Human

And that may have been my fault
Or it might of been his
I truly can't remember anymore
At a certain point it becomes your fault
Because you stay in the comfort of nothing
Of being a shell
Because it's safe

I'm thankful that someone was willing
And cared enough to wait for me
To wait for a person, to come to life to love them
No matter how long it took

I should rephrase
Waiting for a person to admit they love them
To be open and free to it
To not be afraid to get hurt

Because when you get hurt so many times
You get used to it
Then sometimes a decision is made in your brain
To not allow anyone close enough to hurt you ever again
To not be close to anyone
And it's lonely
It's cold
I didn't get hurt by anyone
Except for myself

And that pain will never leave
No matter how small it could get
I can't forgive myself for doing that
To me

I want to be better, go outside
Love
Live
Be human

I want to give myself that freedom
To free myself
From the broken version of me
That wouldn't allow happiness

He broke me down, slowly
And it took a long time
He was patient, still is
He loved me through all of my pain
Continues to love me as I continue to grow
Into someone worthy of love
And to be loved by him

I'm an extreme romantic
I never thought I would get anything like this
I never thought someone could love me
I never thought I could trust someone again
I never thought someone could comfort me again
Give me affection that I had banned myself from

I am here
I see the world
And though I may hate it
I want to live

I want to live

A/N: Hey you guys.😅 It's been a long time... I was originally going to post when the new year started and keep posting, but I hit a really rocky patch. I don't even know what to call this, it doesn't rhyme. I lost all my love for poetry and didn't want to update this book for the longest time because my mental health was really bad. I kept making so many excuses and kept saying I'll catch back up, but I always just keep "catching up" and it's frustrating. I guess this is just a bit of what's been not written out over these past few months and my birthday is coming up again. And I got to say, I'm not ready at all, for anything. 😂 I hope I just make myself write again even if I don't think it's good and just post it. This wasn't supposed to be an official book anyway, it was my venting system for whenever I needed it. I shouldn't judge myself too harshly about it anyway, even if I feel stupid or like a child. Life just has those moments and I have to learn that's ok. If you're thinking, gee this girl must've gone to therapy since she's talking like this, but nope. I'm just trying to take care of myself which I'm really not used to doing, at all. I hope I'll be updating more frequently soon even though school is overloaded with things I need to do and my social life is shot. But hey I've always got wattpad to read my favorite stories for the tenth time or just putting whatever I want in my book. Anyways this is really long, but I've had a lot to say and I really, really feel guilty about going dead on here for so long. But if you're still baring with me, vote comment what you think and I thank you for sticking around.
Until then.

~~RDP~~