Living In The Mind's Cage

67.

Being lonely
And being alone
Are two different things

I am not alone
I have people who care about me
Deeply
But something just isn't right lately

I know I'm slipping backwards
Again
Because of one simple thing
Him

Which means two different people
One of which I thought I had put behind me
But he never seems to leave
Always in my mind
Whispering words I don't want to hear
A ghost that will never stop haunting me

And of course the other...
It's a mess
I'm a mess

Friends shouldn't make each other feel this way right?
Not this guilty
Or pained
Or torn

It's been a long time of being friends
It's been a long time of fights, and distrust
Long time of pain and misery
Honestly I don't know how we made it this far
He's barely holding on
And I'm too tired
I'm just done

I want to be happy
I never allowed myself to do that
To do what I want
Not caring how it affected everyone else
Pleasing everyone else
Can't I choose myself for once?
Can I be selfish to take care of me?

People will say it's normal to take care of yourself
But I'm just learning
And it feels wrong to choose me over someone else
Not when for so long I was no one
Nothing
And thought that's what I'd always be

None of this will make sense
None of this should've been how I was
How I treated myself
But it's over now and I'm trying to put myself first
And it's painful

Everything I do feels wrong
Everything I say feels like an argument waiting to happen
Everything I am doesn't feel real
Doesn't feel right
And it's my fault because I let him shape me in so many ways
Without realizing it

I'm lost
I'm not alone
But it's lonely
I want help
I need help
I'm too weak now
After everything
But this is something I have to figure out

Time still flows
Days go by
Months still pass
And years escape me

What have I done?

~~RDP~~