A Loser's Thoughts on Life

Sleep

Honestly I just have the hardest time with sleep. Take last night for example: I think I got a solid two hours of sleep at the very most. Two hours! I'm running on practically nothing. And I haven't even had any caffeine today either. I don't know how I'm still conscious to be honest.

It's not like I don't try. Trust me, I do. I'll close my eyes and toss and turn all night long. But I'm always just stuck in that not-quite-asleep faze, you know? If you do know, I feel bad for you. Because it sucks.

I never really used to have this problem. The first time I really started experiencing it was two years ago. I was the writer/director of my school's musical and I was really stressed out. Gradually I started getting solid hours of sleep less and less often. I think at my lowest point I slept five or six hours total over a span of three nights. It was somewhere around an hour and a half a night.

This is my problem: I go to bed at a good time, usually around 9 or 10 because I'm tired from the night before. It takes me about an hour to fall asleep. So we're at around 11pm now. I typically sleep from 11 to 1am or 2am and then I wake up and then I'm stuck in that not-quite-asleep faze until I finally get up at 6:30 or 7.

It's not every night though. Some nights I sleep fine. Then I go into these weird cycles where I don't sleep well for several nights until I'm so exhausted that I'm practically forced to sleep well. I've gone for quite a while without this happening, but lately it's started up again. I don't know what it is. I'm not stressed; not overly so anyways. I haven't been having nightmares. No caffeine or sugar before I try to sleep. I just wake up and then I'm awake. And I think about weird stuff too. It's like I can't shut my brain off.

Part of it might be is that I hate wasting time, and sleeping is basically just wasted time. I'm the type of person where I always need to have something to do or a task to accomplish or else I get fidgety and anxious because I feel like I'm wasting time. AND I HATE WASTING TIME.

So maybe my brain is telling me I should be doing stuff so I can't sleep? I don't know.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm crazy. Just kidding, I already know I'm crazy. But it's nothing, I'm sure it will blow over with time. It's just weird and annoying.

Because now I've been exhasuted all day and my mom didn't even let me stay home from school. It's okay though, I hate missing school becasue then I get behind. And that means I'd have to catch up.

And I don't like to catch up, I like to be ahead. You understand my issues with this cycle?

I'm writing this on a piece of paper in my English class and it's really funny because it looks like I'm doing my work becasue my textbook is open. But I'm really not. If only my teacher knew.

It's okay guys, I already finished my homework. Stay in school kids, ranting won't pay the bills.

xoxo Emmalynn