A Loser's Thoughts on Life

Trust

So here's the thing... I'm not a very trusting person. Not at all. I don't know what it is. I always used to think to myself 'i trust people way too quickly' and then I actually thought about it for a second and realized... there is very few people who I actually confide in and tell everything to.

And by very few people, I mean no one.

Look, I have my best friends and I love them very much and I know they would never do anything to hurt me but I can't help it. I don't trust them. No matter how hard I try, and trust me I try and force myself to share some of my secrets with my friends, it just never works.

Here's the thing about trust: for most people, it takes a long time to build up trust. It can take weeks, months or even years to build up trust. And guess how long it takes to break it?

One millisecond.

You know, I wish I had some deep traumatic experience where my trust was broken and that's why I will never trust anyone again. I mean, I wouldn't want that to happen but at least it would be something interesting for you to read. But no, there was no such traumatic time in my life. There's honestly no major reason for my distrust.

Like I mentioned in my last rant, I tend to like to be the leader of things, I suppose you could say. Yes, I'm bossy, I try not to be but it happens. We're over it. Anyways, I think that I just have become so used to being in control that I can't handle letting someone else take over. I can't trust them to do that. You know that saying that's like 'if you want something done right do it yourself'? Well sometimes I take that a little too far.

My teachers have told me 'Emmalynn, let someone else take the lead on the projects every once in a while' or 'How about you let someone else do the work for once' and I JUST CANT DO IT I TRY AND IT DOESNT WORK ITS IMPOSSIBLE.

And when it comes to secrets and telling people things I AM THE WORST. Okay maybe not the worst. But it depends on the thing. Sometimes I think about my friends and I'm like wow this person doesn't know this about me, or this, or this... or that...

You get the idea.

It's not like I have all these deep dark horrifying secrets. I like to think I'm a pretty open book: what you see is what you get. But sometimes that isn't entirely true.

Sometimes trusting people seems like taking a trip down a river without paddles.

Nope. Bad analogy.

It's more like being in a car, blindfolded in the passenger seat and having to hope that the person driving the car knows where they are going.

Better. Analogies aren't my strong suit.

The point is: not being in control gives me anxiety. Am I a control freak? 100%. Is that annoying to people? Probably, buuuuut I don't really care.

So you know what I really hated? Having to play trust games in drama class. HARDEST DAY OF MY LIFE I SWEAR

I think that's enough about my struggles with trust. Love you allllll

xoxo Emmalynn