Young Blooded Mafia

55 | Liars

Ary's POV :

Pernafasanku yg tidak teratur aku tenangkan perlahan-lahan. Stereng kenderaan aku genggam erat dengan gigi terketap. That was so close. So close to his death. I'm not losing another one. I can't bear another loss. Why would he dangered himself? He do know going outside without a protection will be so fucking dangerous. Was it because of me? My attitude? Is it? Fuck! I need to hit something.

"Tak kira sama ada papa ada protection atau tak, mati tu pasti. Tak lewat sesaat, tak cepat sesaat." papa bersuara perlahan selepas hampir setengah jam pemanduan kami membuatkan aku tersentak.

Tubuh tegangku disandarkan ke seat kenderaan. Mula memandu dengan tenang dalam kelajuan yg sederhana.

"I'm sorry." dia berbisik perlahan mengundang keluhanku. "Papa mintak maaf sebab buat Ary risau."

"What if something happen?" aku menyoal lebih kepada diriku sendiri namun papa tetap mendengarnya.

"Papa dah cakap, mati tu pasti. Bila-bila masa je boleh jadi and kita takkan pernah tahu."

"Stop it," aku berdesis.

Papa terdiam.

If they shoot, I would be there. I'm going to witness it. It's going to be the same. My nightmares. My fear. My past. I can't..

Knowing that he would probably get hurt because of me I can't.

I can't control it, yes, the death or any injuries, it's God's plan I know. But I can try at least prevent it. Cause I can't bear the thought of losing another one. It's scary. He's my father. I never forget where I came from. If it not him, I wouldn't be here I know. I fucking know.

So why is it so hard to forgive and forget? Or at least..forgive...

"I'm sorry, caro."

"Stop it. Stop saying that." nadaku kedengaran keras.

"Papa tak sengaja. Papa rimas dengan diaorang semua. Mana papa pergi mesti diaorang ikut."

"Protection pa, protection!" stereng kereta aku hentak marah membuatkan papa tersentak di tempatnya.

Tersedar dengan tindakanku sendiri, aku menyumpah lagi di dalam hati.

"Sekarang Ary dah tak boleh langsung nak bercakap dengan papa tanpa mengamuk pukul semua benda. Sejak-"

"I don't want it, pa. I never want the death."

"Me neither caro, neither of us wanted it. But death is inevitable. Semua yg jadi, jadi atas kehendak Allah."

I know, but it's just hard. Why?

I always questioned why. To everyone. To myself. To the one and only above. Why it has to be me who suffer? Because of my sins? My mistakes? I want to cry. I want to scream to the top of my lungs, anything. Just to make the pain go away. Make the devil gone. Make my rage calm. But I'm done crying. I'm done screaming. I'm done begging.

I just want comfort. A warm hug and a line 'you'll be fine' or 'you got this, I'm here with you' along it.

Even though they all white lies that the truth is I actually not fine and broken with nothing but only pieces and remorse, I just want to hear those words from them. Anybody would be okay. Is it too much to ask for?

"Ary?"

Aku menoleh. Buat pertama kalinya sepanjang pemanduan kami, aku menoleh memandangnya.

"I love you."

Tidak ingin memberi reaksi, aku kembali memandang ke hadapan. Pagar hitam enam kaki kini perlahan-lahan mula jelas menyapa ruangan mataku.

"We're here."