I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 7

They sat in awkward silence for a few moments before Derek spoke up. "I do have another problem," he blurted out without thinking it through completely.

"Really?" Jen was in full-therapy mode by now, "Shoot."

Derek cringed. He knew she'd get angry because he brought up the sore subject, but he didn't want to lose his friend. And all the signs were showing him that he was, in fact, losing her.

"I........I hurt my friend......." he began.

"Derek. Just go. I don't want to do this."

"But it matters to me. You matter to me."

"I'm a big girl, Derek. It was just some kissing. We're adults. We were lonely. We crossed a line, but it's OK. Can we really not talk about this?"

"No. You're hurt. It's my fault. I can't just drop it."

Jen hated him more than a little for making her talk about this. But at least being angry made it easier to have the conversation, "I knew you were just my friend. I crossed the line. I'm the one who should apologize to you."

"No," Derek started, "You're wrong. You need to understand."

"Derek," Jen asked with serious pleading in her voice, "can we........not?"

"No," Derek insisted. "I do have feelings for you. That's the problem. I wanted you.......You're beautiful and sexy and........wonderful. You have to know that I find you attractive."

"Thanks. That's enough, OK?" Jen said, hoping he'd just shut up or leave.

"It's because I care about you that I can't sleep with you."

"What?" she asked, completely astonished.

"I care too much......."

Jen sat there staring at him. The part of her that was accustomed to getting inside people's heads knew that he was getting closer to facing his biggest problem. Her biggest problem was that she was directly impacted by this problem. She cursed the day she let him use those eyes and that smile to con her into this informal alliance they'd enterered. She'd lost perspective. She couldn't be objective. She shouldn't be having this conversation with him. Yet she couldn't even begin to make herself stop it.

Derek stared out the window as he talked to her. "I have sex. Not tons, but I'm male. It matters. It's a physical thing that needs to happen. There's this co-op of terrific single nurses. Nikki, Kaitlin.......and a few others. They keep an eye on me, and they offer to........you know. When it's been a while or when I get stressed out. I hate feeling like I'm using them, but they swear it's not like that. It's just sex. And nobody gets hurt."

Jen just sat and stared at him. Her talking would have been a very bad idea.

"I need that outlet sometimes. And I......," he said, looking up at her with an intense look on his face, "I was tempted. You're hot, you're a great kisser, and I know that we'd be great lovers."

Gulping a little and blushing more than she wanted, Jen finally found one word, "But?"

"But........," Derek began. Jen had trouble focusing. All she could think about was how much she hated the word "but."

"I can't just have sex with you. And I can't commit to more than that. I don't want to hurt you. I hurt Suze.......She was.......amazing. And I really cared for her. We had mind-blowing sex for a long time, but........I just couldn't forget.......I couldn't move on. And I hurt her so badly. I promised I'd never do that again. So I can't have sex with someone I care about. I owe Suze that much......."

Jen stared at him. He met her gaze, knowing how certifiable he sounded by admitting what he truly felt.

"So you want me, and I want you, and we can't have sex. I........I'm just trying to follow you here........"

"I just......I just can't. It would be......sex. It would have to be just sex.....Because I can't share my heart. I care too much about you to just have sex with you, Jen. You deserve more."

Jen sat there just thinking. Or trying to think. One of the two of them was crazy, and she was afraid she was the one on the fast train there.

Derek was going nuts. He'd told her the truth.......as much as he could share. And she was silent. "What are you thinking?" he finally asked.

Jen looked up at him with an emotion-filled expression on her face, "I thought you didn't feel that way about me......"

"No. I care so much about you. I just.......can't........"

"Can't," Jen snapped, "or won't. Are you scared? I won't hurt you, Derek."

"I know," he said sadly, "I'd hurt you. And I don't want to do that."

"We should try this, Derek. If you really feel something for me, too....."

"I can't. I have reasons. I just............can't."




Sorry.........it's all I have so far..........more to come..........