I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 35

You've been more than patient. I know this and I heart you for it!

Derek only left his room long enough to check on Kelly and to apologize for upsetting her. He reassured her that he was just arguing with his sister like Kelly argued with her brother, but he was fairly certain that the perceptive kid knew that he was lying.

After making sure that she was OK, Derek wandered back down the hall and flopped on the bed. He could not ignore the irony of being in a child's room—a place for fairytales and stuffed animals and innocence—at a point in his life in which anything but young and innocent. He was exhausted. He felt old and tired. He wasn't old, but he was taking "tired" to a whole new level. His unstoppable energy and his resilience in the face of more loss than most people experience in a lifetime were finally waning. He'd always told himself that things happened for a reason and that dealing with whatever had happened and moving forward was the only thing to do.

But there had been no reason for him to suffer the greatest loss of all. This didn't have to happen. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Nancy had betrayed him so cruelly. He thought he'd go insane trying to deal with the fact that Meredith had come back for him. That November after he'd returned in June, she had come looking for him still.

Derek was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on the door. Lauren was home. "Der?"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"Can I come in?" she asked hesitantly.

"Sure," he said without moving from the spot where he lay sprawled on Kelly's bed.

"Oh, my God! Nancy told me. What a bit**!"

"Yeah," Derek said nodding.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know.....," Lauren said, her eyes searching his to see how much this had floored him.

"I know," Derek said taking her hand and squeezing it gently.

"What are you going to do, Derek?"

"Read her letters. Go to the funeral. Tell her I've always loved her. Go home and try to make peace with the fact that that's all I'll get."

"Let me go with you. I can be there for you."

"No. I can do this."

"You sure?"

"No. But I feel as if I have to do this alone."

"OK."

"So, are you going to read the letters tonight?"

"No. I need time to unwind after being so angry. I want to be in a more peaceful mood when I read them. Maybe tomorrow."

"There are lots of letters."

"Yeah."

"Well, I think I'm gonna go start dinner. Are you OK?"

"I'll be fine," he said almost believing it.

"Hey, Derek," Lauren said as she looked back over her shoulder at him, "Just for the record. I don't blame you if you never forgive her. It was unforgivable."

"Yeah. Thanks, Lauren."


*********

The next morning after everyone left the house, Derek got into his rental car and drove a short distance. Arriving at his destination, he parked the car and exhaled deeply. He got out of the car and walked up the hill to the place he was visiting. Sitting down beside her gravesite, Derek started talking to his mother.

"Hey, mom. I miss you. Now more than ever. Nancy lied to us, Mom. She hid things from me. I hate her so much right now. I'm sorry because I know that would upset you. But I can't help it. You know I loved Meredith. Everyone who knew me knew that I loved Meredith. I was always so frustrated that you didn't talk to me more about Meredith when I returned from South America. I found out yesterday that you didn't know. Nancy kept Meredith's calls and visits and letters a secret."

He sat there a while thinking back over his fight with Nancy and the secrets she'd kept from him. Then he started thinking again about the funeral he was to attend the following day. "I'm so scared, Mom. She thinks I'm dead. What if I see her and she still loves me, too. How can I walk away from that? We deserved to be together and happy. She loved me, too. Nancy stole that from us. And now Meredith has a family. I couldn't ask her to leave them. It's not just fair......."

Derek sat there trying desperately to feel his mother's presence. After he had reached some conclusion, he stood up and smiled down at the place where they'd buried his mother. "Well, I'd better go. Lauren's called three times. My phone has been vibrating like crazy. She's worried. I.....I just wanted to tell you that I won't let this thing with Nancy tear the family apart. I won't make them choose sides. I know you wouldn't want that. But I don't think I can ever forgive her. It's too much.

I'm going home and read her letters. I'm scared, but I have to know. She never stopped writing, you know. There are letters postmarked last Christmas. She never gave up on me, Mom. I guess that will have to be enough for me."

"I miss you so much!" he whispered with tear-filled eyes as he turned to drive back to Lauren's house.

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The next day at the funeral, Derek was a wreck. He was sweaty-palmed and jittery and more nervous than he'd ever been in his life. He wasn't ready for this. He couldn't prepare himself for what it would be like to see her. He'd hardly breathed making his entrance to the church because he was afraid he'd bump into her and fall completely apart. Luckily for him, he had arrived and been ushered in unnoticed. The small church was very crowded. Lots of hospital administrators and surgeons and other colleagues from Harvard and other local universities. Derek purposefully chose to sit up in the balcony for the service. He couldn't see much there. Just knowing that he was in the same room with Meredith was overpowering. He didn't think he could stare at her for an hour and keep his sanity. He spotted the back of her head down front. Seeing only that part of her was bearable. Seeing her husband's arm around her was not.

Despite his best efforts, Derek couldn't stay for the whole service. He left early and drove around, calling Jen for support and encouragement and even driving back by the cemetery to calm himself. After much cajoling and a few blatant threats, Jen convinced him to go to the Grey house for the reception. Even so, he sat in his car a long time before summoning the courage to attempt an entrance. With every step, he feared his heart would burst or his legs would give way. Unable to make himself face the prospects of seeing Meredith at the front door, he noticed that people were milling around the backyard. So he wandered around back and made himself as inconspicuous as possible.

The back of the large, well-kept house was flanked with a very large picture window. Derek smiled remembering how he had often stood or sat near that window to take in the beautiful view of the gardens and the wooded lot. Pleasantly and safely enough, from his perch outside, the window gave him a wide view of the occupants of the house. He was finally relaxing a bit when he saw her.


My life is brilliant
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.


Meredith walked into the room, and his heart stopped. It was as if his senses were dulled except in regard to her. He could make her out clearly. She was smiling and introducing her son to someone. He even thought he could hear her laugh. He was captivated. His feelings for her were as strong and as true as they had ever been.


You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


He ached to rush to her and profess his love and to kiss her senseless. Instead, he watched from afar and noticed all the little things about her that had always been his undoing. The sincerity of her smile, the way her hair constantly fell into her face and demanded that someone—it has so often been his job—brush it away. Her thin yet beautifully feminine body. The vision of her was just as wonderful as the memories he'd held onto for so long.



Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end.



From his hidden vantage point, Derek gave himself permission to look at her intently--drink her in. His breath caught as her other children ran in to hug her and pepper her with questions. She smiled brightly as she returned their enthusiastic hugs and giggled at something one of them said. Then he saw her relax as her husband stood behind her and pull her into an embrace, kissing her cheek tenderly. She was happy. She was still so beautiful. Part of his brain screamed for him to turn away from the vision of everything that he'd lost, but he couldn't. He wanted to etch Meredith's happiness into his memory for safekeeping.



You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

La la la la la la la la la


It is enough. Just seeing her has to be enough. She's happy. He kept repeating those phrases to himself, hoping that they would help convince his ever-breaking heart.


You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.



You're Beautiful by the amazingly talented James Blunt.