I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 83

The meal was winding down, but nobody but Derek (and quite possibly Meredith) seemed in any hurry to leave. Having been the last to arrive, he and Jen couldn't exactly be the first to bolt out the door, but Jen kept reassuring Derek that she would get him out of there as soon as she possibly could.

He really owed her for the way she had helped him face Meredith and her date and his demons that night. He reached over and put his arm around her in a gesture of appreciation that meant the world to her. Because she knew that touching another woman in Meredith's presence was the most foreign concept he could imagine. They smiled at each other, and that smile drew Gayle's attention. She commented on how well-matched they seemed and how happy they looked. This time Derek was the one to notice how Meredith paled a bit overhearing that conversation. He caught her eye with a searching look only to see her look pained before glancing away and looking quietly miserable.

Derek's heart lifted a bit as he realized that she really did still care, but then what he overheard next sent his heart literally crashing through the floor. Seeing the glance exchanged between his date and the father of her oldest child, Jim had leaned closer to Meredith and started talking to Trent in a conversation he clearly meant for the whole table to hear.

"Trent," he began, "you've got to help me talk your mom into going to the Vineyard with me. She says she's never been there........."



And breathe... just breathe,


Derek literally shuddered hearing those words. His eyes flew to Meredith's and there was a sincere apology in her glance. At least he could tell that this wasn't something she had expected or invited. But she had to look away to avoid the searing pain evident in Derek's expression. As the two suffered their secret wounds, Jim continued.

"Can you believe Meredith's never been to Martha's Vineyard? I can't. I love it there." Grinning over at Meredith, he continued, "She'll love it, too. It will be wonderful and relaxing—just the two of us. A real vacation."

Not THAT trip, Derek's mind screamed. He didn't need to deal with those memories around him tonight of all nights. Meredith grew increasingly pale as her date regaled the table with his plans to whisk her back to the place she first made love with Derek. She tried desperately to convince Jim to drop the subject, but he seemed oblivious or unconcerned about any grief he might be causing.



Oh breathe, just breathe



Derek looked over at Jen and saw that she looked extremely angry. She knew the story. She knew the memories he was being forced to relive. She knew how horrid this was for him to hear. And she looked ready to hurt someone. Derek guessed it might be Meredith. But he couldn't handle the added stress of Jen's anger for his sake on top of everything else.

Making quick excuses, Derek rose and left the table. Instead of going to the restroom as he had pretended he would, he went straight to the bar. "Single malt scotch.........hell, any scotch..........make it a double," he barked when the bartender came up. "And pour me another," Derek said miserably.



May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."


Derek didn't care that he was reduced to thoughts of drinking himself to death. He was just relieved to be away from the table. He couldn't take it anymore. But had he been within earshot, he would have been surprised at what Jen did next. It was proof that she really was furious.

"Oh," she said to Jim who was still babbling on about Martha's Vineyard. "Are you going to take the ferry over there?" She knew that Meredith had ridden that very ferry with Derek so many years ago, and she wasn't about to let Derek be the only one suffering from those old memories.

She continued with a pointed glance at Meredith, "Derek's bound to have ridden that ferry—he could probably tell you all about it. He has such a THING for ferryboats. We ride the ferry in Seattle together all the time. You're right. Ferry rides are VERY romantic. They put Derek in the very best of moods.....if you know what I mean." Meredith choked on the water she had been sipping to calm herself. Jen was pleased to see that this line of conversation was torturing her, too.

Meredith excused herself--allegedly to go clean up after her spill. She had to find Derek. She had to apologize. This had to be horrible for him. She owed him at least an apology. But she couldn't help but wonder if he'd be willing to listen--if she could muster the courage to try to do more than just apologize. Sighing sadly, she realized that she had so little hope that all was not really and finally lost.

Derek sat at the bar musing about how grateful he was that Carson and his sisters were not yet there to witness his obliteration. They were all due to arrive the following day for the wedding. Grateful for the peace and solitude, he sat staring into space and making sure the bartender kept the scotch coming.

Meredith couldn't find Derek. She had started crying as she looked for him, knowing that he must be in horrendous pain. And it was all her fault--again. She really hadn't meant for this to happen. After a frantic but unproductive search and still unable to find him, she went into the ladies' room to try to clear her face and calm down a bit.

In the meantime, Jen had also left the table and gone straight to the bar. She knew Derek would be there. She did not know, however, that he'd be working on his third Scotch already. "Hey," she said sympathetically as she walked up and put her hand on his arm. "Come back to the torture chamber before I go all trailer park on Meredith and Jim for you."

Derek looked over at her and smiled sadly. They embraced, and she hugged him tightly. "You're almost finished. Let's just go wrap this up and we'll get out of here."

Derek pulled back and looked at her intensely, "I love you, Jen. You know that right?"

Neither of them had noticed that Meredith had walked in just in time to witness that exchange and hear Derek speak to Jen. She stood there paralyzed as Derek smiled one of those knee-melting smiles at Jen, and it cut Meredith to her core. Even as her heart was crumbling, she couldn't help but be comforted by seeing a look of pure happiness on Derek's face. She just wished that—for once—she could be the one to make him look that happy.



Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.


Jen hugged Derek again as Meredith left the room in tears. The pain of that scene was made so much worse by the fact that she had been seeking Derek out to comfort him and talk to him. Now she felt entirely irrelevant and more than miserable. She knew she didn't deserve any more chances to talk to him after bringing a date when he clearly would have been happy to spend that weekend escorting her. She had reasons, but they didn't matter any more. Knowing she didn't deserve time alone to talk to him didn't make things any easier for her. She knew she'd never reach the point where she didn't at least want time with him.

She leaned against a wall in the hallway and the horror that was unfolding finally hit her. She now felt the crushing loss and disappointment he must have felt upon learning that she'd moved on without him when he'd been kidnapped and didn't return for so long. She sobbed into her hands and she slumped to the floor. It wasn't supposed to be like this. How had this all gone so badly? And she hadn't even had a chance to talk to him. It really didn't matter now, did it? After all these years, Derek had moved on. Oh God, I've lost him forever.......




Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe