I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 36

Absorbed in his sincere happiness for his long lost love, Derek must have stood there for a very long while. He didn't notice that he had been seen.

"Hi," a man said, extending his hand.

Derek tried desperately to hide the flinch that occurred when he realized who was greeting him. "Hello," he said quietly as he shook the man's hand and purposefully avoid giving him his name. Derek noticed that the man had realized that he had been staring at Meredith intently. He saw him glance back at Meredith cautiously before turning back to Derek with an overly friendly look plastered on his face.

Crap! Derek thought as his mind worked on every possible means of exiting this awkward situation.

"Were you a friend of Dr. Grey's?" the man asked, looking as if he were trying to read his expression and actions.

Derek decided to stick to the bare facts and not volunteer more than he had to. "I've known her a long time," he said matter-of-factly.

"Did you work with her?" he asked.

"No," Derek said, taking his own turn to appraise the man talking with him. Trying to hide the deep breath he needed, he continued, "I was friends with Meredith."

A look of concern flashed across the man's face. "Oh," he said eagerly, "I'm Steve......her husband."

"Nice to meet you," was all that Derek could squeak out. This was not what he wanted. This was too hard. Steve seemed nice, and somehow that made the whole situation more difficult instead of easier to bear. He had to escape. He was going to completely flip out if he didn't.

"I know she'll be happy to see you," Steve began. "Let's go inside....."

"No. That's OK," Derek said, his heart beating wildly. He could not stomach having Meredith's husband reintroduce them. Couldn't see it happening. That wasn't the way things were supposed to be. "She's busy," he said, nodding toward the view of Meredith having a conversation. "I don't want to be a distraction......," Derek said, the hidden lie in that statement painfully apparent to at least one of them.

"I'm sure you wouldn't be," Steve said, reaching for Derek's elbow to lead him toward the house. Derek was certain that Steve was just curious about why he had been staring so intently at his wife. Curious—not angry. Derek knew that he had never been able to hide his love from Meredith from his eyes, so he was certain that Steve was wary of him, but he didn't appear to be doing anything except trying to reacquaint Meredith with an old friend.

Just as Derek was about to be pulled into his absolute worst nightmare, his cell phone rang. He grabbed it quickly and said, "Sorry......I need to take this."

Making his hasty departure into the front yard, he finally was able to breathe again. "Hi. Yeah. I'm glad you called."

As Derek made his way out into the front yard and onto the sidewalk, he started explaining, "Oh, my God! You are so wonderful! I was about to have her husband take me to her. I escaped—thanks to you. I love you, Jen. You are the best friend I've ever had. You have no idea........"

"You still haven't talked to her?"

"No. Not yet." [Note: Yeah. I know. You're as frustrated as Jen is. And you all hate me. I get it.]

"Are you OK?"

With each step Derek took away from the house, he was better able to breathe and express himself. "She's still beautiful, Jen. She loves her family. I'm happy for her."

Jen thought for a moment before responding, "So. What are you going to do?"

"I'll lay low and wait for people to leave. I want just a few minutes to talk to her without freaking her out in the middle of the reception. That wouldn't be fair to her. She's responsible for talking to the guests."

"OK.......," Jen said sounding skeptical. "Are you sure you're not just trying to chicken out?"

"No. This is hard. Really hard. Harder than I thought it would be. But seeing her puts everything into perspective. I think if I get to see her without an audience and without her husband introducing us, I'll be OK."

"Call me back if you need me, OK?"

"I will. And thanks for rescuing me back there. You are so my knight in shining whatever."

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Eventually the crowd started to thin. Most of the guests had left the reception. Derek had calmed down enough to make his way out back again to the spot with the perfect view of what was going on inside. He watched for a while before convincing himself that it was time. Finally screwing up his courage, he took a deep breath and walked across the patio, opened the door and walked inside. Derek's pride that he had taken such a huge step quickly dissolved as the scene unfolded before him.

He was faced with Meredith saying goodbye to her family. The kids were giving her hugs, and Steve leaned in and kissed her the way happily married couples who still love each other do. Derek looked away. He knew his limits. Still hidden from the family's view, he overheard their conversation. Steve was making sure each child hugged Meredith and told her goodbye. "Mom will be home in a few days. Show her how much you'll miss her."

Meredith knelt down and hugged the five-year-old twins. "I love you buckets and bunches and boodles! You be good. Mind your dad or else!" she said smiling lovingly at them. "We will, Mommy! We love you, Mommy!" Their goodbyes were sweet and sentimental and everything a family should share together.

Tears filling his eyes, Derek fled again to the backyard. He was determined to see her, but he was too choked up at the moment to face her. He had to get some air and clear his head.

So he waited, and he watched, and he prayed that he was doing the right thing by talking to her. As much as he wanted to see her, he didn't want to hurt her or her family. Standing there trying to face the demons that had plagued him for the past eleven years, he was too nervous to rehearse what he might say to her. He kept touching the photos in his pocket and remembering the letters she'd written to him. He'd poured over them for hours the evening before. They just got better the more times he read them, so he kept on reading and reading and reading. They were now another of his most treasured possessions.

In his mind, he ran back through the one Meredith must have sent after seeing Nancy once Derek was back at home.

My dearest Derek,

I still miss you so much. I hope you'll forgive me for trying not to think about you because it hurts so much when I do. And if I didn't stop myself, you'd still be the person I thought about all the time.

I still wish every day that you had come back to me. I know that I left town, but I hoped you'd get these letters and come find me. I suppose something made that impossible, but I've kept writing anyway just in case these were finally to reach you.

Since I became a mom last year, I've found a fulfillment I'd never known. He's a perfect little boy, and I love him more than I can express. Juggling medical school and a baby has been difficult, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'm sure you're wondering, if you're actually reading this, what big news from me prompted this letter. Well, the news is big, but I'm struggling with how to tell you. I guess I should start by telling you that I flew home last month. I stopped by your house and talked to Nancy. I was facing a big decision, and I couldn't make it without getting word about you.

She says that they've stopped looking for you. She asked me to stop coming by. They're trying to move on, and I suppose I should, too. The thing is, I don't want to. I want to wait until you come back to me. But I'm the only one who won't believe that you're dead and not coming back. I still can't accept that you're gone.

I still love you more than ever. That's why telling you this is so hard. I'm getting married today, Derek. Steve's a really nice guy. You'd like him. He's great with Trent, and he'd been there for me for the last year and a half. He really loves me, and he wants to marry me.

I love him, too. I just.....I just keep thinking that it should be you. You should be the one I pledge to love forever because it's true. You should be the one who holds my hand at night and the one who is my lover, my soulmate, my life partner. Please don't think that I'm replacing you. Nobody could ever take your place, Derek. You'll have my heart forever.

I hope you can forgive me for marrying someone else and moving on. I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

All my love always,
Meredith