I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 29

I'd ask you to be patient, but I'm afraid we're past the point of that.....maybe this will help.........maybe.........


Derek continued telling Jen the parts of his story he had carefully hidden from her for too long, "I never would have made it onto that plane back to Ecuador if Meredith hadn't held my hand and promised me that we'd be together in six months and then for the rest of our lives. I kissed her as if we were the only two people in the world, and it just wasn't enough. She smiled at me and asked me to write to her, and then she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me back for the last time. I couldn't have left if I'd known that would be it. I would have made Mark stay, too, or I would have written him every day while he was back there alone, but I could not have left her knowing that it would be the last time I'd see her."

With tears freely falling, Derek continued his sad tale. "Once I remembered, I begged them to talk to me about Meredith. Everyone got choked up and had trouble talking to me about it. Nancy offered to call Meredith's mom for me. I wasn't sure what to make of that offer, but I let her do it. She came back and said that Ellis didn't know where Meredith was. Nancy tried to reassure me that Meredith was out of my life and that I needed to forget about her, but I couldn't do that. I said I was going over to talk to Ellis myself, and both Nancy and my mother begged me not to go.

But I went anyway........



I drove over to the house and knocked on the door. As I stood on the porch of a house in which I had spent hours loving Meredith, I was hit with a flood of memories of her—so many that I could barely breathe. Just as the oxygen was slowly making its way back into my system, the door opened quietly. Meredith's mom, Dr. Ellis Grey, stood there staring at me for a while before she stepped backward and opened the heavy door so that I could enter.

I walked into the foyer and waited for her to say something. She remained silent, but she motioned for me to follow her into the formal living room. I had hardly ever been in that room. It was furnished with expensive antiques and a grand piano. Dr. Grey turned on a lamp and sat on one of the sofas. I sat on the one across the room from her.

Meredith's mother was a cold, formal person. I had always thought that she liked me as well as she would have liked anyone, perhaps more, but I never really bonded with her. My mother wrapped her arms around Meredith every time she saw her and always made her feel welcome. In contrast, I decided that I was merely tolerated, but I was always treated more kindly than Meredith was, so I knew I had no room to complain.

Now that I was there, I was afraid to talk. Words would not come. Meredith's mother was formidable under less stressful circumstances, and she was actively using her powers of intimidation now. Every time I looked up at her, she was staring at me intensely. After meeting her eyes, I would look away or clear my throat or fidget in a way that I'm sure she wanted to criticize. She only glared at him and said nothing.

I was nervous. I was so afraid that she would tell me something awful. And I was more fragile than I wanted to admit to myself after everything that I had been through.

"I heard about the kidnapping," Dr. Grey began quietly. "I am glad that you returned home safely."

"Thank you," I said quietly. "I had amnesia for many months."

She nodded and appeared to waging an internal debate about whether to discuss the medical implications of my illness, finally opting to avoid that route, "So your sister informed me," she said curtly.

There was another prolonged silence. Then I suddenly found my voice, "Where is she?"

Dr. Grey appeared to be considering her options. She finally looked at me and then looked away as she said, "I don't know."

She doesn't know? She's lying.

"I have to find her," I stated. That was a fact I could state with absolute certainty.

"Don't bother. I haven't," Dr. Grey said flatly.

"But I love her.....," I began, my voice betraying the fear and panic that I was feeling.

"Me, too," she said sadly. "But she hurts everyone she loves. She hurt me, and she hurt you. Finding her would be a mistake. It will only bring you more pain.......Move on. I have."

"No!" I yelled, leaping to my feet and beginning to pace. "I can't move on. She's.......she's everything to me!"

"Don't be stupid," Dr. Grey said, raising her voice authoritatively. "She's nothing."

"That is not true!" I screamed, no longer caring about showing her any deference. I'd always remained quiet and respectful even though Meredith had told me hundreds of mean things her mother had said and done—even when I witnessed a number of them. But this was just too much. "Don't say things like that about her. What kind of mother are you?"

The look she gave me made my blood run cold. "I no longer have a daughter."

After pausing only long enough to inhale deeply, I walked closer to where she still sat, "Well tell me where to find her, and I'll leave you alone, too."

"I don't know where she is. I don't care. Neither should you." As she said those last words, she stood and walked across the dark, formal room to stand beside the opulent curtains and stare out the window, turning her back to me.

"What happened? Why did she leave? You used to tolerate each other...."

"She ruined her life. I couldn't let her ruin mine, too."

What the hell is she talking about? I have to make her look at me. I cannot allow her to avoid telling me the truth. As frantic as Derek was, he was able to realize that this was likely his best opportunity to find out what had happened. So he dove in and pressed on, pushing her for answers, "Ruined her life? What does that mean?" He walked around in front of her so that she had to face him as she responded.

She looked up at him and then looked away, choking back tears. There's no point. Telling him would only give him hope. There is no reason for him to have false hope. I have to say something to get rid of him.

It was as if Derek had read her mind. "I will not leave until you tell me something, anything........." Dr. Grey was silent. "When was the last time you heard from her? Did she go to medical school? Where is she?"

"I don't know," she lied.

"Do you hate me?" Derek asked, desperation enveloping him like a dark cloud.

"No," she said, her voice void of all emotion.

"Then why won't you help me? You have to know that I need to find her."

"Finding her will not help you. Don't waste your time."

Derek turned to her and willed her to look at him. Dr. Grey slowly raised her eyes to his and she was shocked by the emotion and pain evident in his expression. "I've had enough stolen from me.......my memory......my best friend.......years of my life......... I won't stand for losing anything else. I cannot lose Meredith. We are soulmates. I have to find her. You have to tell me where she is."

"There's no point."

"Tell me where she is and let me make that decision when I find her. I am not leaving until you tell me why she left."

"She went to medical school," Dr. Grey finally admitted.

"Good," Derek said, finally able to breathe a bit. "Where?"

"I don't know," she lied again.

"You're lying," Derek said, knowing that she wasn't telling him what she knew.

"No. Look. You're a very smart young man. You'll make a great doctor. Go finish medical school. I'll write glowing letters of recommendation for your readmittance."

"That's not why I came here. That's not what I want. I need to find Meredith."

"You can't.........you can't find her. She's gone. She's dead to us."

"Not to me. Not ever," Derek said with conviction. "Tell me what happened."

"Look. I tried to save you more pain. But I see that you won't let this drop."

"No," Derek said strongly, "No, I won't. Please, please tell me."

Ellis Grey sighed heavily. "Fine. But you're leaving after I tell you. Don't come back."

Derek nodded and tried to breathe as normally as a man on the verge of life altering news can inhale.

Dr. Grey was trying to normalize her breathing as well. She was actually thinking through her favorite kinds of alcohol and pondering which would help her pass out and forget this misery after he left. "Sit down. You need to sit down."

Derek obeyed her and sat on the sofa. His mouth was dry. His palms were slick with sweat. He was scared senseless. He had to know. Watching Meredith's mother pace a bit and consider what to tell him, he tried to brace for whatever came next. Subconsciously, his right hand brushed his left front shirt pocket, touching the photos he always carried there over his heart out of habit to calm himself.