I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 31

Derek only recently found out where Meredith was (when her mother died).

Yes, this is slow. Yes, it's not what you wanted. But it is what it is. And I'll try to update again in the morning!

"So now we're at the crux of the problem. The reason that I came here and wrecked your plans and made you hungry while I talked your ears off. This is big, Jeni. This is scarier than being kidnapped and not knowing who I was. This might be the thing that finally does me in.

I'm going to see Meredith, Jen. In just a few days."





"Oh, my God, Derek! Really?" Jen could not hide her surprise.

"Yeah.....," Derek sighed, his own voice laced with disbelief.

"Well, this is wonderful.......I mean......after all this time........Oh, my God, you've got to be completely freaking out!"

"I'm glad I'm not paying you for this. You're a professional, remember? You're supposed to be reassuring and help calm me down—not freak me out all over again!" Derek said, trying to joke about the insanity of what was happening.

"Well, of course, but.......dammit, Derek. I'm only human! And I care so much about you. And you've waited so long......."

Derek merely nodded as she voiced the thoughts that had been constantly running through his own mind.

"You can do this, Derek. You can tell her how you feel. This is your chance to find happiness. Don't let your fear keep you from telling her everything."

"There's only one problem," Derek said as he leaned back in his seat.

"What?" Jen asked, "We can come up with a plan. You can deal with it—whatever it is."

"Actually," Derek said sadly. "I really can't tell her anything. Not how I still feel about her."

"What? Why not? You're kidding, right?"

"I wish I were," Derek said, pain resonating in his words.

"What is it, Derek?" Jen asked leaning closer to him.

"I've lost her..........," Derek said, emotions finally causing his voice to shake and his eyes to fill with tears. "I can see her—and God knows that's something I've wanted for far too long. I might even be able to talk to her a bit. But it can't be what you were thinking. I can't pour my heart out to her."

"Why not? You love her so much. I can't believe she doesn't still love you. You might have a child........."

"No," Derek said, shaking his head sadly. "I had hoped and prayed that would be true, but it wasn't. One day, Meredith's mom was especially lucid, and she picked a fight with me. She harassed me for being there and said a number of hurtful things. She told me to stop pining for Meredith and repeated much of what she said to me years ago. Angry, I replied that I was convinced that the child was mine. She laughed at me."

"It reminded me of all the reasons that I had once hated her much more than I pitied her. She only stopped laughing long enough to crush my last hope. I hated her so very much in that moment. She admitted that she had lied to me years before. She told me that she had known where Meredith was, and that she had attended medical school in Chicago. My heart was in my throat. I couldn't breathe."



"Don't get your hopes up, Shepherd. It wouldn't have done any good for me to tell you--the baby wasn't yours. Apparently, Meredith married the man who knocked her up about six months after you showed up on my doorstep. They helped each other work through school, and they seem to be happy. They have other children now, too. She moved on."

"Why should I believe you? You're just trying to hurt me," Derek said, matching her cynicism and cruelty with disdain and distrust syllable for syllable.



"I had expected bitterness or yelling or more cruelty, but she simply started crying. She sobbed bitterly and couldn't seem to stop. Crying was not something Ellis Grey ever did. But that one day was an exception to many rules. At first I was concerned because extreme mood shifts often sent her spiraling into a less aware state, but that wasn't the case that day. Before I realized what was happening, she was begging my forgiveness and telling me how sorry she was that she ruined my chance at happiness. She told me that the guilt of her actions compounded by the fact that she knew I was helping her now despite her cruelty toward me was more than she could bear.

Lost in more sadness and regret than she'd ever let herself experience, she moaned with grief for alienating her daughter and losing her. She let a lifetime of regret and mistakes rise to the surface, and the enormity of it all overwhelmed her. I had never seen a person cry so hard for so long. It was excruciating to witness and hear her sobs. So much so that I surprised myself by managing to walk over and put my arm around her, and she clung to me desperately and begged me to forgive her. At first, I chastised myself for being nice to her given the things she had done to Meredith and to me, but I was unable to stop helping her when I realized we had both loved and lost the person who mattered most to us. I cried with her until she cried herself to sleep."