I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 39

Even with Derek in a tearful state, Meredith was frustrated. "You suck at lying to me. You know that, right?"

"I'm not lying. I've never lied to you, Mer. Everything I've said has been true."

"You're leaving things out. Things that you think will hurt me. That's lying, Derek."

"Why upset you by telling you things that we can't change? It just doesn't matter."

"Because you don't lie to me, Derek. And that matters. I can take it. Stop underestimating me. Tell me everything."

"No," Derek said, getting up and going over to stare out the window. Meredith stood and followed him over there. She put her hand aside his cheek and willed him to look at her. When he finally did, she continued, "I need to know. Please tell me all of it."

They stood there in tears. Derek looked away from her trying to hold onto his resolve.

"Seattle???!!! Oh, my God! You were my mother's doctor! The one who was so wonderful to her"

Derek nodded.

"But how? Why?"

"It was pure coincidence, Mer. She was brought to Seattle Grace, and I was on call. Once I found her, I kept visiting. I......I don't want to sound pathetic, but she made me feel closer to you. So I kept going."

Meredith nodded thoughtfully for him to continue knowing that she would have done the same, "She told me things about you. She really loved you, Mer. She was so guilt-ridden about her mistakes. I wanted you to know. You deserved to know how she really felt. I know she wasn't good at telling you herself. I.....I kept a journal of her memories. When she had lucid moments, we had wonderful conversations and she told me things she remembered. The journal is in the car. I'll leave it with you. I thought it might help you grieve. I know you weren't close, but she did love you and she wished that things had been different."

Meredith was crying hard now. He put his arm around her shoulder. "Thank you," she said sniffling. "That's the nicest thing anyone could ever do. You're just wonderful."

"I'd do anything for you, Mer. Anything," She reached over and took his hand. "I know," she said smiling weakly at him, "I feel the same way."

They stood there for a long time just leaning on each other. Finally, Derek took a deep breath and then just opened up his heart to her the way he'd hoped he'd be able to do. "I never stopped missing you, Mer. I'll always miss you. I'll always love you."

She nodded through her tears knowing that she'd break down if she said anything at that moment. He pulled her closer to him. "You OK?" he asked. She nodded "yes" again.

Derek could tell that she was extremely emotional. Having said his peace, he decided to offer her some time to calm down, "It's late. I know you've had a long day. I......I could come back tomorrow."

Meredith was so emotional that she couldn't speak at first. She just squeezed his hand tightly until she was able to calm down a little. "No. Please stay. You can have my mom's room or my room. There are plenty of rooms here."

Derek smiled at her incredible offer. "I'm sure Carson would not approve. And Lauren......"

"Yeah. I know it sounds like a bad idea, but please stay. I don't care what they think. I'm so happy you're here. We don't have much time. I don't want to waste a minute."

Derek sighed and looked down at her. He had never been able to say "no" to her. "OK," he said, kissing her forehead as both of them longed for that simple, sweet act to be so very much more.

Finally pulling away unable to take being that close to him any longer and retain her sanity, Meredith led Derek upstairs, muttering and rambling about how it made more sense for him to stay in Ellis' room. Opening the door, she led the way in, turning on a lamp or two and finding towels for him in the adjoining restroom. More flustered than she wanted to let on, Meredith finally turned to look at him, "So......goodnight," she said, tension filling the air, but she couldn't help smiling at him.

"Goodnight, Mer," he said tenderly.

Meredith made her way back across the large room to the door that led into the hallway. Looking back over her shoulder, she stopped briefly to speak to him, "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you're real. Promise me you'll be here in the morning."

Smiling at her and completely understanding her fears that this all wasn't real since they were also his own, he said, "I promise."

With a wistful expression on her face, she continued, "I don't want to lose you again."

"You won't," he said looking directly into her eyes, "Not ever."

"Good," she said smiling a genuinely happy smile.

"'Night," she said as she left the room.

"'Night," Derek whispered to the closing door.

*********

By the time he checked his cell phone, Derek had over 40 text messages and voice mail messages. Smirking about the source of most of them, he decided to handle first things first. Scrolling through his list of missed calls, he selected one number and dialed it.

"Hey. Look. I.....I'm.....um.....staying here tonight. In Ellis' room. We're going to talk more tomorrow."

"Really?" Lauren asked in surprise, "Isn't that awkward? What does her husband think?"

Derek said nothing.

"He's not there, is he?" Lauren asked.

"No. But don't worry. We're just talking."

"OK. You're a big boy. Are you OK?"

"Yeah."

"Is she OK?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"Did you tell her everything?"

"Almost."

"Has she told you her story?"

"That's tomorrow."

"Oh. Do you need anything?"

"Valium, scotch, lobotomy, therapy....."

"Something I can help with, you big dummy."

"No. I just didn't want you to worry. And tell Kelly that I miss her."

"OK. Derek? We love you."

"You, too."

And they said goodnight and ended the conversation.