I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 72

For three days, Derek stayed away. He called Trent and met him out, sent food anonymously to the house, and chatted for hours with Jen.

Realizing that there wasn't any reason for him to stay, he made plans to return home the following day. The funeral was over. He hadn't even considered attending it. Instead, he had quietly paid his respects to Steve in the only place where they'd be understood—in private. He knew that others would have considered his farewell to Steve insincere or inappropriate, so he had sat in his hotel room and dealt with his feelings on his own.

After dinner out with Trent, Derek took him home. Losing the internal battle he waged with himself over whether to go inside, he finally entered the house. He was met by a ferocious hug from Jenna, and even a more quiet one from Ariella. He smiled warmly at her as Carson walked in. "Hi," she said upon seeing him there.

"Hi," he said softly, "I'm so glad you're here."

"Yeah," she agreed, "I just wish it were the old days when Meredith and I got together for fun........not funerals."

"I bet," Derek said nodding sadly.

There was a brief silence as the air between them hung heavy and foreboding.

"No," Carson said strongly.

Derek just looked over at her.

"I know what you want to ask. She's not OK. And she won't talk to you. She won't talk with anyone. She's shut down. The pain--and the guilt—are killing her."

"Is there anything I can do? Anything she needs?"

"No."

"Carson, I can't just leave her like this."

"It's what she wants. It's what she needs."

"No," Derek said, stealing her response and turning in on her.

"She's broken, Derek. And she won't let either of us help her. We don't have a choice. She'll let me in in time. Not you. She can't. It would kill her."

Derek looked down sadly.

Carson smiled at him, "She knows that you love her. I know that you love her. She's too broken to accept love right now. Maybe ever. You have to leave her to heal."

Derek nodded. He didn't know what else to do, "Can I tell her goodbye?"

"You wouldn't be you if you didn't try," Carson said, patting him on the shoulder.

"You're a good woman, Carson," Derek said as he thanked her and gave her a hug.

"You're pretty terrific, too, Derek," Carson said as she hugged him back. Derek pulled back and smiled at her sadly before making his way up to Meredith's room.

Stopping outside to breathe, Derek finally knocked.

"Come in."

Derek stuck his head inside, "Hey," he said softly.

"Hey."

Derek crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. "So........I'm leaving tomorrow," he began.

Meredith paused before responding. "I'm sure you need to get back to work. Thank you for taking time off to be here."

"Don't," Derek said tersely.

"But I have to thank you. You've been so kind and unselfish."

"Stop, Mer," he said, pleading with her, "Please don't. I didn't come here for thanks. I came to tell you that I'm leaving, but I'm only a phone call away."

She said nothing but looked up at him with tears in her eyes. So Derek continued, "Even if you never call. Even though you pushed me away. Even though you won't let me be your friend..........I can't turn my back on you. I won't. So you need to know that my offer still stands."

Expecting no response, he got up and prepared to leave. Standing near the doorway and leaning against the open edge of the door, he looked back at her, "Don't underestimate yourself. You can do this."

He saw her tears begin to fall. "Steve wouldn't have wanted this to cripple you, Mer. Do it for him. He deserves that from you."

He turned and left the room before she could see his falling tears. He stood there in the hallway, leaning against a wall and rubbing his hands on his weary, welling eyes. Composing himself after giving in a bit to his grief, he started walking downstairs.

When he was halfway down, Ariella called up to him, "Thank you for being our friend," she started, "I'm sorry if I......" Derek embraced her tightly, "Shhhh.........I know. It's OK. We're copasetic."

She smiled at him and giggled. "You're a silly man, Derek."

"Yes, I am," he said grinning for the first time in a long while. "Now where's that sister of yours?"

"Out back," Ariella offered.

"Let's go find her," he said, putting his arm around the sweet girl and following her out behind the house.

He said his goodbyes and flew home to Seattle.

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Back home, life for Derek returned to normal. He had ranted on more than one Saturday night with Jen about how frustrated he was that Meredith had frozen him out after all these years. We were closer when she was married to him, for God's sake! Jen let him rant. She knew he understood why Meredith had pushed him away so hard, and nothing she could have said would have helped him anyway.

Derek called Trent every few days and sometimes talked with Jenna, too. He often asked to speak with Meredith when he called, but she never talked to him. Derek could hear the excuses in Trent's voice, and it hurt to know that she couldn't even talk to him on the phone to reassure him that she was fine.

He e-mailed her about things having to do with Trent, and the only replies he received were strictly about their son. He sent a few cards to encourage her and let her know that she wasn't alone, but he got no reply. Not that he'd expected one. He understood that grief took time. He wasn't asking for much. He was just looking for some confirmation that they were still friends no matter what. He just wasn't so sure anymore.

About five months later, Derek's cell phone rang one evening as he was leaving the hospital. He recognized the number and picked up cheerfully, expecting his son on the line. But his steps came to a halt when he heard Meredith's voice on the line. She was upset.

After explaining that she and Trent had had an argument, she asked Derek for his help. She wanted him to talk to Trent and tell him that he was too young to be so serious with Allison. Derek listened to her complaints that Trent was too young and that he hadn't really dated anyone else. Once Meredith grew quiet, he responded. "Meredith, telling him to stop isn't going to work. They've been together for years. He told me he loved her two years ago. He's been serious about her for a long time. What if she's the one for him?"

"He's so young. He needs more time to be a college kid........."

"Mer..........," he began.

She cut him off. She could not handle him talking about how young she was when she met him. And she knew that's what he was thinking, "Just talk to him, OK?" she said, trying to sound angry and frustrated instead of fragile and worried.

"OK," Derek said, "Mer, is everything else OK?"

"I...........Sorry. I just can't. Thanks for talking to him, Derek," she said before hanging up the phone.

He had heard the guilt and the pain in her voice. He knew she was still hurting and that she was purposefully isolating and punishing herself. He knew that telling her to stop and just talk to him would be pointless. But it still hurt him and frustrated him very deeply. Yet upset as he was, he knew it was impossible for him to hate her or to stop trying to get her to open up. It's just that he had so few opportunities to try anymore. And that made him the most sad of all.