I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 71

I have unintentionally muddied the waters a bit in this fic over time. I don't think I write Mer well, so I don't do her POV as often. And I think that my stories are sometimes either vague or inconsistent because of it.

All that to say that Meredith always loved Derek. She loved him first and losing him nearly killed her. Her love for Steve was like a new layer added on top. Both loves were real.

This update will either help or hurt your understanding of how she feels. It was meant to help, but I fear it falls short. I'll keep working on that Mer POV stuff because you guys deserve the whole picture.......and I do so very much adore your comments!!





Derek left. He went back to his hotel room. He didn't know what else to do. He got it. He didn't belong there with Meredith and her family. But it still hurt that she didn't let him help. Screw what should be! He was doing all he could to be there for her! He'd honestly put aside his feelings for her to be her friend.

He knew that she knew that. She knew how hard that had been for him—how impossibly hard it was to do. Yet he had done it........for her. He'd do anything for her......... Despite the fact that she couldn't or wouldn't give much back.

Derek wasn't a martyr, and he wasn't delusional. Part of him already wanted this to be their chance. He knew that those thoughts were bordering on sick and twisted, but it was honest. But he knew it was too soon, so he really couldn't think about that yet.

Even frustrated with Meredith, he got it. He knew why she had pushed him away. Not that knowing made it any easier. He knew that she was miserable. She loved Steve. He'd made peace with that fact long ago. But she lost him, and her kids lost their father.

The loss was bad enough on its own, but it was the guilt that was ripping her apart. Guilt about him. So now he'd have to feel guilty about that, too. Despite the fact that he had denied everything he'd ever wanted just to secure her happiness, he still had to bear the guilt that his mere presence was a burden for her. Sometimes life wasn't bearable......He wondered why he was around......except to be tortured.


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Meredith was in mourning. But even as sad and lonely and miserable as Steve's death made her, what finished her off—what she could not stop thinking about, obsessing about—was the look on Derek's face when she told him to leave. She had crushed him by sending him away. He was only trying to help, to be her friend, and she kicked him in the stomach. She inflicted more pain and damage and heartbreak on him. She felt so much guilt, but she had been unable to stop from hurting him again when he in no way deserved it--when he had loved her despite countless hurts and disappointments. She'd never forgive herself for what she had just done to him.

But she couldn't face him, look at him, have him cry for her. It was too much--the irony and the sadness and the fact that she felt overwhelming guilt whenever she looked at him. It was unbearable.

Guilt for still loving Derek.
Guilt for ever giving up on him.
Guilt for his missing Trent's childhood.
Guilt for staying with Steve.
Guilt for making Steve feel like he was her second choice.
Guilt for not telling him about Derek so long ago.
Guilt for telling herself that it was OK to love two people.
Guilt for not being able to give all of her heart to the husband who loved her so much.
Guilt for sometimes wishing she'd never agreed to marry him.
Guilt for thinking of anyone except Steve now that she had lost him.
Guilt for failing everyone she'd ever loved.
Guilt for becoming the disease her mother had called her.
And now guilt for doing the unforgivable to hurt Derek on top of all that.

Even now as a truly grieving widow, more of her guilt was about Derek than about Steve. She had short changed them both. She felt nothing but guilt, and she didn't even want it to stop. She deserved all of it and more.