I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 42

Ahem..........Puffs Alert............

 

"What kind of medicine?" Derek said, trying to break the tension in the room.

"Surgery," Meredith said.

"Really?" he asked. "Great. What kind?"

"Neuro," she said matter-of-factly.

"No freaking way," he said as they both grinned.

"Steve chose cardio. He chose wrong." They both chuckled and nodded.

Not sure what she wanted the answer to be, Meredith finally asked, "So.......what about you? Have you.....have you been married?"

"No," he said.

"Are you dating or living with someone?"

"Not at the moment. I love my job. I have good friends. I just......I just haven't met the right one yet." He looked up at her, and she saw the lie shining in his eyes.

"Well, you deserve someone wonderful, Derek. I hope you find that."

He nodded. He couldn't tell her that he'd never even look. She didn't need that guilt.

"Wow. It's weird, right? Waiting eleven years and then finally getting to talk?"

"Yeah."

"I'm so glad you came, Derek."

"Me, too."

"When do you go home to Seattle?"

"In three days."

"Me, too. To Chicago, I mean. Actually, I leave day after tomorrow."

"Do you need any help with anything?" Derek asked, praying for a reason to spend more time with her.

"Not much. I just need to box some stuff up."

"I can help do that," Derek said. "Let's go pack." He pulled her to her feet and they picked up the quilt and carried it back to the car.



**********



Meredith and Derek spent the day together. She packed up items for shipment back to Chicago. At one point that afternoon, Derek saw her kneeling and going through a drawer of what were "their" things--the mementos she had kept from the years that they dated.

"What's that?" Derek asked from across the room. "Just stuff," Meredith answered as he carried a box out of the room. But when he returned, Meredith was crying.


I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?



"Mer, what's wrong?" he held her and noticed that she was clutching something tightly. He would later learn that it was a plastic apron from the lobster dinner they splurged on for their first dating anniversary. Something so silly, yet it held such wonderful memories.



And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.


Derek held her as she cried. He patted her hair gently and kissed her temple, but mostly he just wrapped his arms around her and let her cry.



I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.



"I wish.....," Meredith started.

"Don't," Derek whispered.

"But Derek, you've told me so much. I need to say things to you."

"No," he said as he held her tightly.

"Please, you're not being fair to me."

"Don't."

"Why? What about my need for closure? All the guilt. All the pain I've borne all this time. If I tell you, at least I'll know that you know."

"I know.....," he said softly, closing his eyes to hide the tears that were pooling.

"How can I be sure?" Meredith asked.

"I know all I need to know," he said as they clung to each other.

"But Derek......"



You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.


"Mer. I'm begging you. Don't. I.....I can't take it if you say too much. I.....I won't be able to let you leave day after tomorrow. And I have to leave. No matter what we wish could have happened."

Meredith looked up at him uncertainly. It was a look of frustration and fear but of overwhelming love.



I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.


"Please, Mer. I have to be strong enough to let you go. Don't make it harder," he asked as his own tears fell freely.

Seeing how fragile he was, Meredith realized that she was more than willing hold on to any guilt or pain that still plagued her. He didn't need any more. He couldn't handle much more. "OK," she whispered.

"OK."


And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.



Later in the evening, Derek looked at Meredith eagerly. "Let's get out of here tomorrow. Drive to the Cape or something. Live IN DENIAL a while. Just be two friends out catching up. We can talk neuro or swap med school stories. Something safe. Something happy. OK?"

"OK."

That night, they went out to dinner at a casual restaurant. They had a nice evening out. It was just like old times except that it wasn't. After they drove home, they went for a walk along the street. They kept talking, ever at ease and enjoying each other's company. At the top of the stairs, they said goodnight. In their respective rooms, Derek called Jen, and Meredith called Steve.

Once again, Derek slept soundly, and Meredith was the insomniac. When she snuck into her mother's room this time, she found that he had already laid back the sheets so that she could climb in. Smiling at how well he knew her and full of more love for him than she dreamed possible, she snuggled against him and fell quickly into a peaceful sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After another awkward experience waking up together as they shouldn't, Meredith and Derek had a lazy breakfast and just hung out. It was just too comfortable hiding out and spending time together in their own little world. In the early afternoon, they finally decided to get ready and do something productive. They scattered to separate showers. That was part of the problem. They each knew the other was in the shower. As if they needed any mental images of the other naked so nearby. Suffice it to say that there was more mental steam in each shower than the showers themselves produced. Derek finally turned his shower cold.....he was done.

A little while later, Derek toweled off and started to dry his hair. A minute or two into his girly hair routine, Derek's hairdryer broke and would not restart. Not happy with the results of the towel drying, he decided to borrow Meredith's hairdryer. Throwing on a pair of jeans and hanging the towel around his neck to prevent his dripping hair from leaving him soaked, Derek strode across the hall and fell into their old routine without even realizing it. He knocked quickly and walked in. It was what he did in days gone by.....kind of like a habit.

"Hey, Mer?" Derek said, "can I.....?" As Derek stopped speaking abruptly, the only sound in the room was a sharp intake of breath from each person.

Had Derek not been so stunned, he'd have wanted to turn back time and take it back--not open that door. But he'd done it, and his soul was now in jeopardy.

"Oh, God.....," he moaned from the spot where he stood. Their eyes had met as he entered the room, and they stood there locked in a steamy stare.

Meredith was standing across the room clad only in a towel. She had been using another towel to dry her hair when Derek walked in and literally bowled her over. She gasped at the sight of him. His chest was bare. His chest was still strong and firm. She'd always loved the sight of him clad only in jeans. And knowing that he was fresh from the shower, Mer would have bet that was all that he was wearing. And that incredible hair was no less amazing now. There were droplets of water on his shoulders.....and that hair......

Derek's heart was hammering in his chest. Leave. Turn and leave. Turn around. Go back across the hall. His mind was practically screaming at him.

But he didn't listen. "Mer," he said, his voice shaky and low.