I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 38

As Meredith wolfed down the last of her sandwich in her eagerness to talk to him, she turned to Derek still chewing her food and mumbled, "I want to know everything. Spill."

Derek smiled and stood slowly. He walked over to where she sat on the bed and gently wiped a bit of mustard away from the corner of her mouth with the pad of his thumb.

Meredith looked at him gratefully, and then her eyes betrayed the many thoughts that were racing through her mind at that moment.

"That's a long story, Mer. And it's just......there's too much water under the bridge or whatever. The past doesn't matter. Not really. I just wanted to see you and know that you are happy," Derek said, his tender words charged with powerful emotion.

"So you won't stay and talk to me? I've missed you so much," she said taking his hand, "It's been so long....."

"I'd love nothing more than to spend time with you, Mer. I just didn't want to be presumptuous—with the funeral and everything you must have on your plate right now."

"Derek Michael Shepherd," Meredith said in full mom-mode. "Do you really think I wouldn't clear my calendar to see you......to talk to you? Don't you know how much I........?" Her words trailed off abruptly, the implications of saying them given the circumstances too much for either of them to bear. Tears sprang to her eyes. She stood and turned to face the window, hiding the fact that those tears were now overflowing.

Derek willed himself not to cross the room and take her in his arms. "Mer, I didn't want to hurt you or cause you pain. Not just to make myself feel better. It's OK. It doesn't matter what happened. I know that you are happy. It's all I wanted. All I've ever wanted."

Meredith turned to face him with an expression that told of guilt and longing and love. "I need that, too. I need to know that you're OK. That you're happy. That......." The guilt of leaving him and moving on hit her full force. She choked back sobs, failing miserably. He couldn't stand it any longer. He crossed the room and put his arms around her. They clung to each other and cried silent tears, but they were calmer because of the close physical contact. Derek thought his heart would burst with love for her. Meredith leaned against him, feeling the comfort only he could provide.

"Shhh.....don't cry. Please don't cry. I never wanted to upset you. Please, Mer," he said, hugging her more tightly.

"Tell me you'll stay. We need to talk. So much has happened," she said, guilt dripping from her voice, "Please say you'll stay."

"Do you have time? It's a long story......" Derek said tenderly.

"I'll make time," she said smiling up at him.

"OK," he whispered.

"OK," she whispered back, holding onto him as tightly as possible. They stood there letting themselves feel the warmth and the love and the memories that their embrace delivered.


********


"We should probably send Carson home," Meredith said a few minutes later. "I'll be right back.

"No. Let me, please?" Derek asked. "OK," Meredith said, wondering why he wanted to talk to her cousin alone. "I'll be right back," he said smiling back at her over his shoulder with that smile that could drive her to her knees. "Promise?" she whispered. "Promise," he said, his smile no less bright as another measure of swirling emotion touched his heart at her request.

Derek made his way downstairs quickly and found Carson in the kitchen. "Hey," he said softly. "Hey," she said looking up at him.

"Listen. I know you don't know me, but I want you to know that you can trust me. I was ready to leave, but she wants to talk about what happened. It may take a while. I know she's vulnerable. I know you want to protect her. I do, too. I think we need to do this—talk about it all. And we'll both cry and be sad. And I do still love her. But I know she's married. I saw her with her family. I respect that too much. I'll hug her and hold her......I can't help that when she cries, but I won't make her break her vows. I'd hate myself if that happened."

Carson nodded at him in understanding. "I've never seen two people look at each other the way you two do. I believe you. You want to do the right thing. But I'm not sure I trust Meredith to hold back. She's the one I worry about."

"I won't let her. I love her that much and more. I'll leave if that's what it takes."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Carson took a deep breath and then smiled at him, "OK. Let me go talk to her."

Derek stayed in the kitchen. Alone time with Meredith. This was more than he'd ever hoped for. It was beyond his wildest dreams. It would be hard, but he couldn't leave if she wanted him to stay. God.....how will I do this?

His thoughts were interrupted when the women walked back into the kitchen arm-in-arm. Meredith's eyes lit up when she saw him, "Carson's going to go home now."

"OK," Derek said, "Nice to meet you."

"You, too," Carson said as she and Meredith pivoted and headed for the front door. Derek followed a few paces behind them. When they reached the door, Carson turned to look at them. They made such an attractive couple. They looked utterly comfortable together. "We'll behave.....we're adults......stop worrying," Meredith said to her cousin when she looked at her questioningly. "Just go already." And with that they said their goodbyes.

After seeing Carson off, the two walked back inside. "So.......," Meredith began. "We're finally alone......."