I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 93

"So......," he whispered. "What now?"


Meredith said nothing, but she took his hand and led him to her room. Inside, she dropped his hand and walked across the bedroom. She stood by the window and closed her eyes, apparently lost in thought.

"Mer?" Derek asked, thinking that she was upset or that she needed some time or something else was wrong.

"Hold me, Derek," she whispered as she looked over at him with true adoration on her face.

He rushed to enfold her in his arms and whispered, "Always," in response.

He took her hand and led her to a comfortable chair in the corner of the room, sitting down and pulling her into his lap. She snuggled tightly against him, and he held her close. They sat there quietly for a while.

"Derek?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure you're OK? I mean, aren't you angry with me, frustrated that we wasted so much time, furious that I invited Jim to the wedding? Be honest."

"I'm not angry with you, Mer. I've never been able to stay angry with you for long. I was pretty upset earlier. But none of that matters now," he murmured in a soothing voice as he ran his fingers gently through her hair.

"But you've been so patient and wonderful.......I've done nothing but hurt you," she insisted, guilt dripping from her voice.

"Meredith, that's our past. It's over. We can be happy now. Finally, we can be happy--together."

He leaned down and kissed her tenderly. Surprising him, she stood up and paced around a bit. "It's just eating at me. The guilt. The waste. My selfishness. I've been so unfair to you."

"You really need to talk about this now, don't you?" he asked, smiling at her tenderly.

"Yes," she said quietly before climbing back onto his lap and into his arms.

He leaned down and kissed her, a quick, but searing kiss, before planting a few strategic kisses on her neck. With his lips purposefully grazing her earlobe, he whispered, "That is not what I'd imagined you wanted to do when you brought me to your bedroom."

"You always have had a one-track mind," she said, smiling and pretending to scoff at his suggestion.

"Yeah," he said, sighing a bit, "All I've ever thought about was you."

"That's just it, Derek. I went off and had this.....other life........other children..........another man.......And you.......you...........missed out on that........you waited for me........And I seem more upset about it than you do!"

Derek just looked at her intently. He said nothing in response. She continued, "Tell me how you really felt. I missed you and ached for you and loved you as much as ever, but I only lost you........You lost so much more."

He sat thinking for a while, trying to decide what to say. They'd need weeks to hash it all out properly. He knew they had plenty of time for that. So he opted for the things he didn't think she'd be able to figure out on her own.

"When I lost my memory, I had your picture. I knew that you were important to me, and I kept your photo near my heart. But I couldn't remember you. And then I came home and remembered everything and....just when I remembered you, I lost you--and Mark--it was.......crippling. I was broken and lonely and miserable. And guilty."

"Guilty?" she asked, not sure what he meant.

"Guilty for dragging Mark to South America, guilty for what happened to him there, guilty for ever leaving you, guilty for not proposing to you before I went back, guilty for not just running away and marrying you. And guilty for not remembering you sooner. Any of those things could have changed things between us. We wouldn't have lost each other. You wouldn't have moved away and moved on. It wasn't all your fault."

"Derek........," she said, her words full of emotion.

"Shhh......you asked. I'm talking."

She nodded and he helped her stand up while he paced a bit as he continued.

"The rest is pretty obvious.......I found out you were married........and then I found you and Trent.......and I was just happy that you could be happy and I was a father. I always had hope, but I made peace with the situation. I knew that Steve's loss was hard. I knew you needed time. I hated the fact that his death gave me a little more hope. But it did. I just never let myself get my hopes up too much. It was the only way I could protect myself from any more pain. Until Trent's graduation. And that kiss........." he said, turning his back to her, knowing that he'd have trouble being honest with her about the rest of his story.

Meredith walked over and looked up at him with so many emotions apparent in her expression. She took his hands and held them as he spoke.

"I lost the ability to protect my heart with that kiss. I gave you everything, I handed you my heart, and I got my hopes up. And when Trent told me you had another date, it broke my heart. Seeing you with Jim was.....horrible. There just aren't words.......If you hadn't stopped me out on that balcony........that would have been it. I'd reached my limit. I'd.........," he said, with tears filling his eyes, "I'd have made myself get over you."

"Oh, Derek. I am so very sorry. There aren't enough ways for me to say it. I don't deserve you. How will I ever prove that I love you enough? I haven't waited like you did. I still loved you, but I moved on and let other things get in the way. And I let you get hurt—over and over again. How will I ever make it up to you?" she clung to him as if the answers were in their embrace.

He reached out and wiped away her tears, looking deeply into her eyes. Through his own tears, he said softly, "You heal me. Loving you has always healed me."

They held each other tightly and let their tears fall. They didn't even realize that somewhere along the way they had resumed the gentle sway of their evening's dance.

Smiling down at her, he said seriously, "Mer. If I'm not angry and upset, then you can't be either. We've both gone through dark and terrible times. Now it's time to be happy.......Just let it go and let me love you........."

Meredith looked up at him with an intensity that rocked him even more. "Love me......."

"Forever," he whispered huskily.

"Kiss me.......," she said, eyeing his lips methodically.

"Til my dying breath," he moaned as his lips crashed against hers.