I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 68

Yes, Steve is gone. Blood clot after surgery or something similar to Denny's passing. Quick, not painful, nothing they could do. I think that call he made to Mer was part coincidence/part him giving her permission to move on. He just felt a pressing need to tell her he wanted only her happiness.

I think the only catch is that she already was happy. I know she wasn't with Derek, but that was just life's cruelty to her--she loved her family and truly made the best of her marriage and life with Steve. And was happy.

And now...........she's broken.





Derek had arrived just in time to hear Decker call it. Time of death: 10:31 p.m. A pronouncement had never sounded so ominous. This is awful. Horrrible.

He had to leave. He just couldn't be here. Not when Meredith.........

He went down to the garden behind the hospital and sat on a bench with his head in his hands. He never wanted this. He wanted Meredith. He'd always wanted Meredith. But he never hated Steve. Not really. He'd never wished him dead. He had been so good to Trent and to Meredith.

Poor Meredith. And Jenna and Ariella. And poor Trent. He could not imagine what this would do to all of them. As much as he wanted to be there to help comfort them, he knew he couldn't be. Not now. Not yet. Oh, Mer.......... His heart broke for her.



**********



About an hour later, Trent called him, "Dad........" It was obvious that he had been crying.

"I'm so sorry. I'm downstairs. Come down," Derek said, his heart breaking for his son.

When Trent walked off the elevator, Derek ran to him and pulled him close. He held his son as he cried. "I'm so sorry........Shhhh.........," he repeated over and over. "He loved you. He knew you loved him."

"But..........," Trent began, fearing that he'd been horribly unfair to his stepfather and that the man might not have known how much he loved him.

"It's OK," Derek said, pulling back to look his son in the eye and let him know that everything would be OK. Then he pulled him close again and hugged him tightly. Trent calmed down a bit. Derek stood to the side and threw his arm around his son's shoulder, noticing how it wouldn't be much longer until he had to reach up to do that. "How are the girls? Your mom?" he asked sadly.

"They're all really upset. Mom.........Mom won't leave him. She won't let them..............," he started tearing up again.

"Let's go upstairs," Derek said. "You take the girls home. I'll..........I'll bring your mom home later. When she's ready."

"But won't that be too hard for you? Being there? Seeing her grieve?"

Derek looked at Trent intently, "I'm her friend. First and foremost, I've always been her friend. She needs a friend right now. That's all she needs."

"OK."


Derek and Trent arrived upstairs to find the girls in the hallway, crying hysterically. Jenna rushed into Derek's arms. "Shhh..........Poor Jenna. I'm so sorry," he whispered as he tried to hug away some of her grief. He looked over at Ariella as he spoke to them both. "Your mom needs you girls right now. Try to be strong for her. It's OK to be upset, but she's upset enough herself right now."

Ariella nodded knowingly at him, and Trent put his arms around her. Derek nudged Jenna toward Trent's embrace. "I'm so very sorry," he said, looking at all of them sympathetically, "go home and try to rest. I'll bring her home to you when she's ready." He watched as the three siblings leaned on each other as they walked down the hallway. This was all so horribly sad.

Uncertain, but knowing he'd be the only person who could convince Meredith to go home, Derek pushed the door to Steve's room open.

Before he could step inside, Meredith barked, "Get out!" at whoever was trying to come inside.

"Meredith," he said softly as he stepped inside and took in the view of her broken soul, and that's the moment when she completely broke down.

I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
This day would come
Now all I'm feeling
Is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside

"Oh, Mer........I am so sorry.........," he said as he rushed across the room to hug her tightly. She sobbed afresh, seemingly unable to stop or unwilling to try. It was truly heartbreaking. She was broken. "He was so good. He can't be gone. I loved him...........I still love him........."

"I know," Derek whispered as he held her tightly. She still held onto Steve's hand. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to let go.

I'll always be thankful
For the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
But I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
Stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

Meredith kept staring at Steve, holding his hand, stroking his arm or his face, mentally running back through the years. He had never left her. And she could never have left him. They were each other's strongest supporters. They communicated well—better than any other couple they knew. Their lives were completely intertwined, and they made sense. They were happy. They shared friendship, parenthood, love, passion, tears, occupations—everything. They hardly ever fought, and when they did, Steve was always the first to offer her the olive branch—he was putty in her hands and he didn't even pretend that he wouldn't give in or grovel or spoil her just to make her happy and just to end the disagreement. And he made her laugh. And he stopped to pick flowers for her or bought her bouquets for no reason even after all these years. They had such a happy life. It couldn't be over. It just couldn't be.

She knew Derek was the one she was leaning on, and she was so grateful for his presence. But it was as if he was willing her to lean only upon their friendship. Otherwise, she couldn't have stood the irony and significance of his presence at this time of saying farewell to the husband she loved so dearly.

But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

"Missing You" by Jem

NOTE: Please don't think this note means that I take my own writing too seriously or anything, but I thought it was interesting that Mer could have been hearing the lyrics for Steve at the same time Derek was hearing them for her.......parallel lives in a totally different way. Different losses--equal pain. And of course, were the circumstances different, Mer could have also heard the lyrics for Derek--just not at this moment. Her heart is broken for Steve. Yes, McDreamSteam, it really is. Just go with it, would ya!!