I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 69

A little while later, Roger came back into the room, "What the hell?" He said as he strode up and grabbed Derek's arm. But Derek just yanked it back and glared at him, never leaving Meredith's side.

Gently placing Meredith back down so that she was sitting on the edge of the bed, he whispered to her, "Stay here, I'll be right back," before he walked out into the hallway.

Roger followed him angrily. "Get the hell out of here. You are not wanted!" he said, putting his face up into Derek's.

"You're angry with ME?" Derek said with a sneer. "He was YOUR patient. You lost him. Not me."

Decker looked as if he had been punched. Derek had just voiced his worst fears, his worst nightmare. Finally recovering enough to fight back, he started, "Leave her to grieve."

"I am helping her grieve. I am her friend. She needs her kids and her friends right now," Derek said to the man who thought he only was there to woo Mer and win her back.

"You are disgusting!" Roger said, "Making a move.........."

Derek pushed the surgeon up against the wall using his open palm. His other arm moved back instinctively, as if to prepare to swing forward and punch the man. "I am her friend. I am a shoulder for her to cry on. Nothing more," Derek said through clenched teeth.

"Yeah, right," Roger said, venom dripping from his sarcastic words.

"I don't have time right now to kick your ass," Derek said, standing a little taller as if to emphasize his advantage. "My friend needs a ride home."

"And you're just the person to "take her for a ride," aren't you?" Decker sneered.

"Get out of my sight before I change my mind and beat you senseless. I don't owe you an explanation. And if you ever touch me again, the only surgery you'll be fit for is your own."

Derek pushed himself back harshly and glared at Decker until he turned and walked away.

*********


Derek took a deep breath to calm himself before going back into the room to check on Meredith. He understood how Decker would get the wrong idea. The wrong idea was bouncing around in his head nonstop. But he couldn't act on it. He loved Meredith too much to put her through that. And he didn't need someone who didn't know him trying to push him around when his nerves and emotions were already so strung out.

"Mer," he said, walking over and putting his hand on her arm. She had climbed into bed with Steve, just lying there beside him and wishing this whole nightmare away. "You have to say goodbye. You need to go home. Your kids need you there."

"I can't leave him," she said miserably. She looked at Derek with an expression that nearly sent him to his knees. The pain in her eyes was debilitating. "I could never leave him." He knew she was telling him that she never would have left Steve. He'd always known, but hearing it from her still wasn't at all easy.

"You're not leaving him, Meredith. You're going to take care of your family. He wouldn't want you to stay here like this."

"He was my family. How can I just leave him here?" she said sobbing again.

"I know. I'm so sorry," he whispered as he rubbed her arm gently. "I'll give you a few minutes with him. Then I'll drive you home, OK?"

Meredith just nodded sadly.

"Mer, you can do this," Derek said encouragingly.

"OK," she whispered to him.

Derek left the room and sat staring at the bad art in the waiting room down the hall. Half an hour later, he knocked on the door to Steve's room before going back in. She was sitting on the bed still holding Steve's hand. He could tell that she'd already said her goodbye.

Derek took her other hand and said tenderly, "Let me take you home."

She stood on wobbly legs and turned to face him, nodding in agreement. Derek walked her to into the hallway and helped her into a waiting wheelchair. He would have had to hold her or carry her out of the building if she had walked. There was no way should could have made it out on her own because she was so weak and broken. This way, he could help her without any touching or obvious affection. These were Meredith's co-workers—and Steve's. Decker had been the only one to be anything but nice and apparently grateful that there was someone to handle the horrid task of helping Meredith face her raw grief, but Derek had to be sensitive to appearances since Meredith was in no shape to even consider them right then.



****


As promised, Derek drove Meredith home. The entire trip, she sat staring out the window looking miserable. He ached to ease her pain, but he knew that wasn't possible. After helping her inside, he went into the kitchen to make a few sandwiches while Meredith sat on the sofa with her kids and cried. He knew nobody would eat, but he felt the need to do something productive, something to give the family privacy while giving him an excuse to stay at little longer.



***********



After Meredith had sent the kids to bed, Derek helped her upstairs, too. When they reached the door to her bedroom, Meredith stopped walking abruptly. Derek looked over at her, and she shook her head as she spoke. "I can't. Not yet. I'm not ready."


I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream

Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die



Derek understood. She just couldn't sleep in their bedroom without Steve yet. It was too soon. Instead, they turned and walked down the hallway to the guest room. Meredith had never changed out of the pajamas she was wearing when Steve had called, so Derek just pulled back the covers and helped her climb into bed. The flash of memory that crossed her mind at that moment had her sobbing again intensely as soon as she lay back in the bed.

His resolve and restraint crumbling after seeing her so grief-stricken for so long, Derek couldn't just walk out and leave. So he walked around the bed and climbed atop it, scooting over to hold her supportively. She leaned against him and cried for hours. He had always been the most amazing source of comfort and strength for her, and she reacted to the power of that healing comfort automatically.



And I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
Want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side


Continuation of "Missing You" by Jem