I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 34

Later that afternoon, Derek was lounging on the sofa and flipping through the channels on the TV, trying not to think about attending the funeral and seeing Meredith. "Hey," he heard Nancy say as she walked into the room. "Hey," he said back shifting into a sitting position. Nancy walked over and gave him a hug. "Good to see you," she said softly. "You, too," Derek responded. Nancy sat down on the sofa next to Derek. Neither of them spoke for a while. Then Nancy broke the silence.

"Derek, please don't go," she said desperately.

"Nancy," he said, trying to be patient, "I have a lot on my mind. Let's don't have this conversation."

"But Derek......"

"Look. I know you mean well. But I'm going. End of story."

"Please don't....."

"Nancy....." he said, agitation obvious in his voice.

"Derek, I'm begging. Don't go."

Derek stood up and glared at her. "Fine! You want to do this! I'm sitting here going out of my mind. I'm going to see the only woman I've ever loved after more than ten years! I'm scared. I'm stressed. I appreciate your concern, but I don't need to deal with your flip out right now!

To his surpise, Nancy started crying. Nancy never cried. He remembered her crying at their mother's funeral, but he couldn't remember another time in recent memory that he'd seen her shed tears.

"Please, Derek. Don't go......"

"Forgive me if I'm being rude, but why are you so upset?"

"I worry about you. This will only hurt you. I don't want you to be hurt anymore."

"I'm a big boy."

"But Derek....."

"Look. I know I can't have her. She's married with kids. I get that. It stinks, but I love her too much to expect more than a hug and some conversation. I can live with that. I need that......"

"I think you're underestimating how hard it will be."

"I know what I'm doing, Nancy."

"Why? Why put yourself through that?"

"Because I need to see her again. I still love her, Nance. I always will. I have to do this—see that she's OK and happy. I'll be fine.

Nancy sat there and cried with her head in her hands. Derek was really frustrated. "OK. You're selfish, but this really beats all. What the hell is wrong?"

"What can I say to stop you from going?"

"Nothing."

"Please?"

"Nancy. Just go home."

"Derek......."

"I am going. Leave me alone about it."

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"You're really going?

"Absolutely."

Nancy sat looking miserable, and then she raised her hand to her mouth. After sitting there a few minutes, she reachedd into her bag. Pulling her hand out, she gave an envelope to Derek.

"What's this?"

Nancy said nothing. Derek turned the envelope over and opened it. Puzzled, he looked inside. He reached in and pulled out a bundle. As reality sank in, he glared at his sister.

"No......."

"Derek.......let me explain."

"You'd better explain. Right now."

"I was trying to protect you......"

"From what?" Derek was actively pacing now. "Happiness? Peace? The love of my life?"

"No. Pain. Heartbreak."

"How long have you had these?" he asked angrily, his disgust for her completely evident.

"Since the kidnapping," Nancy said, hanging her head.

"And you're just now giving them to me?" Derek said, raising his voice.

Nancy nodded and wouldn't look up at him.

"What else are you keeping from me?" he demanded in a voice that made her blood run cold. Nancy looked up at him and realized that her brother would never forgive her for what she had done.

"She called and came by all the time. It upset Mom too much. After a while, I told her to stop coming. She didn't, but she made sure not to see Mom because she didn't want to cause her any more pain."

"Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?"

Nancy took a deep breath before responding. "She was pregnant, Derek. And she seemed so desperate. And her mother said it wasn't yours. And I was just trying to protect you."

"YOU HAD NO RIGHT!" Derek yelled at her.

"I know, I'm sorry," Nancy said sobbing. "I'm so sorry."

"Uncle Derek?" Kelly said, running out of her room. "Go finish your homework, Kelly."

"But I heard yelling......"

"Not now, Kelly. I'll come talk to you later, OK?" Derek said.

The little girl still looked worried, but she obeyed Derek.

Derek paced around the room, his mind racing. Then he stopped abruptly and walked right up in front of his sister. "When was the last time you saw Meredith?"

Nancy gulped and looked away.

"Tell me, dammit!" Derek grunted through gritted teeth.

"November after you came home in June," Nancy said as she watched her brother turn his back and cross the room. He slumped into a chair and looked as if he were going to have a breakdown. Nancy raced over to talk to him.

"You were just starting to heal and get your memory back. I wasn't sure how much more you could take......."

"What did she say?"

Nancy bit her lip and swallowed hard. She knew this would kill him.

"She asked if we'd heard anything. She said she needed to know if you were OK. She said that she'd never believe that you were dead. She tole me she loved you."

"What did you tell her?"

At that moment, Derek's cell phone rang. He picked up. "Hi, Jen. What a great time for you to call. I'm having this bizarre conversation with my sister. Let me put you on speakerphone."

"Derek," Jen asked. "Are you OK? You sound upset."

"Upset? Why would I be upset? Nancy just handed me a stack of letters Meredith had written to me. She hid them from me for years. Now we know why she didn't want me to see Meredith. She didn't want me to find out what a lying, deceitful bitch she really is!"

"Derek," Jen said strongly, "take me off speakerphone. Leave the room and talk to me. You don't want to do this."

"No. I want you to hear this. Cause if I've ever needed therapy, this would be the reason why. Go ahead, Nancy. Tell us what you said to Meredith when you saw her AFTER I returned home from Ecuador."

Nancy could hardly speak she was crying so hard. But she knew she had to rid herself of the secrets that had poisoned her life.

"I told her to move on and stop coming by. I told her that the Corps wasn't looking for you anymore."

Jen inhaled sharply and Nancy put her hand on Derek's arm, but he shrugged it away roughly.

"Derek," Nancy began.

"Shut the hell up, Nancy. Get away from me."

"But......"

"You cost me the love of my life. You were selfish and controlling and lied to the woman I love. You don't get to talk to me anymore."

Jen tried to interject, "Derek. Don't say anymore. Talk to me about this. You're too upset. Don't......"

"Derek, we're family......," Nancy pleaded with him.

"No," he said, venom dripping from his voice. 'Jen is my family. That frightened little girl upstairs is my family. Meredith,' he said, tears springing to his eyes at the mention of his lost love, 'even after all these years, she's my family. You...... You are not my family. You are no longer part of my life. Not anymore."

With that, Derek grabbed the bundle of letters and his cell phone and headed upstairs. His breathing was heavy. Jen's heart broke as she heard a door slam and then he started to whimper and then collapsed into the saddest sobs she had ever heard

After a while Jen heard Derek's sobs subside. He was still breathing heavy, but he was quiet otherwise. "Derek?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah," he said sniffling. He'd forgotten that Jen was on speakerphone.

"Do you need me to come to Boston?"

"No," he said sadly. "I'm OK."

"You're not OK," Jen said honestly.

"No, I'm not," he admitted.

"Is Lauren there?" Jen asked hoping that someone who could hug him was nearby.

"No, she'll be home soon," Derek said, exhaustion clear in his voice.

"Want me to call her?" Jen offered. Derek smiled an ironic smile, "No. Nancy will tell her everything." Then his face contorted with grief and anger, "It's so unfair. So evil. So heartless."

"Yes."

"I hate her," he said frankly.

"Me, too," Jen agreed.

"We could have been together all this time........," Derek began before his emotions choked off everything he wanted to say.

"I'm so sorry," was all Jen could offer.

"Yeah," Derek said as he ran his fingers through his now wildly unruly hair, "Me, too. Thanks, Jen."

"Call me back, OK? If you don't, I'll get on a plane," Jen threatened gently.

"OK," Derek said softly.

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"You can get through this, Derek," Jen said encouragingly. She didn't know how, but she hoped her words were true.

"I don't know. It's too much," he said as he started crying again.

"She loved you, Derek. She probably still loves you. Read her letters. It will help. She never stopped loving you," Jen stated, hoping that focusing on that knowledge would give him a little boost.

"Jen?"

"Yeah."

"Should I even go? She thinks I'm dead. I thought that she left me.....that I was the only one who still had anything to get over. This......if I go to the funeral......this might be too hard for her."

Jen took a deep breath. She knew that Derek would never forgive himself if he didn't go through with seeing Meredith at the funeral.

"Put yourself in her shoes, Derek. "If you had moved on and now had a family because you thought that she was dead, would you still want to see her?"

Derek thought seriously for a moment before responding, "Yeah."

"Then go," Jen nudged him, "She'll be glad you did."

"Jen?"

"What do I do with all of this hate and anger and fury I feel toward Nancy?"

"Ignore it for now. There'll be time to deal with that later. You've got more pressing things to deal with."

"Jen?"

"Yeah."

"You're an angel."

"I know. Derek?"

"Yeah."

"You are, too. Call me about anything.....anytime, OK?"

"OK. Thanks again."