I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 85

Would it help if I told you this is about as bad as it gets? I think....

Before Derek was ready for it, the two men were walking out to stand in front of the assembled crowd. Derek didn't have to look hard to find Jen. She had found a spot right down front on the groom's side—just behind the family and directly in Derek's line of vision. As they walked out and found their places, Jen sat making faces and grinning at Derek. Derek couldn't help smiling at her mischief.

Trent leaned over to his father. "She has it bad for you," he whispered.

"Yeah," Derek agreed, knowing that was not the case, but unwilling to admit it publicly. Glancing over at his son, Derek shook himself mentally and emotionally. He was here as a father and best man. Today was all about Trent. His son was getting married. He'd just focus on that. This was one of those days that made memories you just couldn't recapture if you missed them. So Derek determined then and there not to miss a moment of his son's special day. That was what really mattered.

He was fine with that plan until Justin, Trent's best friend, walked Meredith down the aisle. Derek had forgotten about the special part of the wedding ceremony meant for seating the mother of the groom and then the mother of the bride.


And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to


As Meredith and Justin entered the room, Derek's eyes landed on her and he was completely lost. He looked straight at Meredith, and the rest of the room disappeared for him. She was a vision. He'd never seen her look lovelier--more than a bit nervous and emotional--but simply beautiful. Wearing a long lavender dress that made her look young and beautiful--not at all a frumpy mom of the groom.

She smiled at Trent lovingly. Then her gaze drifted to Derek, and she met his eyes with an adoring gaze of her own. A wordless question with breathless answers flew back and forth between them the entire length of the aisle. Neither would or could look away. Neither would or could breathe. They were so caught up in that gaze that the irony of the fact that she was walking down an aisle toward him at a wedding all these years later was lost on both of them.



But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now



As Justin handed Meredith over to Jim at her seat, Meredith's gaze was unwillingly ripped away, and her eyes instantly filled with tears. Jim embraced her and kissed her cheek, putting his arm around her as they sat.

Derek's whole life had been like this. Watching her walk into another man's arms. He was done. This was too much. He didn't know how much more he could take. He couldn't swear what that intense look from Meredith meant, but he couldn't guarantee it would be his salvation. And more than anything, he needed some sort of reassurance as he lost his grip on the hope that had steadied him all these years.



Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe


Derek found Jen's caring expression and smiled at her desperately. She nodded and gave him a thumbs-up. He tried to breathe.


woah breathe, just breathe,



Meredith sat staring at the Kleenex in her hands. All she had wanted to do was to continue up front and walk right up to Derek and tell him how she still felt about him. She wanted to tell him how many hundreds of times she had picked up the phone and even dialed most of his phone number to ask him to come to the wedding with her, but she knew that wouldn't matter now. And that wouldn't be fair to him. He was there, looking so earnestly at the woman who was his date. He had someone new to lean on, to share things with. That look they had just shared was just him being overly generous as only Derek could, responding to the emotions on her face. He'd still do anything for her. Even though he'd moved on.

She told herself to just look down and to forget that he was up there, dressed in that tuxedo and looking better than she'd ever seen him look. She told herself to remember the way his eyes had sparkled as she walked down that aisle toward him. Just remember that. Pretend he still feels something real for you. Don't look up and let yourself see that it was all an illusion. Why had she blown her last chance?

Looking up in spite of herself and seeing that face she'd always adored, it seemed ridiculous now that she'd ever let herself be afraid of him. He was her.......everything. And he had put his heart out there for her. And she'd been too chicken to reach out to meet him at all—much less halfway. How she wished she could turn back time and tell him, confess what had always been in her heart.

Derek told himself to look at Jen. He told himself to focus on Trent and Allison and the lovely ceremony unfolding before him. Everyone was in the right place, and everything was going perfectly. Allison looked beautiful in her floor-length ivory gown, and Trent had nearly keeled over when she had entered the room. It wasn't as if Derek weren't listening or paying attention, but it was as if half his brain and all of his heart were rebelling. Against all hope and better judgment, he found himself staring straight at Meredith as Trent and Allison pledged their undying love for one another. Their sweet, sentimental, heartfelt vows could have been words Derek and Meredith would have pledged at the wedding they dreamed of but that never happened so many years ago. After tearing himself away from the look that was killing what was left of his heart, Derek reached up to wipe a tear that fell, and he noticed that Meredith was crying, too. So much regret. So many dreams shattered.



Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.



Despite all her fears and all the pain it might have caused her, Meredith found herself unable to stop looking straight at Derek throughout the ceremony. She said each word of those vows in her heart, and she tried to let him know that she meant them for him, but she knew he was past seeing that from her at this point. Why would he? He wasn't stupid. She'd had so many chances that she didn't deserve more. And she was way past blaming him for moving on with his life. She was the stupid one. She'd run away too many times. Karma was having its way with her this weekend, and she'd just have to stand there and let it beat the crap out of her. There'd be time to fall apart later. She just had to survive the reception.

On their way back down the aisle as the newly-pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Trent Shepherd, Trent stopped and gave his mother a huge hug. "I love you, Mom. Don't worry. You'll never lose me." She kissed his cheek and squeezed Allison's hand tightly. Their faces were full of love and hope and happiness. She was grateful that they had found all three. And at least that sentimental gesture gave her a reason to be shedding the tears that would not stop falling for reasons hidden deep within her heart.

Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick