I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 28

After another long, painful silence, Jen nudged him again. "Tell me, Derek. Tell me what happened to bring you here so upset."

"She died....."






"Meredith died?" Jen asked in complete horror.

"No......her mom........," Derek said sadly.

Finally able to breathe again, Jen exhaled slowly. She reached over and took Derek's hand. "So this has been really hard for you."

"Yeah," he said clearly miserable. After a while, he continued telling Jen the important missing pieces of his story. She had learned so much of it when she helped him face his other big life losses, but he'd always carefully carved out any details related to Meredith.

"Once I was back home, I took a job at a local bar. Just something to help pay the bills. And being a bartender helped me listen to other people's problems and forget about my own. My memories still hadn't come back. My family had told me lots of details—although they conveniently skipped any mention of Meredith.......or of Mark. I suppose they meant well. They didn't want to cause me any more sadness. One day, I was taking a break at work. I grabbed a Coke from the fountain and went around to sit at the bar to make sure it was obvious that I was not on duty since I needed a break. The bar was fairly empty, so my boss didn't mind. Anyway, I plopped down on the bar stool and picked my glass up, and the entire world simply stopped spinning. My memories came crashing back. I was speechless. I was immobile. I was dying from the whirlwind of happy memories that flooded my brain and then by the loss.......I had a million questions. I had to find out where Meredith was. And I couldn't remember when I'd last seen Mark. I had no idea why he hadn't come by the house. What if he'd been kidnapped.......or worse?

I sat there in absolute terror. My boss ran over and asked why I was so pale and if I needed the evening off. I nodded and muttered something about feeling sick and needing the time off, but I couldn't move. He looked at me funny and asked if he needed to call me a ride, but I shook my head letting him know that he didn't have to do that. And that's exactly when it hit me.

I was sitting on the barstool—the one I'd been on the night I met Meredith. I was working at that bar—the one where we'd met. And I hadn't even known it. The bar had changed ownership and staff, so nobody remembered me from my college days. But fate had brought me to the place where my life changed forever. And that same magical barstool brought all my memories flooding back. I couldn't get up for fear that I'd lose everything that had just come flooding back to me.

While I was thrilled to remember my family and details about my life, I was absolutely horrified not knowing what had happened to the two most important people in my life. Needing to calm down and to relish the memories that were still bombarding my brain, I sat there all afternoon. I had one glass of Scotch, but I didn't want to forget anything so I quit after one drink. After losing so many memories for so long, I never wanted to forget again.

Late in the evening, I finally felt calm enough to drive myself home. I went straight to my mother's room and woke her up with the news that my memory was back. I held her as she wept and rocked her gently as I rattled off memories that I knew would make her happy. And my own heart broke in the meantime. Remembering her as she once had been, it was now clear to me that she was a changed woman after my disappearance. The pain and the stress and the thought that she had lost me had aged her and taken a toll on her health.

I needed to just be there and bring her as much comfort as possible. As desperate as I was for answers, I knew my questions would just have to wait.'

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"Over the next several days, my mother and Nancy filled in details of what had happened since the kidnapping. As you know, I took the story of Mark's loss pretty hard. As soon as I'd heard all of the details and stopped crying long enough, I rushed over to his parents' house to tell them how sorry I was. We'd never been close, but I wanted them to know that I was mourning with them. They wouldn't even let me inside. They told me that they blamed me. It had been my idea to join the Peace Corps. So it was my fault that they had lost their son. I'm sure it was just their pain talking. I can't say that I might not feel the same way in a similar situation. But it hurt to be blamed. Because I was already blaming myself enough for what had happened to Mark. Someone else's judgment just made me feel worse.

But we've been over all of that already. Mark was my brother. He would have forgiven me. He wouldn't have even been angry with me. I've been able to grieve his loss and move on. Not that it was easy and not that I still don't miss him everyday. But I've dealt with that. I wish you had been there when it all happened, Jen. I spent too many years torn up about Mark. It's been wonderful to let the painful part go and to just cling to the happy memories. I feel as if part of him is with me, anyway. I can hear what he would have said echoing in my mind still when things happen.

But Meredith......I don't think I can ever let go of Meredith....."

Derek sat for a while just looking at his feet. Jen knew in that instant that she loved him. Yes, for a while, she'd convinced herself that it was romantic love. She was as physically attracted to him as ever, and his eyes still captivated her, but she now realized that she loved him more as one loves family or best friends. She realized that she had not realized how deeply she admired him for the person he was. She was ever amazed by how he'd dealt with the pain and the loss in his life. He still wasn't bitter and withdrawn. He wasn't spiteful or self-centered. He was just trudging along through the misery in his life and doing the best he could. She was proud of him. And she was frightened of the pain and loss he had not even told her about yet. He was probably the strongest person she knew......what he'd already lost might have killed a weaker man.

Derek swallowed hard and continued. "You know most of this, but you don't know the parts about Meredith. I joined the Peace Corps for a year and went to South America with Mark. Meredith started her senior year of college. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Life was good.

Meredith and I wrote letters to each other every day. I received her letters in bundles every week or so, but I read them one day at a time to stretch out the joy of reading about her everyday life. Sometimes I cheated and read every one of them as soon as I received them and then read them again one at a time. She was doing well in school. I'd sit and fantasize about our lives once we were both working in the same hospital. And I'd fall asleep clutching her letters that told me how much she missed me. My letters to her were the ramblings of a man in love. I'm sure she giggled at how sappy they were, but I didn't care. Missing her was like missing part of my soul.

Halfway through our year with the Corps, Mark and I came home on leave. I swear the plane flew faster because I wished it home. I remember trying to focus on talking to Mark as we stood in the airport waiting for our bags, but I was out of my mind with anticipation. Six months of missing Meredith was nearly too much for me to take. I was scanning the crowds frantically for her. I didn't think I could wait any longer.

And then she appeared. I saw her across the crowded room. We made our way to each other quickly, and I'll never forget how wonderful that first kiss felt. I'm not one for flaunting public affection, but I truly didn't care who saw us. I was holding and kissing and touching my Meredith. And nothing else in the whole world mattered. Mer's the one who finally convinced me to look for my luggage and say goodbye to Mark. I'd forgotten all about the fact that I'd offered him a ride home.

My arm around Meredith's shoulder so tightly that she fit me like a glove, I led her toward him and suggested that we could give him a ride home. He declined, and I normally would have dragged him along with us anyway. But I couldn't. I had to be with Meredith. The distance and the longing were too much. So we waved goodbye to him and made our way out to her car, hugging and kissing and whispering "I love you" every step of the way.

Once we loaded my things in the trunk, I pushed her up against the car and kissed her so desperately that he both had tears in our eyes as well as an overwhelming need to come up for oxygen. I offered to drive, and Mer teased me about whether I remembered how. I joked about how I was older and had been driving for many more years, but I was a bit rusty. I rememebered how to drive, but six months without doing so left me feeling the need to be careful. I held her hand as we wound the car through the streets. Her mother was away at a medical convention, so we headed to her house for some quality time. We were parked at a traffic light when she leaned over and told me she loved me more now than when I left. We kissed and stopped only when the line cars with honking horns reminded us that we had not parked the car.

Part of my brain remembered Mark joking about how we wouldn't make it all the way home. We didn't. I pulled over in a secluded area and parked the car, simultaneously reaching over and pulling her into my lap. I honestly thought my heart would explode. I'd never felt it race like that before. We made love urgently, promising to be more gentle and loving later after we melded our bodies together. As our bodies crashed together and we satisfied our cravings for each other, I held her tightly and promised her that I'd love her and want her that much if I lived to be 100 years old. She giggled and made some wisecrack about how we'd be breaking our bones if we had sex in a car at that age. We laughed the dreamy laughs of lovers reunited as we held each other tightly.

We went back to her mother's house and rekindled our passion. We had literally picked up right where we left off. We both wanted physical closeness and murmurs of love and affection. And we spent the next 24 hours sharing those things over and over again.

I spent the days with my family while Mer went to class. Then I'd pick her up, and we'd spent the nights discovering new heights of physical pleasure. I remember holding her for hours as she slept, promising God that I'd be a good husband. I knew how lucky I was to have her and I swore oaths never to hurt her and always to treasure her for the beautiful woman she was.

My mom and my sisters wanted more of my time, but I couldn't do it. I tried my best to spend as much time with them as I could, but I knew I had to spend every minute possible with Meredith in order to live through the next six months. My mom tried to get me to stay at home that last night."

"Mom," Derek began. "Can we please not have this conversation?"

"We miss you so much, Derek."

"And I miss you, too. I really do. I just.....," he began softly. "It's my last night with Meredith before I leave."

"We're your family. We love you."

"She's my family, too. I'm going to ask her to marry me when I get back. I went out this afternoon and bought a ring."

Derek's mother looked up at him with surprise, followed closely by love and affection. "My baby wants to get married. What happened to that little boy who asked if he could marry his Mama."

"You'll always be my first love, Mom. Loving Mer doesn't make me love you any less. I just.....I want what you and Dad had. I want her to be my family, too."

His mother stared into his eyes carefully, "I recognize that look. That's the same look your father had on his face when he asked me to marry him. I know she's the one. I love her, too. Hug your mama again and then go tell Mer how much you love her."

Derek squeezed his mother tightly and pulled back to look into her eyes. "Thanks, Mom. I love you so much."

Mrs. Shepherd watched her son quietly as he packed the last of his things and turned to bound out the door. "Derek?"

Derek turned back to look at his mother. She smiled at him through her tears, "You'll always be my baby, but I'm so proud of the man you've become. I love you so much."

"Love you, Mom! See you in six months!" He raced back in and gave her a quick hug and kiss. He waved again back over his shoulder as he raced out the door. His mother collapsed in a chair and cried from happiness and the worry of missing him for another six months.