I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 26

Later that night, Derek sat in the room Nancy had told him was his. He had left his duffel bag on the floor and explored the room, searching for flashes or glimpses of his former life. He wasn't too surprised to see that he'd been a decorated soccer player, but he was a little stunned by all of the baseball trophies and equipment decorating his personal space. There were also a number of academic ribbons and plaques hung neatly around the room. Well, he supposed, a kid headed for medical school had to be smart enough to win a few accolades. The room felt comfortable. The comforter was dark blue—the color of the sky just before midnight. He loved the sky when it was that deep and dark and pure. So he supposed that indigo was his favorite color.

There were a few family photos placed on the bureau and on his bookshelves. He thought their placement was a bit artificial. He would have arranged them differently. Perhaps a few additional photos—maybe pictures of the woman he knew he had loved—had been removed. They were protecting him. He wasn't sure he wanted to know from what.

After exploring the room in excruciating detail, he had no memories to claim. But he knew this was his room and these were his things. The room smelled familiar and comforted him. So, not knowing what else to do, he had kicked off his shoes and stripped off his clothing. Clad only in boxers and a t-shirt, he pulled back the covers and slipped into bed. Staring at the walls and the ceiling, he longed for exhaustion to take over and make him sleep. But his mind was racing with flashes of the people who had welcomed him home that night. And his brain and his heart were also fighting to cling to the memories he'd recalled of the person who hadn't been there that night.

Knowing he'd never fall asleep if he didn't just face the mystery head on, Derek leaned over and reached down to pull the photos from his shirt pocket. He stared so hard at the images that he felt that he was ripping them to shreds. He searched his mind and his heart for the feelings of betrayal and pain that those images should have brought. But the emotions were not there. Maybe he should just dwell on the happy memory he had found and the comfort that the photo always brought to him. Did he really want to know? He wasn't sure he could handle knowing what made Nancy's expression turn so dark and painful.

As he stared at the photograph that captured the woman he'd remembered in intimate detail, he got a strong feeling. She wouldn't betray him. Her eyes told him that she wouldn't do that. He could trust her. He knew that..........if nothing else.

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Back to present day:


Jen just sat there waiting for him to say something else.

"You asked me who I loved when we argued a few months ago," he said sadly. "Her name is Meredith."

"Oh.....," was all Jen could say.

Derek started talking as he continued to stare at his shoes. "I haven't seen her or spoken to her in years........."


As he had been telling Jen the story of returning home and remembering Meredith and being so upset that she hadn't been there when he returned home, Derek had sat down on the sofa. Jen sat very still and tried not to express any emotion. She'd always been surprised that Derek was as sane as he was given all he'd been through. This, the fact that he'd also lost a woman he still loved after all these years—and this thing that had happened to bring him to her door talking finally talking about that woman—Jen was afraid that it could be the thing that finally tore him apart. She was dying to ask him when he remembered and how much he remembered about this Meredith, but she knew better than to interrupt him.

Derek was rambling, but he was too completely wrapped up in his memories and his pain to notice.

"I remember the day I met Meredith.......," he began with a dreamy, lovelorn expression on his face. "I was finishing college. Mark talked me into going out to a bar one night. That was rare for me. I was the focused, studious one. But I let him drag me out with him. And I was fully prepared for our "going out" routine. I'd have a few drinks at the bar while Mark hooked up and left with a girl, and then I'd go home and watch a ballgame or a movie or finish my studying.

Well this night was different. Mark hooked up immediately and left me stranded, but I wasn't upset about that. Because I met this girl--this incredible girl. She was a rising freshman and I knew instinctively that she'd gotten in with a fake ID. She was young—maybe not even eighteen, but she was gorgeous. And I was amazed by how this tiny little woman was throwing back tequila shots. She flirted with me wildly and at one point she kissed me so crazily at the bar that I was telling myself that Mark wouldn't be the only one getting lucky that night. But it wasn't just lust. She had a laugh that literally made my heart stop, and when she smiled at me little lights flickered in her eyes. I was mesmerized by her from the moment I met her.

But then the tequila kicked in and she was obviously drunk. She wasn't able to get home by herself. The bartender gave me a look that told me this was a frequent occurrence, and he handed me a slip of paper that had her address on it. So I took her home. She fell asleep leaning against me as I unlocked the door. I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. She clung to me in her sleep, mumbling for me to stay with her. She was so beautiful and so vulnerable that I ended up staying with her. I lay on her bed for a long time just watching her sleep. And I think that's when I fell in love with her."

As Derek sat there with his memories, Jen had to ask, "Did she......feel the same way?"

"Eventually," Derek smiled, "not at first. But I was persistent. Whenever I could, I was always there at the bar to sit with her and take her home. I was her knight in shining whatever, in my mind at least."

"Were you intimate?" Jen asked, by this time forgetting to just let the story unfold.

"No. She'd slept with so many guys. I really loved her. I didn't want to be just another one of those guys. God.......how I wanted her. I wanted her like I'd never wanted anyone else before. But I held back for a long time."

"Because you loved her.......," Jen said knowing that's why he had refrained from sex with this girl.

"Yeah," he said in response.

"When I wasn't there at the bar she slept with other guys."

Jen was surprised that he mentioned that less than flattering detail. "It hurt, but I knew it was just sex. She was so vulnerable and lonely and sad. I wanted to be the only man touching her, but I couldn't help forgiving her when she got drunk and took random guys home with her. Of course, I just made sure that I was there as many nights as I could be so that I could be the one to take her home and hold her. She'd had a hard life. Her mom was always working or yelling about how much she disapproved of her and her father was a distant memory. Guys just slept with her and moved on after the thrill of the chase was over. They were young guys and she was drunk and an easy target. So they used her and moved on. She didn't know how to trust and love and count on someone. So I put up with the other men and I didn't sleep with her--I just wanted her to feel loved.

Slowly, I won her heart. We went on real dates. There was much less tequila. She finally let herself fall for me, too. It was hard for her to trust me, but she did. Not having sex was killing both of us by this time, but it seemed the thing to do. She needed love without sex--in spite of the lack of sex. So we just kissed each other senseless, held each other for hours, stared breathlessly into each other's eyes for long periods of time, and did everything but have sex. I gave her all the romance and love I could muster. Surprising myself, I thought of millions of romantic things to do since sex wasn't an option. You'd have been impressed by how romantic a sex-starved young man I was back then," he said looking over at Jen with a proud grin.

"We waited until my last year of medical school—her last year of college—to have sex. I still can't believe we lasted that long. On our three-year dating anniversary, I took her for a long weekend on Martha's Vineyard. We borrowed a friend's parents' cottage for the weekend. We both knew what would happen while we were there. And we were delirious with the anticipation.

We drove out to Hyannisport and took the ferry to the island. I fell in love with ferry boats on that trip. When we arrived, we stopped to buy groceries. Meredith flirted with me shamelessly all through the store, and she nearly made me lose my mind when we were unpacking everything at the cottage. She kept making suggestive comments and dirty jokes and flirting with me......well, I'll spare you some of the details," he said, blushing at the memories as he looked over at Jen.

"She was wearing me down, but I was determined to stick to my plan to make the whole trip absolutely perfect and romantic, so we went for a walk on the beach and watched the sunset. Then we walked back to the cottage to shower and get dressed for dinner. I showered first and dressed quickly as she took her turn. I waited out on the widow's walk and enjoyed the beautiful view and the cool night air.

I remember hearing the doorknob click, and I turned around to see her standing there in the moonlight. She was a vision.........the sparkle in her eyes literally took my breath away. I was done. I had no idea how wonderful if felt to be utterly in love with someone and to have that love returned. Not until that very moment.

I splurged on dinner that first night at The Chart House in Edgartown. The view from the restaurant was truly amazing, but I had a hard time focusing on it. I completely embarrassed Meredith with the way I kept gazing at her. I just couldn't make myself stop. I don't remember what I ate or how good the wine was. I managed those things, but I was totally focused on her. I was in deep. I was madly in love with her. I was high on her. I kept noticing so many little things about her that I loved. And they all drove me crazy with love and desire for her. And despite the enormity of my feelings and the reality of them hitting me full force, I wasn't frightened or hesitant at all. I was completely invested in being whatever she needed me to be. I wanted to make all her dreams come true. I wanted her to feel for me a fraction of what I felt for her.

And I told her all those things when we got back to the cottage. We grabbed another bottle of unnecessary wine and drank it on the widow's walk. I poured my heart and soul out to her—no longer willing to hold back in order not to pressure her or fence her in. And she confessed that she felt the same way. And we'd never been happier.

We kissed each other senseless. Then she surprised me by excusing herself for a moment. I remember standing there feeling as if part of me were missing. I absolutely ached to have her back in my arms. I spun around and moved toward her when she opened the door again. And I was greeted by her wearing the most lovely lingerie I'd ever seen.

I won't overshare the details of what we did to and for each other next, but I have to tell you that the rest of that night was amazing—completely life-altering in the very best of ways."

Derek sat quietly as he walked back through every detail of that first night with Meredith in his mind. Jen was speechless from how vivid his memories were and by how emotional he was talking about them after all these years. She tried to decide if she knew any other man who loved a woman that much. She couldn't think of one. She just hoped that one day she'd find that kind of romance in her own life.

Derek seemed to reach the end of his memories of that evening. He looked over at Jen with a devilish grin, "Of course, once we started making love......we couldn't stop. It's probably a good thing we waited. I think we'd have both flunked out of school if we hadn't."

Jen noticed how truly happy Derek looked. She was saddened to realize that he hadn't been truly happy since that time. Not since he was with Meredith. Her heart broke for all the happiness he had found and then lost.