I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 79

After Derek left her house, Meredith fell apart. Guilt. She was overtaken by overwhelming, paralyzing guilt. On top of all the other guilt she was already hauling around by the truckload, now she had to add the guilt of not chasing him down as he left and screwing him in the front yard if that's what it took to make him stay. Why hadn't she run after him? God knows she wanted to. Wanted him. Needed him. Craved more of that kiss, those lips, his hands all over her. The way she felt when she was in his arms. The touch of his skin, his strong body. The way he looked into her soul. The way she could see into his.

She shivered now just thinking about where they could have gone if only she hadn't been too petrified to make any move toward him. All day long she had been more than tempted to take his hand or kiss his cheek or whisper to him how much she missed him. Yet she had been unable to do any of those things. Her still-desperate love for him, combined with the guilt she felt for making such a mess of their lives left her unable to do what she most wanted.

So yet again, he was left making the move, taking the risk, professing his undying love only to be met with silence from her. She always failed him. He deserved someone who wouldn't fail him. She couldn't bear the thought of giving him hope only to crush him again. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could love him and protect him and make him happy. She'd never done that—well not since before the Peace Corps. She was afraid that love wouldn't be enough.

And she'd rather be alone than to hurt Derek again. She just couldn't do that.


***********



After dwelling on Derek's leaving for most of the night, Meredith's mind swung back around full circle. Derek had been so patient, and he was still willing to wait for her—after all these years. He even brought Steve up at graduation to help her deal with missing him. The man was perfect. He deserved perfection, and she fell so short of that.

Steve had never done anything but love her, and he died. She had lost everyone she had ever loved—first Derek, then Trent, even her mom. Now she was losing Trent. And the girls would be next. Then she really would be alone. She deserved to be alone since she hurt everyone who ever loved her. As she lay there sobbing, the phone rang. Meredith picked up on the fourth ring and tried to pretend that she wasn't miserable.

The person on the other end saw through her ruse and asked her if she need him to come over. All she could mutter was, "Please." As she hung up and waited for him to arrive, she had only one thought on her mind:








I wish he were Derek.





*************



About a month after Derek returned to Seattle, he called Jen on her cell. She could hear him beaming across town.

"Hey," he said happily.

"Hey," she responded.

"Guess what?" he asked her happily.

"No clue. Just tell me," was her retort.

"I don't have to wait a year," he said, eager for her response.

"You don't?" she asked hopefully.

"Remember that sad news about Gayle, Allison's mom?" he said, no longer sounding so cheerful.

"Yeah. Is it bad?"

"Yeah. Lung cancer. She never smoked. It's so sad. Anyway, you know I'm heartbroken for her. Only silver lining in that terribly sad story is that they decided to move the wedding up so that she can be there and enjoy it. The surgery they're proposing will take her out of commission for a long time if she survives it."

"Wow. Sad, but sweet of them to plan things for her. And convenient for you, my kissing freak of a friend," she giggled.

"Yeah," he said. "The wedding will be in early October. Only a few months away."

"Wow. That's great, Derek. I hope you two will have some great quality time together."

"Me, too. Guess what else?"

"Aren't you full of announcements today, Dr. Shepherd!"

"I'm the best man. Trent asked me to be his best man."

"You are the best man, Derek. You really are."