I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 45

The next morning, Derek woke up alone. He could smell her scent lingering there, so he knew that she had actually been there with him. He rolled over and sighed. Despite the hell that lay before him, he was surprisingly calm and only moderately miserable. He knew that was subject to change at any moment, but he decided to take advantage of the break from debilitating pain and sadness to start his day. He showered and smiled when he toweled off and noticed that Meredith had left her hair dryer there on the vanity for him to use. Better safe than sorry, he supposed. No chance of repeating yesterday's trainwreck. He dried his hair, dressed quickly, and packed his belongings in his bag.

Before he left the room, he tidied up. Then he slung his bag over his shoulder and reached to turn the doorknob, pausing to give himself a little pep talk. This is it. She's leaving today. You have to do this.

When he arrived downstairs, he left his bag by the door and walked to the kitchen. Meredith had made breakfast for them and waited to eat with him. They sat and ate in silence, neither of them brave enough to risk opening their mouths and unleashing the emotions they held trapped within.

After eating, they worked silently, Meredith cleaned the kitchen and Derek took out the trash. Then he grabbed her car keys and his and took their bags out to their rental cars. Trudging back inside to face the inevitable farewell he dreaded more than anything he could imagine, Derek found Meredith sitting on the bottom stair with her head in her hands. As he entered the house, he saw her sitting their and broke the silence with a quiet, "Hey."

"Hey," she said softly, standing and looking around the house one last time before letting herself look at him. "I guess we'd better go. Let's go by Lauren's. I'll follow you there."

Initially surprised by her offer, he said, "You don't have to......" His words trailed off quickly. They both knew that Meredith was just making sure that he made it home OK. Even in his fragile state, he realized that her taking that precaution was completely logical. Could he know whether he'd be able to function once she had left? He realized that he would have to bet that he wouldn't be in shape to drive or do much of anything.

Meredith glanced over at him knowing that they were equally fragile, but she had determined to take care of him. She had decided that she could fall apart on the flight home.....and everyday thereafter.

The drive to Lauren's house was painful and quiet. Derek kept looking in his rearview mirror to make sure Meredith was still there, and his breath caught each time he saw her. She was looking at him so intently. He cursed the situation. He knew that she was only ensuring that they were actually able to leave. By allowing them no privacy, no quiet painful goodbye, she'd be able to leave and go home to her family. And as much as he knew that was going to happen, it still hurt to know that their secret intimate time was over.

Taking a deep breath as he parked his car in Lauren's driveway, Derek climbed out of the car and popped the trunk. He grabbed his bag and turned to see Meredith pulling in behind him. He waited as she got out of her car and walked up beside him. Silently, they walked up to Lauren's front porch. They stood there looking at their feet, neither knowing how to have the conversation that would help wrench them apart.

As they stood there in front of Lauren's front door, Meredith stepped forward and hugged Derek tightly. Then she pulled back to look at him. Both were standing there with unshed tears pooling.

"Thank you for finding me. Thank you for taking care of my mom. Thank you for writing the journal."

"I put it in your bag when I loaded it into your car," he said, amazed at his ability to make even that simple statement. What he could not bring himself to think about was the fact that the box he had placed in her bag also held the letters he'd written to her all those years—the ones her mother had hidden and never opened. He hadn't told Meredith that he had written to her all those years just as she had written to him. Better for her to find that out later, once they had finally parted. Her letters had brought him so much comfort, and he was certain they would again. He hoped that his would help her the same way.

"Well.....I guess this is it. I've gotta go," Meredith said to herself as much as anyone.

"You do," he said softly, tilting his head and smiling at her as best he could.

Meredith took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. God, how she loved those eyes. She had to do this. She owed him this much. "I'll miss you, Derek. I never stopped. And I'll always love you, too."

As wonderful as it was to hear her words, they struck like daggers in his heart. Meredith continued talking, hoping that over the long term, her words would be of some comfort to him.

"I'm going to tell Steve. I appreciate your making it easy for me not to have to lie to him. But I'm going to tell him that I've always loved you. I'll tell him about our relationship. I never talked about it before. I kept it.....private. And I'm going to tell him that we spent this time catching up."

"No, Meredith," Derek started.

"No. He needs to know. I won't tell him......everything," she said a blush rising to her cheek and to his, "but I have to tell him you held my hand and that we held each other.....things he can handle that let him know how we feel without making him not hate me," she choked out.

"Meredith," Derek whispered, "you don't have to....."

"Yes, Derek. I do." She looked up at him for a long while before continuing. "Because we matter. Because fate is cruel. Because I would be with you if I could. Because......."

Derek put his index finger gently upon her lips. "Please, Mer. I can't......" He couldn't tell her that he couldn't take her saying any more. But she knew. Meredith simply nodded at him. After swallowing hard and finding her waning courage, Meredith continued.

"I'll tell him we kissed. But that's all."

"But we didn't, why lie?"

"Because I need to.....," she said breathlessly as she leaned up and kissed him, whispering 'forgive me' as she did.

In the history of the world, there had never been, nor would there ever be, another kiss like the one they shared. Derek moaned as he felt her lips meet his, and that moan changed to a guttural sound as the kiss instantly deepened to the point that neither could stand unsupported. She ran her hands through his unruly hair, and his hands found their old places on her hips and back. Through that knee-buckling kiss, they communicated all the love and pain and regret they felt for each other.

Meredith hadn't slept all night. She couldn't claim this kiss was only a moment of weakness. She had known that she would do this—demand and exact a powerful kiss from the man she was leaving irretrievably broken for the second time. It was selfish. She hated that she needed this one last kiss with him so much. But it was more than that. For the most part, she was doing this for him. This removed all doubt about her feelings for him. This kiss imparted knowledge and intimacy that words simply could not express. As she ran her tongue alongside his and melted into his mouth, he knew without a doubt that her love and desire for him had never waned......would never be extinguished. He also knew that if things were different, she'd never leave him again. And he had to know how she still felt about him. She couldn't leave him without making sure he knew he wasn't the only one undone by their parting.

Slowly and painstakingly, Meredith started to pull away. The kiss was lighter, less intense, more loving. She peppered his face and neck with little kisses, and she hugged him so tightly. Derek fought it, he held her hips firmly against his and he moaned softly with her every move toward withdrawal. Clinging to her, he indulged his need to nibble on her ear in a way that would make escape impossible. Only this time it was inevitable.

Thinking only of him and his grief, Meredith pulled back and looked deeply into his eyes," My heart belongs to you, Derek. I'll always love you."

Reaching past him to open the door, Meredith grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. She kissed him ever so gently and whispered, "I have to go."
Then she left without looking back, knowing neither of them could handle it.

Derek stood there in the doorway watching her walk away, tears flowing and the shattered bits of his heart scattered like ashes in the wind.