I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 47

Meredith was greeted warmly by her family at the airport. The twins had drawn an adorable sign which read, "Welcum Home, Momy!" She hugged each of them tightly as they told her how much they'd missed her and helped her gather her luggage. Everyone chatted happily on the drive home so that hardly anyone would have noticed that Meredith was more quiet than usual. Steve noticed, however. He saw the sadness in her eyes and the slump of her shoulders. Attributing it to the loss of her mother or the grief of having lost contact with her so long ago and never reconciling, he reached over and took her hand in his. He smiled warmly at her and nodded as if to let her know that he understood.

Meredith's heart broke all over again. Here Steve was, comforting her and holding her hand when she had betrayed him in the most cruel of ways. In that moment, she hated herself intensely. She was breaking both of the men whose only crimes were that they loved her. Perhaps her mother had been right. Perhaps she spread misery and pain whereever she went. Perhaps she was poison.

Later that night after reading to the girls and tucking them in and after chatting briefly with Trent, Meredith made her way slowly to her bedroom. Steve was sitting in bed reading. He put down his book when she walked in.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she said as she went into the walk-in closet to change into pajamas.

"I unpacked for you," Steve offered, hoping that everyday conversation would get her to open up to him.

"Thanks," she said quietly. After putting on some pajamas and wishing that she could wear the ones that might still smell like Derek, the ones Steve had likely put down in the laundry room, Meredith climbed into bed. She leaned over and kissed Steve lightly before rolling over to try to sleep.

She felt the bed shift slightly, and Steve's arms wrapped around her tightly. "We missed you. I'm so glad you're home."

"Missed you, too," she murmured in her best sleepy voice.

"You're so sad. I bet I know how to take your mind off your worries," he said, whispering into her ear as his hands started roaming.

"Not tonight, OK?" she said softly. Steve exhaled a bit before pulling her into a tighter embrace. "OK, Baby."

She leaned back against him, finding comfort in the arms that always held her so tenderly. Only now the guilt was nearly unbearable. Hot tears wound their way down her cheeks.

"Shhh......it's OK.....shhhh......," Steve kept whispering to her.

Finally unable to take it anymore, Meredith wriggled out of his embrace and got up, standing briefly before sitting down and crossing her legs a few feet away from him.

"I need to talk to you," she began, unable to look him in the eye.

"What is it, Mer?"

"Um......remember that friend of mine from the funeral—the one I used to date?"

"Uh huh," Steve said as he sat up and leaned toward her, a look of fear flashing quickly in his eyes.

"OK. I need to talk, and I need you to listen. I love you. I don't want you to hate me. But I have to be honest with you. I just need to get everything out. Then we can talk, OK?"

Steve looked increasingly worried but he just nodded that she could continue.

"Readers' Digest version of a very long story. His name is Derek. He was my first love. I met him right before college. I'd always slept around and not dated seriously. But he changed all that. He was a wonderful person, and dating him made me a better person. We were inseparable--until he joined the Peace Corps. Then he came back to visit after six months and told me he was proposing to me when he came home six months later. We were so happy. We wrote to each other nearly every day. Right before he was to come home, he was kidnapped. I was devastated. They never found him or his best friend." Meredith finally took a deep breath and looked at Steve.

"I thought he was dead until I saw him in Boston. He was injured when he was kidnapped, and he had amnesia. He made his way back home and still couldn't remember anything. Once he did, we'd moved to Chicago, and he couldn't find me. I.......I had written him letters the whole time......even after we were married, Steve. Telling him about our wedding and the kids, Christmas cards, etc. Just in case he ever came back. Only his sister hid them from him. And my mom didn't tell him how to find me."

The fact that his wife had been writing to another man after they were married just would not settle into Steve's brain. That was probably a good thing. "How did he find you in Boston?" Steve asked, trying to stay calm but unable to stop from asking that question. It wasn't like Meredith to open up so much, so he didn't want to stop her while she was telling him everything.

"He was my mother's doctor in Seattle. He took care of her out there. He moved out there years ago after his mother died. My mom was admitted to the hospital one day and he was the attending on call. Weird, huh? He continued to visit her after she was sent back to the nursing home. My mom told him that she had lied to him about not knowing where I was, but she still didn't tell him how to find me. Then, when she died, she left information about the funeral and suggested that he attend. It was her way of making sure I found out he wasn't dead."

Not knowing what to say with his mind reeling from what this could mean, Steve blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "That's a really sad story, Mer. Did you......um.......talk to him?" Steve asked, dreading what was coming.

"I fainted when I saw him. I thought he was a ghost. He caught me before I hit the back patio and helped Carson take care of me. It was so good to see him.......so wonderful to find out that he was alive."

Meredith wrung her hands and chewed nervously on her lip. "Mer......," Steve began, visions of his worst nightmare running through his mind. This was going to be bad. He could tell.

"I'm so sorry, Steve. I should have told you, but I was afraid you'd come back. And I needed time with him."

Raising his voice less than he wanted, Steven asked, "Time with him? What does that mean?" Steve was dying inside, but he knew that yelling wasn't going to help her talk to him.

"We spent the last few days together. We talked about our lives. We talked about how hard it was losing each other. I.....I loved him so much, Steve. We needed........"

"What are you saying, Mer? This is scaring me."

"I kissed him, Steve. He didn't. He wouldn't have. But I..........I needed one last kiss. It was a wild, crazy, cheating kiss. And I'm sorry. I know that hurts you." Meredith looked up to see Steve taking everything in. He looked angry but not yet murderous. So she decided it best to just get it all out.

"And I......I thought about sleeping with him. I wanted to sleep with him. But I'm married to you. I treasure our marriage. I......"

"He put his hands on you......," Steve said through gritted teeth as he stood up and started pacing.

"Yes, but in a loving, supportive way. He held my hand. He......" Meredith looked away, determined not to blush thinking about Derek "not" touching her in a way that meant more than any touch ever had just so that she could face her husband. "He told me that he never stopped loving me. He told me that he knew I was married and that he was glad I had moved on and was happy. He said he only wanted my happiness. We held each other for old times' sake, but we didn't...........I couldn't........." Her mind was telling her that she would have and could have if Derek had pressed her to make love to him.

"You still love him, don't you?" Steve said, turning toward her, ice water running through his veins.

"Yes," Meredith admitted.

"Well, where does that leave us?"

Meredith got up and crossed the room to stand in front of him, "You are my husband and I love you very much. We're exactly where we've always been."

"Except that now you love another man."

"I've always loved him, Steve. I should have told you when I met you but it was too painful, too raw. It hurt too much. And I thought he was dead, so I didn't see the point."

"Why even tell me? Why tell me now? You could have just kept this little rendez-vous a secret. Are you leaving me, Mer?"

"No. I'm your wife, and I love you. I just had to be honest with you. It's not like I would go back and change what happened in Boston because we needed closure. But I felt so guilty. And you deserve the truth."

A long silence fell between them. Meredith was the one to break it.

"Are you OK? Tell me you don't hate me........"

They sat in silence for another long while. Meredith hung her head and cried silent tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Steve reached out and took her in his arms. "I could never hate you, Mer. You know that. I love you too much. This makes me very angry, but I'm glad you were honest with me. I know I can trust you. I know telling me this couldn't have been easy."

"You are so wonderful," she said, smiling up at him and placing a hand alongside his cheek.

"You give me too much credit," Steve said chuckling. "I've plotted this man's murder 15 times while we sat here."

"Steve!" Meredith said in surprise.

"Don't worry. I won't hunt him down. I'll deal with my anger for your sake. You came back to me and that's all that matters. I'd do anything for you, Meredith."

"I know," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Me, too."

They held each other a long time and eventually climbed into bed together, talking until the wee hours of the morning and then falling asleep in each other's arms.