I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 8

Jen moved over to sit beside Derek on the sofa. She was trying to be there for him as both a counselor and a friend. "Look, I know you've been hurt before. Talk to me, Derek."

"No," he said softly.

"So you have issues. We all have issues. You've talked about other hard stuff. You can get through this, too. Please, Derek, talk to me," Jen asked him sincerely.

"No."

Deciding that the soft and gentle approach wasn't working, Jen took a harder line, "Now who's a chicken."

"I'm not afraid," he said stubbornly.

Jen didn't believe it. "Liar."

Derek's eyes flashed with anger, "I'm not lying."

"You're avoiding. Same thing. Talk to me."

"No."

"What's her name?" Jen finally asked. Her question was met with complete silence.

"Derek, I'm not your shrink. But you need to deal with this."

"No."

"Come on.....it's our Saturday night.........we can talk about anything......," she took his hand as she spoke to him encouragingly, "We can face this......together."

"Jen," Derek said, taking his hand out of hers and looking the other way, "Let's talk about something else."

"You pushed, Derek. You're the one who wanted to talk about this--about how I felt when you turned me away. And then you tell me that what I feel for you isn't my imagination or loneliness or raging hormones. You said you felt something for me, too. And I'm supposed to just drop it? No. I won't."

"Then I'll leave," Derek said, getting up to do just that.

"No," Jen said as she stood up to follow him, "Don't be a coward."

Derek stopped walking, but he didn't turn around.

"Face it. Talk about it. Don't let it control your life," Jen moved closer and hugged Derek from behind. "We can get through this, Derek." Jen walked around him and saw the tears in his eyes. He looked at her with a pained expression and nearly whispered, "Don't."

"Please, Derek. Please talk to me. I can help. You need to let her go."

"No!" he finally yelled. "I can't! I don't want to! I won't!"

"Be reasonable, Derek. You can do this."

"Dammit, Jen!" he said pacing away from her.

"Derek," she pleaded, "Let me help you."

Derek lost his temper, "Can't you see? I don't want to be helped! I don't want to let her go. I can't. I won't. I'm sorry," and with that Derek left Jen's apartment.

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Derek stormed out of Jen's apartment completely angry and miserable. He threw himself into the driver's seat and screeched his tires as he sped out of the parking lot. Turning the car toward his own apartment, he looked in the rear-view mirror as if looking at what was behind him would provide any answers or any relief from the pain that was overtaking him.


Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love


Regularly glancing in the rear-view mirror, Derek found himself mired in a pit of "what if's." He'd had a hard life. There was no denying that fact. But he was tough, and he wasn't one to wallow about things. Despite all of the crappy stuff he'd endured, he'd persevered. Yet here he sat, alone and driving home for more alone-ness.

He was a talented attending neurosurgeon at a hospital where, despite his youth, he was already respected for his skills and his ability to teach. He was successful. They were grooming him for head of neuro—he could feel it in his bones. He'd get there fast. So fast that the department head would retire early just to hand over the reins to him.

He was well respected and accomplished, and while he wasn't quite happy, he wasn't miserable either. At one point in his past, he was completely miserable to the depths of his soul. Back then, he was completely broken, but not anymore. Most days, he could function..........he could find some level of happiness without her........

Derek stopped himself right there. He refused to let his mind dwell on "her" loss. He couldn't handle dwelling on her for any length of time.........not and stay sane..........not without hurting like hell. So he focused instead on the loss of his Jen. One more tragic loss on top of all the others. And this one really hurt. He might not have been 'in love' with her, but he loved her. She was his best friend. How many times could one man lose his best friend?



Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love



Derek's dad died when he was only ten years old. His dad had been his first best friend. They were inseparable, and Derek looked and talked and acted just like his father. Most of it was heredity, but the rest was intentional mimicking. He wanted to be just like his father. His father was a hero because he saved lives, he was a great husband and father, he was a funny person, and he was the unanimous choice for best neighbor in the neighborhood. He taught Derek how to fish and how to play baseball and how to do long division. When his dad died, Derek's world fell apart.

His mom and his sisters doted on him, and they shared the pain of losing Dr. Shepherd, but nobody took it harder than Derek. He had to become a man too early. He was the man of the house, the rock they all leaned on. He'd eventually dealt with the sadness and the loss, but he'd never dealt with his anger. Jen helped him realize that it was OK to be angry that he was cheated out of the time with his dad. Derek had always told himself that anger wasn't an appropriate emotion to feel about that loss. It had been liberating when he finally admitted how freaking angry he'd been. He also acknowledged how angry he still was when big things happened and the first person he wanted to tell was his dad. He was angry to lose his male role model and his male companion. Boys need their dads, and Derek was cheated out of all that meant. He had been angry about it for years, and letting go of that anger had been good for him.

Chuckling to himself, he remembered how happy Jen had been for him to admit his anger. She had thought it was a huge step. She just hadn't known at the time how many other problems he was dealing with. His anger about losing his dad was only the tip of the iceberg.



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Derek made it home and pulled out his bottle of scotch. Pouring a glass and downing it too quickly, he poured another right away. Then he picked up his cell phone and called in sick the next day. He'd be sick by tomorrow..........if not sooner.

About half an hour later, Derek's cell rang. Grimacing at the caller ID, he picked up the phone anyway.

"Derek, are you OK? You're never sick."

"I'll be fine, Richard."

"Well call if you need anything, OK?"

"Thanks, chief."

Derek sat sipping his scotch with an ironic smile on his face. If I need anything. I need so many things. He sat pondering that train of thought further. I can't need any more people. They all leave or die or.......

His thoughts wandered......first to Suze......and then to Jen.........

...........or they ask too much. It's better not to need people.

He let himself remember her for just a few minutes. It amazed him how clear an image he could still conjure up. Her beauty still took his breath away. And he knew.......somehow he just knew that she had aged gracefully. She'd always be beautiful.......


Sighing as he poured another drink, his thoughts rang in his head, "I'm meant to be alone."


And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love




"Wreck Of The Day" by Anna Nalick--I wicked heart that song!!