I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 56

Late on Sunday evening, Derek and Trent arrived in Chicago. They rented a car and drove to the suburbs to the house Trent had lived in since he was five. They rang the bell and Meredith let them in. She hugged Trent tightly. "God, I've missed you. I love you so much." She meant every word she said to her son. And she had been staring at Derek over Trent's shoulders as she spoke, making her words doubly true. Blinking back tears that had never really stopped, she pulled back and looked at her son. "Did you have fun? I can't wait to hear about your weekend. Oh," she said, embarrassed to find that they had walked inside without inviting Derek in, "Derek, come in," she said motioning for him to enter.

The phone rang as Derek walked inside and closed the heavy front door. He immediately noticed that the house was warm and inviting and not overt or showy. Derek looked around, trying to imagine the life that Meredith and Trent lived there. "I'll take this upstairs, Mom. I'll be right back!" Trent said as he bounded up the stairs. Meredith hung up the telephone for him and turned to face Derek.

The silence between them was screaming all the unsaid things and unexpressed feelings and unextinguished longings they both felt. Meredith thought she would die if she didn't do something to stop her mind and her heart from racing. "So, we should probably talk about things," she said. "Why don't we go out back?"

Derek nodded and followed her out into the backyard. They sat on a bench in dusky evening. Neither of them looked at the other. They each sat facing straight ahead, talking but not looking at each other.

Derek handed Meredith an envelope. "It's some money to help with things. I know it's been years, and I haven't helped out. I can send more—I will send more every month. I want to pay for his college education. I'll pay for anything you need. He wants a cell phone and an iPod," Derek began.

Meredith looked frustrated and turned to talk to Derek but he held up a hand. "I told him I'll buy them when YOU say he's ready." Meredith nodded and looked pleased. They would be able to make this work. She and Derek kept talking about the logistics. They agreed that Trent would spend spring break and several weeks in the summer in Seattle. Derek offered to spend holidays in Chicago so that Trent wouldn't be so far from home on the holidays. Meredith got choked up when he made that generous offer. He's still thinking of me......doing things for me......

"Mer? Is it too much? We can talk about it....."

"No. It's fine," she said through her tears. Then Derek realized that her tears had nothing to do with their plans to arrange for Trent to spend time with him.



If I had a weakness
You sure found it tonite
some hidden desperation
You saw floatin in my eyes
Moments *JUST* like these baby
Wrong can feel so right
And I dont wanna go home tonite



"Mer. Nothing could ever make up for losing you. Absolutely nothing. But this is such a gift. I'm so happy I'm a dad. He's wonderful. You and Steve have done such a great job. Thanks for letting me be part of his life."

Meredith nodded through her tears. "You OK?" he asked.

"I will be."

"You have to be, you know that, right?"

"I know," she said softly.


I've held it all together
As long as I can
There's pieces of me falling
Right into your hands
And don't the lies come easy baby
When the truth *JUST* ain't worth the fight
No I, I don't wanna go home tonite



Neither Meredith nor Derek had noticed that Steve and the girls had arrived home. Trent met them at the door and told them that his mom and dad were out back talking. Trent took the girls to the basement to play. Hating himself for spying yet being unable to stop himself, Steve walked over and looked out the kitchen window.


"I read your letters this weekend," Meredith said, still not able to look at Derek.

"Oh, Mer......," he said, realizing how hard that must have been for her.

"I hate Nancy," she said.

"Me, too," he agreed.

"It was so hateful, so unfair.......," Meredith's tears began falling freely. She couldn't hold them back any longer.



So lay me down easy
And hold on tight
And tell me I'm the only one you see tonite
Lonely woman, lonely man
There's just some things only lonely understands



Derek paused. He knew that he shouldn't touch her. There were at least a thousand reasons that he shouldn't. They were at her house, and she was upset and vulnerable. But he couldn't help himself. She was crying, and he was helpless. He had to do something. Reaching around her and pausing as he mentally tried to figure out how to comfort her in a completely acceptable way, he put her arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She lay her head on his shoulder and cried.



I might be just a sinner
Who wants to be a saint
One justifies the reason
Oh, one understands the pain
And I don't know what's wrong baby
And i sure don't know what's right
But I don't wanna go home tonite



Steve had watched them talking and tried to stay calm. When he saw Derek put his arm around her, he nearly ran out back to start a fight. But he told himself that Meredith would be upset. And he tried to convince himself that Derek was just comforting her. All the while, he was filled with rage, anger, fear, love, worry, and pain all at the same time. He tried to walk away from the window, telling himself that he could allow them to talk the way they were, but he didn't have to watch that man touch Meredith. Yet he couldn't pull himself away. He was struck by the view. There, on his bench in his backyard, sat another man comforting his wife. His Meredith had loved that man first. She had a child with him first.

He couldn't be angry with her. She had done nothing wrong. And neither had Steve. He had been the one there with her to pick up the pieces when this guy wasn't.

Derek...... The name left a bitter taste in his mouth. But the thing was.....it wasn't his fault either. Well, that Boston thing was. And the way he looked at her. Steve had serious issues with the way that man looked at his wife. However, as he sat there watching a scene he wished had never happened, Steve tried to imagine how Derek felt. In the same situation, how would he react? Could he stop loving her? No. He knew he never could. He wanted to hate Derek for loving Meredith and for diluting Trent's love and affection. He wanted to hate him so much, but he really wasn't a spiteful person. And this whole thing seemed to be nobody's fault.

All Steve felt was pain and loss and worry......not hate. Not really.

Meredith dried her eyes and Derek reached over and gently pushed a strand of hair away from her face. He smiled a sad smile at her, and she nodded and stood. Without speaking, they turned and walked inside, Derek following Meredith at a distance.


So lay me down easy
And hold on tight
And tell me I'm the only one you see tonite
Lonely woman, lonely man
There's just some things only lonely understands