I Will Follow You Into the Dark

CHAPTER 37

As he stood quietly contemplating the letters he'd read the day before, Derek didn't hear the back door open. He was contentedly recounting the letters, the words of which where already committed to memory and engraved on his heart.

The sound of a startled person pulled him from his mental haven. "Oh," she said in a squeaky, surprised voice, "I didn't realize anyone was still out here."

His heart having stopped from the first syllable of that melodious voice from his past, Derek turned slowly, feeling as if time stood still and that everything were moving in slow motion.

As he turned to face her, his eyes locked onto hers, and he watched as her beautiful face moved from surprise to embarrassment to concentration to realization to amazement in only a few moments. She clasped her hand over her gaping mouth in surprise.

Swallowing hard, he took a small step forward and tilted his head in the way that she so desperately loved. As he moved, he whispered, "Meredith......"

********

The vision looked so real. She had actually conjured up an image of the man she had always loved. He looked so real........so tangible........so very much like Derek Shepherd that it was truly frightening. Too stunned to move or speak, she stared desperately, trying to memorize the way his eyes sparkled amid a few wrinkles she didn't remember and the way his hair fought so valiantly to free itself from the work he had done to style it.

She'd been fine as long as she could look at him standing there. The mirage. The man of her past and her dreams. But when he took a step forward and called her name, her heart raced wildly. This was too much. This was a cruel trick. Derek couldn't be here. Oh, my God. Derek is here!

And with that single thought on her mind, Meredith fainted where she stood.

Derek caught Meredith just before her head hit the patio.

The shock of holding her in his arms was nearly enough to send him toppling over as well. Oh.....God.....my Meredith..........she still feels like my Meredith......
As he pulled her close and looked for signs of injury, he couldn't help inhaling the essence of her. Her hair still had the wonderful aroma of lavender that had always driven him wild.



You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met


Derek willed himself to stop shaking and to lift her small body so that he could carry her inside. Turning the knob and maneuvering inside while holding her limp body, he was greeted by a woman who shrieked and then ran toward him.

"What happened to her? Who are you?" she demanded.

"She fainted. Probably the stress of the day and a lack of food. Let's get her to her room."

With that, Derek started up the stairs. He carried Meredith up with the woman following right behind. He stopped outside Meredith's bedroom door and waited for the woman to open it. She looked surprised that he knew where her bedroom was. Eyeing him carefully, she opened the door for him. He walked in and lay Meredith down gently on the bed before placing a blanket over her tenderly.

As much to reassure himself that she was OK than anything else, he checked her pupils and examined her for signs of injury or illness. Luckily, she seemed to be resting comfortably. As he finished his examination, Derek was unable to resist the urge to reach out and run his fingertip gently along her jawline. As he did so, the woman who had let him in the room cleared her throat. Derek looked up at her, and she asked again, "Who are you?"

"I'm not a stalker or a terrorist. Relax. I'm just an old friend. I think she was surprised to see me. She passed out when I said 'hello.' I didn't touch her until she fell, I swear."

"And your name is?" the woman said, looking at him suspiciously since he had avoided giving her his name twice.

"Derek. Dr. Derek Shepherd," he said, extending his hand to shake hers.

"Oh, my God! You're........the one."

Derek smiled. Tears filled his eyes as the irony of those words hit him hard. How he wished he really were "the one." At the same time, the woman stood there completely understanding why Meredith had fainted.

"You know about me?" he asked out of curiosity mixed with a little embarrassment.

"She was devastated when you were kidnapped. Never got over it. She thought you were dead," she said softly.

"Yeah," he said, gazing at the beautiful woman on the bed before him. "I didn't mean to upset her. But I just had to see her. Can I ask who you are?"

"Oh. Sorry. I'm Carson, her cousin," she said, nodding to Meredith. "Nice to meet you."

"You, too," Derek said smiling at Carson a moment before looking straight back at Meredith. "Would you mind getting some food and water for her? She'll wake up soon."

"Oh. Sure. Carson hesitated briefly. And Derek could tell she was worried about leaving Meredith alone with him.

"I know she's married. I just want to see her.....talk to her....make sure she's OK," he said, reminding himself of the limitations on his actions as much as he was telling Carson that he meant no harm.

Carson saw the way that he looked at Meredith. He wasn't even aware that he had reached down and touched Meredith's hair, noticing that it felt the same despite the fact that she wore it shorter now. It was the most amazing thing she had ever seen—the look of pure love and concern on his face.


You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met


Derek realized that Carson was still standing there. "Look. I realize that you don't know me. But I'm harmless, and I'm a doctor. I'll sit across the room, OK? I won't leave this chair."

Carson bit her lip as she thought about his offer.

"Yes, I'm still in love with her. I always will be, and I can't seem to hide that fact. I can't help it. But my intentions are honorable. I won't do anything inappropriate. I've waited eleven years to see her. I just want to talk to her, OK?"

"OK," Carson said quietly. "I'll be right back."

As Derek sat down and put a small distance between them, his mind cleared a bit. He'd always loved to watch her sleep. So he relished the opportunity to do so again. He let his eyes wander over her. She really hadn't changed that much. The years had been kind to her. Derek chuckled knowing that he wouldn't have seen any flaws if there were any. She was perfect.

As he sat there admiring her and enjoying the simple pleasure of looking at her, he blinked back tears. After all the years and the longing and the pain and the fear and the loss, he was happy. It had been worth it. Just to be with her for this short time--to watch her sleep, to hold her briefly, to sniff her hair.

He knew that would sound pathetic to anyone else, but he was satisfied. He was content. He finally got what he needed. Anything else that happened during this trip would just be a bonus.

He said a prayer of thanks for the chance he'd had. It was simply too soon for him to dwell on the fact that this was temporary and that he'd have to let her go. But he knew that he'd be OK as long as she was.

I love her so much.......


You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first

Derek was so engrossed in gazing lovingly at Meredith that he didn't hear Carson return to the room. When he heard her place the tray on the dresser, he turned to face her, the "Meredith smile" still lingering on his face.

"Wow! I wish my hubby looked at me like that," Carson said in amazement.

"I always have. She's......amazing. She simply takes my breath away," Derek said still smiling.

Carson nodded thoughtfully as she leaned against the dresser. "I brought some food for you, too," she said softly.

"Thanks," Derek said as he nodded toward Meredith, "I'll wait."

Just then, Meredith stirred. Derek froze. This was it.

Realizing how shocking this would be all over again for Meredith and seeing the look of panic on Derek's face, Carson leaned over her. "Mer. Honey?"

Meredith opened her eyes and looked at Carson excitedly, "I had the most amazing dream! After all this time, I dreamed that I saw Derek. He was so real......and he said my name.........Oh, I miss him so much......"

"Mer, honey. You're fine. Everything will be fine," Carson said soothingly, hoping to calm Meredith down briefly.

"Thanks for being here, Carson. Thanks for everything. You are so wonderful. You're my family. Outside of Chicago, you're the only family I have left. You're it," Meredith said with tears in her eyes.

"I'm still your family, Meredith," Derek said to her from his perch on the chair across the room. Meredith turned to look at the mirage that had caused her fainting spell earlier.

"Carson, I've gone crazy. Tell me you gave me sleeping meds. Or tell me we drank tequila like we used to do and then I took sleeping meds. Tell me I'm not just thinking that I see Derek everywhere."

"It's me, Mer." Meredith's hand flew to her mouth again. She was in complete shock. Until she was completely excited.

"Oh. My. God! You're really here!" she said, literally launching herself off the bed and into Derek's arms. "Oh, Derek!" she said. As they embraced, she broke down in a fit of sobs.

"Slow down," he said to his heart as well as to his patient. "Shhhh......" He held her until she calmed down and looked up at him through her tears.

"I always wanted........I hoped and prayed. Oh, my God! Derek! You're so calm and this is so........HUGE!"

"I've had days to get ready for this. I knew you'd be here," he said smiling that she was so happy to see him.

"How? When? Oh, my God!" Meredith was still flipping out. "I can't believe it," she said more tenderly, reaching up to touch his face with her fingertips. You're so very.......Derek," she said as she gazed up at him.

Derek smiled down at her, appreciating the love-filled gesture. "And you're still my Meredith," he said, leaning in to kiss her forehead. Neither was disappointed that he lingered there a bit longer than he should have.

Of course they'd forgotten that Carson was there. She knew that she should be worried. She knew she should protect Meredith while she was in such a fragile state. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. The looks and the love and the sparks exchanged between them were like nothing she'd ever witnessed. She couldn't deny them this time.

She started for the door quietly, hoping to slip outside unnoticed. Meredith saw her and tensed a bit, pulling away from Derek slightly.

"Hey," she said, "You don't have to go."

"You two need to catch up. I'll just go downstairs," Carson said as she turned to leave.

"OK. Thanks," Meredith said, smiling at her cousin gratefully.

Pulled from their blissful reverie, both Meredith and Derek became more conscious of the barriers that now lay between them.

"You're alive. And you're here," she said still amazed. "It just doesn't seem real. I want to know everything—especially why it took you so long to come back," she said trying to grimace in feigned anger at him and failing miserably. As they exchanged glances and talked, neither of them was able to stem the joy of finding each other again.

Derek was the one to break the silence that quickly fell. "Carson made sandwiches for us. Let's eat. You need food. I bet you haven't eaten all day." They ate quietly, eager to finish their meal and talk more with each other.