Devil in Your Smile

Chapter 77, The Luck You Give

HI!! It feels like it's been so long!!! Enjoyyyyy:)

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LOUIS POV

The next week felt a lot like hell for me. Well, if visiting a woman who knows about my traumatic past and her asking me to relive it over and over again until she gets all of the juicy details was a level of hell, then I would definitely be there, front and center. This is my last session for the week, and I'm glad that Harry promised to take me out to celebrate surviving it after this because with the way that this conversation is going, I'm pretty sure that I'll require about a gallon of vodka in order to feel better. "Louis, are you listening to what I'm saying?"

I look back towards Theresa, my therapist, and I give a frustrated sigh before I respond to her. "I'm listening, I just don't see how he's relevant. Damien is the one who fucked up my life, he's the one I need to-" My voice cracks in frustration or sadness, I don't really know, but I swallow and continue, "He's the one I need to move on from. Not those other sick fucks, and not the one I killed. I don't care about them, they're irrelevant! A part of the past! A shitty one, but still." I watch her push a strand of her dark hair out of her face, and she shifts in her leather chair and crosses her legs before she speaks again, tone still as patient as ever.

"It's not about how relevant they are, Louis. Consciously, you may think that they don't mean much to you, but it's your subconscious that can't tell the difference. It seems to think that there's no difference between bad and worse. That's why those men appear in your dreams, when you're not awake or conscious. Do you understand? Have you given any thought to what I suggested on Wednesday? The hypnotherapy?" I nod, picking at the hole in my jeans, "I want to try. But I want Harry here with me. Can we try today?" She shakes her head no, making my stomach drop, but then she says, "I've got a client in twenty-five minutes or so, and I'll need a lot longer than that to get you under and where you need to be. For today, let's just try and shine some light on those other men. In the dreams, can you see their faces? What are they doing?"

I take a breath and try to recall, and my eyes slip shut for a second, but they fly open soon after. "Most of the time, I can't see them. But I can feel them, I can feel their hands all over me. I think it's because when I was being... abused, I would try to keep my eyes closed, or on the ceiling or wall. When they made me keep my eyes open, I would look at Damien. I think that's why I mostly only see his face in nightmares like that. I can see one other person, but it's the man that I..." I shift in my seat, "The man that I killed when I escaped. He was new, I hadn't seen him before, but I still see him in my dreams. I still feel him, even though he didn't touch me like they did..." I leave out the part about why I only looked at Damien, when he would make me keep my eyes open and I would try and use my eyes to beg him to make it be over. I had hoped that he would see that I'm not enjoying it, see that I didn't want it, and that he'd have mercy, but he never did.

I realize that I've stopped talking, so I shake my head and continue before she can ask why I've gone quiet. "I can't remember his voice, but for some reason in my dreams he speaks to me. He sounds like Damien, and he says the same things that Damien would say."