Need You (ShinDeku)

Ch. 133 - Plank

A/N: friends and foes, it's the moment you've been waiting for. A Shinso chapter. Dw, the two will reunite soon and we'll continue to have a bit more of his point of view sprinkled in then as well.
Have fun reading!

Shinso POV:

Every time I go on a run, I'm reminded of why I don't go on runs. They're perhaps the bane of my existence, and the only remotely enjoyable part is the first thirty seconds. And that's only if you're wearing comfortable shoes, the weather is perfect, you're well-rested, and in a good mood.

I'm up bright and early in the morning before it gets too hot and sunny, but only because I couldn't sleep. It's four AM, when only the mentally unwell and scariest people of society are waking up to be productive, and all the reasonable night owls like myself are just getting to bed if they haven't already. I said bright and early, but I'm pretty sure sunrise isn't for another two hours and it's so early that I almost think a more appropriate term would be late.

The shoes I'm wearing are decidedly not running shoes, instead they're a pair of beat up old sneakers with dirty laces and soles worn down nearly to the point of holes. Not a very comfortable choice for running, but better than any of my other options because at least they're not stiff.

I am also not in a good mood, because I should be asleep right now but apparently I hate myself and so does my brain because it was resisting unconsciousness like it was the plague.

Oh yeah, another thing I hate about running? You're alone with nothing but your thoughts and the feeling of your lungs seizing. Doesn't even matter if you've got music blasting in your earbuds—which I don't because it's four AM and I don't wanna get stabbed just because I didn't hear someone following me—nothing can distract from the awful mix of pain and your deepest darkest thoughts.

But like I said, apparently I hate myself so it only makes sense I would subject myself to torture in the name of working towards my goals.

I think I was hoping it would help clear my head, but forty minutes later I'm leaning on a park bench in the next neighborhood over, sucking in air like it was running out, and still thinking about Izuku. Spending time away from him made me realize that my life had started to revolve around him. It also made me realize that I wanted it to revolve around him. Saying that was a scary thought would be a colossal understatement.

I know I'm still 'just a kid' but growing up I kind of thought that I would always be alone. I was okay with it too. I didn't have crushes like the girls in my classes gossiped about, and I never felt the desire to try to impress someone like the guys tended to. It seemed exhausting and irrational, and maybe part of it was me protecting myself because I was always safer when I was alone and didn't rely on anyone else.

I made the mistake of mentioning it to my mom one time and she told me I was just a late bloomer. It made me so irrationally upset because why couldn't she see that some people were just better off alone, and obviously there wasn't anything late about it because my hormones were working just fine.

I got over it quickly, memory shoved in a dusty box in the back of my mind because that was just more proof that I couldn't tell people anything, that I was better off relying on myself, that nobody had to understand as long as I was happy.

Now though, the memory came back. It made me upset again because maybe she was right and that was frustrating to admit. The realization felt like a betrayal to myself. Also, weirdly, to other people like me. Because I know some people are perfectly content to be alone even though society would have you believe otherwise, and falling in love feels like I'm invalidating them, like I'm showing society that no, people who say that really just haven't met the right person. Look at the proof.

How could I flip that quickly? I was so confident that I never had been and never would be into anybody- that I was going to live my life so happily and so fulfilled all on my own. I didn't need anyone else to be content, because nobody else trusted me or liked me anyways.

My future looked like a small but nice apartment that was entirely my own, decorated with my things and whatever made me happy. It looked like a cat, or two, to keep me company because I didn't get lonely like other people complained about when they were alone, but cats are still good companions and I'd want to give them a warm, happy home where they're well-fed.

     It looked like doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to worry about making plans first or working around another person's schedule or hurting someone's feelings. It looked like everything that was mine- my home, my money, my belongings, were really mine and not shared with anyone else.

     It looked like not catering to anyone else when deciding what was for dinner, like not dealing with the soul crushing fear of abandonment, like not worrying about how someone else would be viewed because they associate with someone that has a quirk like mine, like not going through a messy breakup, like not having to remember important dates, like not dedicating my life to the happiness of someone that wasn't myself.

It looked like focusing on my career and my own happiness, and it looked like not having the burden of another complicated, messy, real person by my side.

It wasn't like I was pushing away my romantic feelings either. It wasn't like I was getting upset and shoving the thoughts and feelings into a mental furnace to burn away any time I liked someone. I just didn't feel that way towards anyone to begin with. I didn't think I ever would.

So why did it all change the second someone my age treated me with anything better than ignorance? Was that really all it took? Was I that easy? Would I have fallen for anyone who treated me like a human being? Just a couple well-placed smiles and everything comes crumbling down, like I haven't painstakingly built up that image of my future brick by brick, nail by nail, fucking wood plank by wood plank. Like this little mental architectural masterpiece of mine wasn't the thing that kept me going for years.

Aizawa made it clear that the way I felt was okay, but that didn't mean I knew how to deal with the feelings I never thought I'd be capable of in my life. Somehow it was worse when I wasn't with Izuku, because I got to think about it all and wonder what to do with these emotions. When I was with him I didn't have to think about it nearly as much, because I was too wrapped up in feeling and experiencing and reacting to have time to analyze or rationalize. I thought it was bad then, but it really is a whole other ballpark when we're apart.

It also didn't help that he was a danger magnet and that we'd recently discovered that he only slept well when I was nearby. Not only was I left to spiral about my feelings when we were apart, I had to try not to worry my head off about whether he would survive being out of my line of sight for more than ten consecutive minutes. I also had to worry about waking up from a nightmare when I was able to sleep, about his fear filled face and emaciated frame and echoing screams, and about how I found him, both times, and then having to sit alone with those images and sounds in my mind without being able to see him, to feel and hear for myself that he was okay and he was safe.

The worst part was that I wasn't even the slightest bit upset with him, even though he was the reason for all of this. I was only upset with myself and the fact that maybe my mom was right. Maybe the perfect, controlled future that I'd always quietly dreamed of wasn't actually what I wanted, and instead I was actively and rapidly barreling towards a future that would be a lot more scary and uncertain.

I hadn't quite gotten my heart rate back down or my breathing under control but I started running again. Maybe if I ran hard enough the pain would finally overwhelm my thoughts, and I'd have a better excuse for the pained expression on my face.

1459 words.