Need You (ShinDeku)

Ch. 102 - Ding

A/N: feel like I say this a lot but sorry if it's difficult to follow Midoriya's thoughts in this chapter. Props to authors who are good at writing intense emotions. In my experience, feeling strongly about something makes it harder to explain those emotions, no matter how many words you use or detail you put in. Basically, if you're a little confused, good. Midoriya is too. And so am I.

Trigger Warning: part of this chapter contains Midoriya absolutely freaking out as is common with him, and difficulty breathing resulting in passing out. It's a double whammy of separation anxiety and seriously coming to terms with the fact that he's been avoiding the consequences of what happened to him. The section that deals with this will be labeled with a warning (⚠️) at the start and end. Take care.
Have fun reading!

Midoriya POV

(⚠️trigger warning start⚠️)

     I thought I was going to be fine, but- this—all of this—was a lot different from school. It was a lot different from the routine I had built up, the sort of normalcy that had been starting to return to my life. I was able to focus on classes and getting better a little bit at a time but now the routine is over. It's over, and Hitoshi—a constant in my life—literally just walked out the door, and I won't see him for days. My sense of normal is being ripped out from under me. I won't be able to sleep without him, he won't be there to help me calm down when it's all too much or I get stuck in my head, I won't be able to hold his hand when I get nervous, and it's all new and different.

     If I could just keep pretending like everything was normal then maybe it would be okay, maybe I'd be able to make it a few days without him but everything is not normal. Normal would mean I'm supposed to go home over the break. I'm supposed to go home, and see my mom, and have a nice vacation with home cooked meals and watching shows on the couch and wishing mom a good day at work and training and- oh god, I promised at the start of the school year that when the weather got warmer I would start taking her on my morning jog once a week. We were going to run together and she was so excited to spend more time with me and try to get back into shape and-and- I realized I was crying when a sob heaved its way up my throat.

     But what could I do? How was I supposed to calm down in this situation where every thing was changing and different and the thing, the person that kept me grounded was gone and none of it was right and I didn't know what to do and I hadn't realized how much it would affect me- how much I was clinging to the things that allowed me to pretend everything was normal even though it wasn't. I tried to take a deep breath but it was so hard. It hurt and my heart was beating so fast and I could hear it in my ears. Well, at least this is familiar, the thought cut briefly through the panic that was beginning to seize my body, but didn't do anything to ease what I was feeling.

     This is not good, I'm really freaking out but Hitoshi isn't here, I have to calm down myself before it gets worse. Oh, wasn't that thought something. Hitoshi's not here to help me calm down but the fact that he's not here is half the reason I'm freaking out in the first place.

     Please, please, I cursed at myself in my head, getting frantic in my attempts to calm down on my own. Just calm down Deku, you useless piece of shit, come on, you're going to be fine it's not the end of the world- but it wasn't helping. I was fully sobbing now, yet it still felt like I couldn't breathe, my chest heaving and legs shaking. I mean, I must have been breathing at least a little or else I wouldn't be making all this noise bawling my eyes out.

     All my brain seemed to know was that it was confused and stressed because it was finally having to face that my life would never be the same again after what the league did, and it wanted Hitoshi to come make it feel better. It was scary, but I also felt pathetic, and I couldn't get my thoughts straight.