18 Years

All I Have Is Nothing

Sebastian

You can't just sit there and put everyone's life ahead of yours and think that counts as love.

-Charlie (Book Character), Perks of Being a Wallflower

        I try not to openly judge people. I try not to say or do hurtful things. I try to be happy around others even when I'm not. I hide my sadness because I don't want people to ask me if I'm fine. I only cry behind closed doors so I don't scare anybody. I have put everyone else before me because I care about them more than myself. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to come to school everyday and see people judge me, or look at me with disgusted faces. I don't want to live a life where I'm not accepted into society because I'm different. I don't want to live a life where everyone hates me just because I exist.  And I thought I was loving everyone by hiding what I truly wanted, what I truly am. I don't even know who I am anymore because I have been hiding what I have really felt all along. But yet, I have no clue what I'm feeling.

           I have gone to school for almost everyday of my life. I do this because I want to develop all of the learning skills I would ever need in this world. So yes, even though I may just be some empty shell of a person, I am still going to school. Going to school is the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole entire immortal life. Everyone at school just becomes a whole lot meaner, a whole lot more heartless. But I just sat down at my desk in my first period class and tried to ignore the fact that I hate every fiber and being of myself. The day went on, every so slowly. I mindlessly droned through the hallways, making sure everyone thought I was fine. I laughed at Sharky's bad jokes, and I smiled at Beij. I wish Beij knew that she's not the only one with scars. She's not the only one that hurts.

        After school I decided to call Beij. She was the only one that would understand.

"Hello? Hey Sebastian. What's going on?" I heard Beij ask me. I held my cellphone to my ear, breathing in and out. You can do this, I told myself.

"Beij, I just really need a friend right now. You're the only one who will understand what's going on with me" I sighed. There, I said it.

"You wanna come over?" Beij asked. I could hear hope in her voice.

"That would be great. Thank you." I answered.

                                                                                                 '''''''''

Beij's house was cool, eccentric looking. Little green and blue lights were hung from the ceiling, all of the furniture was odd, but stylish. Her mom was plenty nice to me too. She looked like Beij, only older. Beij led me to her room. The walls were covered in pictures of the planets, and little glow in the dark stars stuck to her ceiling. "Beij, I've started to feel sad again. Actually really sad. I know you have kind of been through this stuff before, and I just thought I could talk to you." I said, looking at the carpet.

"Oh, um yeah. I have been going through depression for some time now actually. How did you know?" She asked, eyeing me.

I tapped her sleeve, indicating her scars. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." I said. Together we pushed up our sleeves, revealing the small cuts we had inflicted on ourselves. Her wounds seemed a lot newer, and fresher. Did she do that today? I wondered. After that, we just talked about school, friends, all that stuff. I was surprised to hear some of the stuff she said. But her words gave me hope, and  knew I would overcome this. I knew I would overcome this very soon. I just had to believe.

-R