Collide - SKAM Fan Fiction

Chapter Eight

Relaxed

I sit with my back against the cold surface facing the plain beige wall in front of me. My legs still tucked into my body tightly, I watch as the room begins to slow down, when finally it becomes still.

My breathing begins to soften and I feel myself no longer having this overwhelming feeling I know so very well. I bite my lip hard as I close my eyes.

I feel numb. As if the world around me is nothing but a figment of my imagination and I am sitting here in a dream ready to wake up. Its a beautiful high and euphoric feeling.

but a dangerous one to get use to and to rely on.

I look down at my watch realising I'm already half an hour late for my chemistry class. I don't bother to get up, because I know when I do I will slump back down hitting the hard surface of the floor.

Panic attacks take so much energy on my body. It feels as though I no longer have the ability to do anything.

I look at the bathroom door, staring into the the metal handle waiting. I sit still anticipating for someone to come through seeing the the wreck that I am.

I stare up at my own distorted reflection of the reflective sink I breath in and out slowly and gently. Blinking I watch as my vision becomes a dark nothingness. Sometimes It feels as though no matter where I  turn the dull colours follow.

The feeling that is currently taking hold of my body is numbness. It's like I'm not in my body, but instead an empty shell where people are able to see right though me. I hate feeling this way.

It's a sort of dissociative feeling. Where I am not in my body but merely another being looking at her. I feel this almost every day, but right after a panic attack it feels the most prevalent.

I finally get up pushing the weight of my own body. Catching my balance I run my fingers against my temples with ache in my head coming though. With my fingers still rubbing my temples I walk slowly towards the Mirrors. Turning the tap on I let the cold water run. I form a cup with my hand and then splash it on my face, trying hard to get the feeling back, and to look normal again.

My eyes blink to try get the water out, as my vision clears from a watery mess, I see her in the mirror. She's smiling back at me. Giving me a warm smile. I look at her, and watch as a tear runs down her delicate cheeks.

I touch my own skin. I feel a warm wetness on the tips of my finger tips. I then feel  a wet trail from my eyes  down to my cheek.

•

My steps are slow but steady. I wonder through the empty halls listening to the echo of my own foot steps.

Everyone is currently in class, but I decided that since there is only 15 minutes left I may as well just stay out and regather myself.

I clutch my binder in my grip, letting the glossy feel of the exterior rub against my top. I get to the end of the hall to the stairs and begin to walk down them. Holding on the the black rail to steady myself, I go down one step at a time, with one foot after the other to ensure that I will not fall.

When I take my meds I tend to feel a little light headed and just generally out of it. Its a nice feeling I hate to admit because instead of feeling my constant state of anxiety I feel nothing. Which for a change is so freeing. I reach the second floor and let go of the rail to set myself free to roam these halls.

As I take a step further into the long hall I hear the loud ring of the bell surround my ears.

Biting my lip while closing my eyes.  I cup my ears to hopefully block out some of the noise.

Looking back up I notice how quickly the halls begin to fill up, everyone is coming out of their class and ready for their next class. I look around and watch as bodies pass me, pushing pass as if I wasn't there.

I am left unnoticed.

"Hey!" I hear a familiar voice say behind me. I turn exam the face of the person who just greeted me. Her face is so clears and pale. She has short blonde hair and dark red lip stick. She seems so familiar, as if her name is in the tip of my tongue.

"Noora." I say out loud by accident as I realise who the person is. My senses are slowed down. My brain function is reduced as the pills slow down my nerves to keep me calm.

"Hey we have English upstairs, what are you doing down here?" She ask

I stare at her face and smile. I notice how her eyebrows glue together as she stares back at me strangely.

"You okay?" She ask concerned and I nod.

"I came down here to meet you. Let's go to class now" I smile at myself impressed by my quick thinking if an excuse.

Her head nods slowly still not convinced. I'm not the best liar. In fact I'm so bad that people tend to be able to read right though me.

We walk through the halls passing other moving bodies until we reach to our class. Entering the already full room. We sit together in our normal seat up front.

Noora begins to take out her text books and laptop. I just sit there having nothing to take out because I left everything in my locker.

She looks over to me and smiles.

"Have you finished our novel report on the book that we studied?" She ask and I nod. I did that last night because late at night I had this sudden urdge that I had to get it done then and there just incase I wouldn't be able to finish it in time. Which now high on my benzos sounds so silly. 

"Really?! that's not due till next week. We only got the book like 4 days ago. Good one!" her voice impressed.

I look down at my fingers playing with them. I avoid telling her the part where I was able to read the book twice over and get the novel report done by last night.

The teacher then walks and begins to talk. I try my hardest to keep concentration on her but my mind just begins to wonder.