Writing Prompts (Over One Hundred)

Writing Prompt 113

     I pumped my head in rhythm to the music coming from my earbuds. I wide smile graced my lips. I was so happy.

That's the funny thing, always happy. Always.

But that's the problem, I'm so happy I want to die. It doesn't make sense, because whenever I'm at my happiest, I just can't wait to die.

I smile and happiness bubbles up in my chest. My eyes twinkle as I think. They twinkle as I think about how much I want to die.

When I think about getting a boyfriend, I realize there's no way I ever could. I'm not good enough. But I smile brighter, I don't know why.

It makes me laugh, the idea of dying.

If there was a shooter at my school I'd be the one yelling "Pick me!"

I don't understand how I could be so happy and still want to die. It just doesn't make any sense.

So many times I've wanted to let the blade do its chore and slice my wrists. But I've never done it. The idea enthralled me, though. Blood, the blade, maybe even the pain. It sounds enticing.

A suicide? I've thought of so many different ways to do it. But I've never carried it out. But I know I might. Even as I smile, maybe even if I smile through tears, I'll do it someday.

No one would expect it from me. The happy girl, the girl who lets you rant to her. The girl who always smiles. Frowns never mar my features. I am too happy for that.

But if I'm so happy, why do I want to die so badly?

Not even so much as to die, but to stop existing.

The laughter leaves my chest now, as I think about living a full life. I don't want that, I want to die.

But somehow I know I'll never do it. I'll always be too cowardly.

Because suicide is a kind of cowardly courage. You are a coward in life, but you have to be brave enough to take your own life and deal with the consequences.

My throats tightens when I think of that. Sometimes I think living with the consequences would be better than this.

Better than living life with a huge smile, but honestly just wanting to die inside.

I think it'd be better to die than to smile, laugh, and enjoy how much fun you are having, but to still sit there. To still sit there and think of all the ways you could die.

All the ways you wish you would die.

Sometimes you think, and maybe even pray, that you'll be put in a situation that you save someone's life by dying for them. You hope it'll happen soon.

I know I certainly it do.

I hope for it to happen soon, even while I sit here and laugh.

I finally understand two things. The people who laugh the most are often the most depressed. Behind every smile can hide the most broken of people. Because I know now, that I fit the definition of both of those things.

And even now, as I tell people not to hurt themselves, I am a hypocrite, because I so very badly want to hurt myself.

Take it from here!

I know lots of girls and boys, teens and adults, are struggling with this. Tell people. I know it sucks, and it's confusing, even for you, but you need to let someone know just so you don't hold the emotions in. Bottling up emotions leads to mental breakdowns which will only make your situation worse. I'm here for you. Other people are there for you. Even if you don't believe it, God is there for you. If you have no one else to talk to, just talk to Him. Don't lose hope. There will always be someone.

Payton Janae :).