If Our Love Is Wrong

Thirty

"Love kept me going.
Love never gives up."

- bdl

Beatriz

"I couldn't just stay away, Cel." Napaiwas ako ng tingin. "Especially now... not now."

"Why? What's holding you back Bei?"

I looked at her again. I couldn't answer her. What holds me back nga ba? Why couldn't I just forget about her and just get back to the life I have right now?

"Don't tell me it has something to do with what happened in Cebu?" pagsasalita muli ni Cel.

I bit my tongue.

Of course it does. Who am I kidding? That night managed to control my whole system for a couple of days now. I can't even function normally without losing myself kapag naaalala ko yon.

"Bea, ano ba talaga ang plano mo?"

I grabbed my pillow at ipinantakip yon sa mukha ko tsaka ako sunod sunod na umiling hanggang sa tumulo na lang ang mga luha ko.

I felt Cel's hand wrapped around my shoulder. "Bea..."

"I-I think..." I whispered. "I think I still love her."

"W-what?"

Inalis ko yung pillow sa mukha ko, Cel was looking at me and shockness was written all over her face.

"Cel, I think I still love Jho."

"Wait, are you serious?"

Tumitig lang ako sa kanya at hindi nakapagsalita. Sobrang gulo ng nararamdaman ko.

"But Bei, you can't be serious." Mas lumapit siya. "You have a girlfriend."

Muling bumuhos ang mga luha ko. "I know. I know I have a girlfriend and I shouldn't feel this way. You think I don't know that?" I buried my face inside my palm. "But what can I do? Hindi ko mapigilan yung nararamdaman ko."

"Baka naman nadadala ka lang because of what happened. Baka---"

I cut her off. "I wish it's just like that so it would be easier to shrug off. But I know what I am feeling."

"Bea, listen---"

"Alam ko kung ano yung nararamdaman ko, okay? Believe me, I tried na pigilan. God knows how hard I tried. Na baka nga nadadala lang ako. Pero Cel, hindi eh." I got from the bed and I helplessly walked ng pabalik balik sa harap niya. "I can fucking feel it. My heart screams for her. Paulit ulit."

"So... it's still really her."

Napatigil ako and I directly looked at her. "And I think it will always be her."

She facepalmed. "Oh my gosh Beatriz, you're so fucking screwed!" hindi niya makapaniwalang sabi. "What will you do now?"

"I-I... I don't know."

"You have to do something!" madiin niyang sabi.

"Alam ko! Alam ko yun! I just don't know where to start!"

"Start from where you think you should start, Bea." Cel said.

Napatitig ako sa kanya.

Millicent

Do I really have the courage to hurt her?

Magagawa ko ba talagang saktan yung kaisa-isang tao who lift me up when I was on my lowest point? Who stayed by my side at walang ginawa kung hindi iparamdam yung pagmamahal na I didn't even asked in the first place? Ganon na ba talaga ako ka-gago for not even thinking about her and how she'll feel when I let that night happen?